The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
“On this day I promise God and myself that I will let go of the problem which is destroying my peace of mind. I pray for detachment from the situation, but not from the suffering drinker who may be helped to find the way to sobriety through the change in my attitude and the love and compassion I am able to express"
From the "Detachment" handout - this one is very good, a lot of us carry it with us - In Al-Anon we learn: Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people; Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another’s recovery; Not to do for others what they could do for themselves; Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink; Not to cover up for anyone’s mistakes or misdeeds; Not to create a crisis;Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.
The classic example is of the wife finding the husband passed out on the lawn. She doesn't lock the door, turn on the sprinkler, call the cops. She doesn't haul him in, put him to bed. She puts a blanket over him, and goes inside and goes to bed herself, and has a good night's sleep. The 'detachment' is leaving him, the 'with love' is putting the blanket on.
An example from my own life - my husband and I went to a dinner that was related to his work, about two years after he sobered up. There were people there who had started out with the company the same time he did - they were now flying in from Paris and Houston, high up in the hierarchy. And here he was, 53 years old, right where he had started. For the first time, I think, he was face to face with what his drinking had done to his career. No way in the world to ever repair that damage. Walking home, he was seriously distressed, very unhappy. And I - put my arm through his, and did not say ONE WORD. He had casued the damage himself, by his own actions, and it was not my job to cushion the blow. But, it was also not my job to make it any worse. I felt that night that I was practicing detachment - he sat up late, thinking it over, and I gave him a kiss and went to bed, and did not let worry about him keep me up.
wife has a court appearence upcoming. she is in the midst of packing up the whole house and moving back to the midwest. i've let go of all the assets except what i need to survive, not because i have to legally, but more that i can better manage not being emotionally hostage.
wife wants me to help her out of the court mess. i could make phone calls or write a letter to the court, and i do think it would help, since the charges stem from an offense on me. i do not want her in jail, or to suffer, or to hurt -- i love her. on the other hand, if i enable her to harm me and suffer no consequences, what will be learned? what have i learned?
say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.
brightest blessings cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
When I kicked my husband for the last time because he was still drinking, I turned him over to his HP and let the chips fall where they may. He went to a friend's house for 2 weeks, and finally ended up in the hospital. I prayed for his well being each day. But I had no contact with him. In the end he got sober. I stopped enabling him.
My sister has a horrible time paying her bills. She makes good money, but the bills are always late. She in not an A. She calls me once in a while asking if I could cosign a bill for her. Why would I jeopordize my good credit? She is an adult and needs to take responsibilty for her life. I love her, but if I did this for her she would never learn to stand on her own 2 feet. Others have given you great examples. It's about taking back your life.
Love and blessings to you. Welcome back.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
"Courage to Change" pg 124 - gave me the best explanation & help in understanding detachment. It says . . .
Detachment. At first it may sound cold and rejecting, not loving at all. But I have come to believe that detactment is actually a wonderful gift: I am allowing my loved ones the privilege and opportunity of being themselves.
I do not wish to interfere with anyone's opportunities to discover the joy and self-confidence that can accompany personal achievements. If I am constantly intervening to protect them from painful experiences, I also do them a great disservice. As Mark Twain said, "A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way"
I find it painful to watch another person suffer or head down a road I believe leads to pain. Many of my attempts to rescue others have been prompted by my desire to avoid this pain. Today I'm learning to experience my own fear, grief, and anguish. This helps me to be willing to trust the same growth process in others, because I know first-hand about the gifts it can bring.
Today's Reminder: Sometimes it is more loving to allow someone else to experience the natural consequences of their actions, even when it is painful for us both. In the long run, both of us will benefit. Today I will put love first in my life. "All I have to do is keep my hands off and turn my heart on." . . . In All Our Affairs
This I use as a guide - Am I trying to prevent or cause a consequence of some else's behavior? if so then I might need to detach from the situation and trust my HP to handle the matter with more capable hands.
Wishing you a day filled with peace, serenity, hope & love, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
