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It's funny because I would do all these things to stop my A's drinking, thinking any sane person would do the same. Apparently they were all mistakes. I'll list them, and if I am offtrack, let me know.
1. Try to stop the A from leaving the house because I know it's to buy alcohol. This goes on almost every night. He has his shoes on and I'm like where ya goin? To walk the dog. I just walked her. Well I was also going to get milk. we have milk. well we need some other things too. like what? I used to think it meant something to be honest, that if he just said I NEED A BEER I would leave him alone. But it doesn't matter what reason he gives, he's going. And if I'd successfully nailed each excuse and trapped him into staying home...he sneaks out. This does not make me a good person, it makes me contolling and...icky.
2. Ask him where he's been Just don't
3. Catch him in his lies I thought that if I could prove to him that he was lying, he wouldn't lie anymore. Jeeze, sometimes I feel like my brain is like a rubix cube that is all messed up with the blues in the yellow spots and greens where the red goes. How can someone think a clear thought in all that convolution? If he is lying, let it go. I usually know what the truth is anyway.
4. Control the finances This is hard, he has never been good with money. Right now we don't have very much, and whenever he buys a drink it's money we don't have. It goes on credit. We have a huge debt problem. He bought something foolish the other day and I had to MAKE hime take it back. I felt real crappy about this. He is 17 years older than me why do have to be his mother? Last night he gave me his debit card and said "here, I don't need to spend any more money" I told him I didn't want to be his cash dispenser. He refused to take the card back. I could use some help with this one.
5. Try to stop him from drinking in any way. That's the thing to do...right? Let the disease run it's course, have him hit his own bottom. My daughter asked me what if 'hitting his own bottom' means he gets in a car crash and one of us dies? That pretty much broke my heart. A similar incident happened with his brother. I just told her that I was working really hard to take care of things. Lame answer I know, but what can I do?
OK that's it for now, let me know if I am wrong or if I left something out. Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
(((Jamie)))) I had to smile at one of the things you wrote... There is a convenience store just 5 houses away from where we live. Hubby usually does not drink until evening, even on the weekends unless one of his friends comes by with beer, or if he goes across the street to his A friend's house. Usually, when he is on his way to DRIVE ( I don't know why he doesn't just walk, it would only take about 2 minutes) up to the store, he will ask "Do you need anything from the store?" I always bite my tongue.... I always want to say.......I want you to NOT buy beer. I want the store to be out of beer. I just want to you to come home and take me in your arms and LOVE me. What do I want from the store???? Well, what I want, you can't buy at the store.
Thanks for your post. Sounds to me, in my opinion, like you are doing a wonderful job taking care of yourself, and your kids. I wouldn't have taken his debit card, either. Maybe just tell him if he doesn't want to carry it, to just put it up somewhere. Isn't it weird how they need to blame us for stuff. If you had taken his card, you would have been blamed for either GIVING it to him, or NOT GIVING it to him. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. It seems that is the way living with an A is. One thing I would do, and I know we are not supposed to offer advice here, is to refuse to let the children get in the car with him when he's been drinking. I know sometimes getting the kids where they need to be is very hard, especially if you only have 1 car. If he wrecks and kills himself, that is one thing. But if you know he has been drinking, you need to protect yourself and especially your children. I struggle with this issue myself, about when I know he is drinking and driving. I used to get in the car with him, but I don't anymore if he's been drinking. If he has, and we have been somewhere and need to get home, I drive. I don't know if that is enabling or just taking care of myself. We hardly go anywhere together anymore, anyway. There are so many drunk drivers out there, it is amazing more people aren't killed. Glad you are here. Keep coming back. Sounds to me like you are "getting it", and your kiddos really need that. (And so do you!) Love in Recovery, Becky1
The truth of the matter is, there is nothing anyone can do to stop the A's in our lives. You understand that. If the A could change what it is they do, they would. What I failed to realize often times was that my A knew what he was doing upset everyone around him. By me making it harder and adding to the guilt was not fair. I needed to learn how to allow myself the dignity to fight the disease and the dignity he needed to fight the disease. It is no secret to the A's that we don't like the drinking. Why must we try to pound on them for it. ( I am not saying you are).
The money was a tough subject when I was married to my A. His drinking could take food right off the table sometimes. What got me through it were a few things...sanity wise. My father had always told me "money can be replaced". The 2nd thing I learned shortly after coming to Alanon is that I may not have everything I want, but I have everything I need. By that time, I knew enough to know that with my HP and my belief that I would not go without the things I needed to take care of myself and my children. There were always answers. There was even help if I just reached out for it. I kept the focus more to my needs than to my credit report in order to survive and still have sanity.
I like posts like these. Until the bitter end I was still trying to catch him in his lies and he just better and better with them. I did quit chasing bad checks he wrote, that was for him to deal with not me. I started to take care of me and focus on me rather than being a busy-body and mined my own business. Wow, what a relief that became.
When it comes to finances, though, remember that you have a right to take care of yourself. If "not controlling the money" means that all your savings go for crack, or your utilities get cut off because bills don't get paid, then that is not good either. You have to do what seems best to you about that - some of us keep completely separate finances, so they won't lose the house or vehicle. I would definitely have some money in my own name, that he can't get at, especially if cocaine is in the picture. Maybe get your name taken off his credit card, so you are not responsible for his debts (I don't know how this works, legally).
But, yeah, if you just assume he's gonna drink, that he's gonna lie to you, then you lose all that stress, and the end result is still the same. It's not as if all your gatekeeping was doing any good, after all.
4. Control the finances This is hard, he has never been good with money. Right now we don't have very much, and whenever he buys a drink it's money we don't have. It goes on credit. We have a huge debt problem. He bought something foolish the other day and I had to MAKE hime take it back. I felt real crappy about this. He is 17 years older than me why do have to be his mother? Last night he gave me his debit card and said "here, I don't need to spend any more money" I told him I didn't want to be his cash dispenser. He refused to take the card back. I could use some help with this one.
Dear Rainy Jamie - this has been a hard one for me. I took control of the finances in Nov 05. I totally FREAKED. I had his credit cards and debit card. And I was successful in limiting his spending. UNTIL - IT ALL BLEW UP IN MY FACE! When he had finally had enough after 6 months straight and sober, he decided he wanted his credit cards back. He willingly handed them over to me in the first place, asked me to be his keeper so to speak. But when he wanted them back, he did not take no for an answer. A HUGE fight ensued. I handed them over to him and NEVER asked for them back. I had my finances completely separate from him by this time, what he did was his business. I had to let go and let God. (as they say). He said he was a big boy and could take care of himself....so that is what I let him do. And all he has done is go downhill since. His problem. Not mine. I have to "Live and Let Live".
So all I can say to ya, is good luck w/it. I understand the sinking in debt feeling. I had to sell my house just to satisfy the creditors. He still has an enormous amount of his own and growing b/c of cash advances & finance charges. I have a pretty good amount myself due to being forced to live off of credit cards for the last 14 months. I am slowly digging my way out. It is a slow but possible process. Stand firm. Take care of you. And know you are loved.
