The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
2 days ago, it was a bad day. We've finally moved in to our new place. I had miss placed some very imp. letters and non-replaceble things. we had spent 3 days, looking for it. finally HE found it. well, needless to say, how of my fault it was. here I am, kickking myself, thanks, i didn't need this other person to tell me, should say loudly kept on telling me, etc... To make the long story short, we had a REAL BLOW OVER that night...he went and slept ing other room, etc..
thing is I heard him come in and take his pills or whatever from his drawer or where ever he keeps them,and staggered back... I waited to hear any bumping or falling or breaking.... it was quiet. So assuming everything was O.K. I went to sleep..
5 o'clock in the morning, there was loud thumping on the door, I wondered why he didn't get up, then said to myself, he is probably out cold.. There wer 4 police officers with lights on, and when I opened the door they asked me wheather this man belonged to me?? I was shocked to see my husband in his jammies, barefoot and shivering.... I couldn't understand how he got out?
routine things of taking care of ,thanking etc..... Then I was so stuck by, Hey wait, I knew this was bound to happen one day... then why am I feeling like this? I really didn't know what to do... when he woke up, what do I say? do I take advantage of this situation and call the docter and put him away? What if??????????????
I must have muttered the first step over and over again, I really felt powerless, helpless, hopeless ...all those things.
Tonight, I'm feeling a little better, still don't know what I should do. HIM??? well he is finding evidences to prove what might have happened,, anything and any senario to prove it wasn't the drugs that made it all happened. Not to mention the fact, I'm the culprit..
I'm not certain if you are absolutely helpless; whatever the significance of teh letters, it sounds pretty irrelevant now. He found them, he knows, the cat's outta the bag. What does sound like is upsetting you is the fact that you feel like life was already outta control, then you move, and that always makes things harder. Moving isn't fun. I think that's how moving companies are able to charge through the nose--they take advantage of a person in a criminally stressful situation, and then charge them for their stress. I belive the best thing for you to do now would be to focus on the now. Unpacking a box at a time, focusing on what you can do, going to a meeting will take away the powerlessness victim feeling you're living with. It will also create within you a sense of self confidence. Also, if the letters are from an ex lover, get rid of em. There's a reason he's an ex and not your current.
Sorry to hear about all this chaos. Try not to take it personally. The A I live with has yet another speeding ticket. He always has some chaos. He always has some way to scapegoat me for it. I no longer buy it.
I think it takes a while to get there. Nevertheless its a very very difficult way to live.
i know it is very hard, but it is not like it was your child who did this. He is an adult, what makes you think you have to do or say anything?
If he says something, if it were me, I would say wow I would hate to be in that situation. He KNOWS what he is doing, allow him the respect to figure if he wants to cont.
His disease is his own to learn to deal with. Our responsibility is to ourselves. Living with an A we have to learn it is not the partnership like it may be with a non A.
For me I just enjoyed the good times with him until there were no more.
I expected nothing out of him. Was happy when there was something.
He sounds very ill. It is not that easy to put them away. Not that many places to put them anyway. Unless he goes to rehab on his own there is no use doing anything.
Hope you will take your thoughts off him, and put them on you. What do you want to do for you? or for others?
allow him the dignity to live his own life and clean up his own messes.
I said many times to my poor a. wow that is not a choice i would make.
I wanted to add that I can definitely empathise with the exasperation and the frustration of the situation you are in. The more al anon I can get under my belt the better I deal with things. I used to walk on eggshells all the time. I used to jump and try to make everything better. These days when the A embarasses himself which he does often I don't get in there and sort it out for him. I stay on the sidelines totally.
For me it takes intense focus to keep the focus on me. The A would have me night and day attending to his needs as they say in Getting them Sober even then nothing would be enough. I could throw, money, attention focus at him. These days I don't but he would certainly like that all right. These days I don't answer him when he tantrums, makes headday, demands all the attention for himself. We can get sucked in very very easily.
You could research what it takes to get a 51/50 if you want. You could also just work on what you need to in unpacking. Getting a 51/50 is a big undertaking especially if you are new to the area. I know personaly how it is to feel totally overly responsible for the A. For me it meant that I took on roles, funding and more that I should never have got into in the first place. For me its been a long long road back from that and tremendous financial losses to add. These days I no longer sit in the mode of working to take care of him the taking care of me takes priority.
Books like Getting them sober are very very helpful they are gentle guide to what you are dealing with and a validation of the chaos and craziness of living with an A.
I also hope you will keep posting here and working on yourself and what you need today. If I'm woken in the middle of the night (which still happens with the A) I need rest. I also need time apart from the A. I take myself out of his orbit as best I can.
all of your letters made feel so much better. I'm glad I came to a safe place, and got my frustrations out, instead of trying to force salutions. Like one of you wrote, today he was livable, we "together" unpacked a few things, actually ate together ( didn't say a word, but that's O.K.), so I'll enjoy today, and not fret about tomorrow. Thank you all for responding.
