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My hub called to say he wants to be sober. I say 'Good for you' and he asked me if that was all I had to say. I asked him what else he wanted me to say and he asked for me to help him not drink. He wants me to come home and sit with him, not let him buy beer, and make sure he doesn't get too sick. He said he hasn't had a drink in 3 days and he is feeling really bad. He asked if I would do some research to see how long he will be sick and come help him. I said no. He got mad and hung up on me. Then later he called again and asked why I wouldn't help him if I wanted him to stop drinking. I told him this was something he would have to do on his own for himself if he was to succeed in not drinking again. I told him 'i can't help you' to which he said 'no you could help, but you just won't. He asked how he was going to find AA meetings if I wasn't there to help him and if he died while detoxing at home then how would I feel. He tried to make me feel guilty about leaving and guilt me into coming back. I finally just told him that he needed to do what he felt he needed to do for himself just like I need to do what I feel I need to do for myself. I told him that I love him, but have no plans of coming back to that house with him anytime soon. That this would be a good time for both of us to work on ourselves and get ourselves strong. He said he is scared that I will move on without him and he will get help, stay sober, and be alone. Which throws up red flags for me because I wonder if this sudden interest in being sober is just to get me home. I told him we can't have anyway of knowing the future, but that I do know I will never again live in a home with someone who drinks. I deserve better and the kids deserve better, which he agreed. So we got off the phone. I think he may understand now that even though I love him and want only good things for him that I won't be caving in again. That 3 days sober doesn't make me want to rush back and that I won't be helping him anymore. I think that was alot of the problem before, I would 'help' him and he would drink again. He wasn't doing it all on his own so even when I thought I had stopped enabling him I really hadn't at all. I do hope he will stay sober and get help for himself. He is a wonderful man when he's not being controlled by alcohol. It was a very odd conversation for me for a few different reasons. I said no to helping him. It made me feel better about leaving and about myself. I said no. It was also the first time in almost a year I have talked to my husband and he be sober. I said no.
Well done! I think you did the best thing for everyone. Your post shows great strength and is an inspiration.
I have been where you are and I found your strength too. It took me a long long time to get to that stage though, and I understand the lonliness and uncertainty of it all. But there is growth and a new way forward.
I think if the Ais going to find sobriety and recovery, he will do it with or without us. It has to be for himself. You and your family are in my prayers, AM
Good for you - it is not your job to sober him up.
An AA meeting is not hard to find - they know that the people who need them are not the best copers in the world, so they make is easy (Right at the front of the phone book).
Wow my ex (A) has said the same thing several times now. He says things like 'I need your help/ I need your support/ I need to be with you at the same time.. in order to stop drinking. There were a couple times I said no and then he would go on a big binge and then start up that story again, saying that he thought what's the point in trying to change if I haven't got my family. This says 2 things to me: (i) he wants me involved so he can shift the blame if things don't work out for him, and (ii) he's not doing it for himself or because he thinks it's a problem and doesn't like the way that he is. This has been the broken-record repeat scenario for the last year or so since I left him. I'm starting to think I have to cut off direct communication with him completely until he gets the message.
