FIVE DAYS LATER::::::::: - Al-Anon Family Group

ally · ~*Service Worker*~

FIVE DAYS LATER:::::::::

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((ally)))))

you are doing the best you can right this minute. when i have gone thru similar things and been so low i have wanted it to be over with (my feelings) and i wanted to start moving on and i would get more frustrated and depressed when it wasn't happening fast enough for me. this too shall pass and in the meantime what has helped me is doing exactly what I felt i needed to at the time to get closure. wether that was calling and asking him my questions, or confronting, or ignoring. i did the best i could with what i had. and i have alanon now so i don't have to be alone or guessing at what i should do. i can come here and talk it out and get the love and comfort and support that i can't get from the a. it gets better and i think it is perfectly natural for you to be feelings your feelings. you're doing a good job and i am sorry that you are in pain. it will lessen. much luck and love....

Lexie · Senior Member

Oh, dear ally, I hear your pain and I am so sorry. You are doing better than you think......you are here, you are getting it out, you are NOT stuffing it somewhere deep inside yourself. You are NOT a "nut case". You are a wonderul, caring, feeling young women who is hurting and grieving. And the ups and downs of that are just that........ups and downs. I have no advice to give........just a suggestion, I guess. Just be YOU.......the wonderful sweet ally that you are........the one you know you are, deep inside. Do what feels right to you and for you.......not for anyone else........just for you. You deserve that and you deserve peace and happiness. Spend time with your HP and let him guide you and love you through this. Just surrender it all to Him, dear ally. It will get better, no matter what and there is so much wonderful life for you to live and enjoy. Just take your time and allow it to happen for YOU, just YOU. No one, no matter what their experiences have been or are, can know exactly what you feel. We are all uinique and we have to work on us and our own feelings. All anyone else can do is love us and be with us through it all. And I love you and am with you through this, ally. You are in my prayers, dear friend.

Love and blessings to you ~ Lexie

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like you are grieving, so why not give yourself permission to feeel what you feel? Allow those feelings, feel them fully, and THEN let them go. Sure it sucks to feel so bad, but as you are seeing, it sucks worse to try not to feel what you are feeling.

As for the disappointment thing, I believe that that is to some extent under your control. If you find yourself often disappointed, this means that you are expecting more than you can realistically get. Expecting an A to act like a normal person, say. It's the old hardware store and bread thing - we have the choice of saying "No this is not enough, I am going off to find someone who can meet more of my needs" or of saying "OK, I accept you with your limitations, and will find other ways, while with you, to make sure I get affection and affermation". What we CAN'T say (if we want any happiness) is "You are incapable of giving me what I need, but I will continue to expect it from you anyway". You can't get blood from a stone, and you can't get consistent, appropriate, love from an active A. Maybe not from a recovering one either. That's just reality, and fighting it is like going outside and telling the sun not to shine.

Barbs45 · Senior Member

Ally,

I've only just found Al-Anon again after being away for 17yrs, I can hear you crying out loud and wanting to be heard. You do what's right for you in your time, and if that means not doing anything, then just leave it.

Barbs.

Alanoner · Veteran Member

I sent you a PM Ally,

.

Alanoner

Becky1 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Ally))))
You do not know how much I wish we were not separated by so many miles. I would love to be able to go have tea with you...and talk, and give you a big hug.
You are grieving, and grief takes time. There is no miracle cure for grief. Oh, how I wish there were.
Even tho my husband and I are back together (for today), I still find myself in deep despair from all of the pain alcoholism has caused us. I feel a lot of times as tho I am walking a tightrope. The alcoholism is lying in wait, just hoping for a chance that I might slip, and it can suck me right back into the pits of hopelessness.
If your friend called right now, would you renew your friendship? Even after all the pain he has caused you by rejecting you? From what I have read of your posts, I think you would. Just as I have always taken my husband back, and continued to love him, even when he rejects me. Why do we do this? I wish I had an answer. I wish we could just turn our feeling off the way they seem to be able to. But you and I, and so many of us alanon-ers, we are made differently. Our hearts are too big, we love too much, we have too much love to give. And maybe we try to give it to people who are unworthy of so much love. Or maybe "unworthy" is too harsh a word. Maybe "unable to return our affection" is saying it better.
Just know I know the pain you are having, Ally. It hurts to be rejected, especially when we have done nothing wrong. All we have done is accept them, love them, trust them. And, for no good reason I can find, they toss us aside like rubbish. And it just hurts like Hell. I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain, to tell you how to fix things, to make it better.
I think Lexie said it well. All you can do right now, is be yourself. Your same, sweet, loving Ally. And keep coming here. You are not a nut....well, at least no more than the rest of us. If you think you are seriously depressed, maybe you need to speak with a Dr., but that does not mean you are "nuts." You are just having pain from being rejected from someone you cared a great deal about, and for many years. I would say that if you went thru that and did NOT hurt, then you were nuts. A normal person would feel pain from the loss of someone who meant a lot to them.
Keep coming back, Ally. I don't have any answers for you. But, I, for one, am very grateful to know you, and I am glad you are here.
Love in Recovery,
Becky1

kismetstrand · ~*Service Worker*~

"As far as I can see, I am just human, I am having trouble accepting things thats all."

((((((Ally))))) The above line you wrote is what jumped out at me. There is something in our CAL that speaks about our own expectations being what usually causes pain for us. I have seen this happen in my own life. I begin to have certain expectations again, rather than seeing the person for who/what they are at that moment, I begin to expect certain behaviors/words/actions rather than accepting who/what they are.

One example of my doing this would be when I was new to Al-Anon. My hubby had said how he wanted to quit drinking, how he realized everything bad in his life came from when he was drinking. And he went a day without drinking...then another day...and another. I would come into chat and proclaim "it is day 6!" and I would be so thrilled that he had gone that long without taking a drink. I began to expect our life to be this way forever. Then of course, he slipped. And I was devastated. You see, back then I had not learned a whole lot.

What helped me was to change my own expectations. I said to myself, he is an alcoholic, alcoholics drink, I expect he will continue to do what alcoholics do. When I did this, every day that he did NOT do what alcoholics do was a pleasant surprise and a lovely day. And when he did do as alcoholics do, I was not thrown into that devastation. I had accepted that this is who/what he is.

Now this does not mean I accept unacceptable behavior. I can remove myself from an argument, refuse to participate in one. I can take myself out for a nice day of window shopping, or take myself into my bathroom for a nice hot soak in the tub. I can leave him alone to deal with his own feelings. Those are after all his to deal with, not mine. Just because he is wanting to have a bad day does not mean I have to have one also. I can say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then go on about my own day. My detaching myself with love from his emotional crises benefited us both. I was able to choose how I wanted to feel for the day, and he was left with the opportunity of dealing with his own feelings, of having to look at that by himself and for himself, to take responsibility for himself.

It really works when you work it. Of course, as you said, we are just human, and we are not perfect. I have had many slips. I have still been "hurt". The good part is that I know I can come in and talk about it (as you have) and feel the loving arms of my AFG family and also hear them remind me of tools I may not be able to see thru my own emotional cloud of the moment. I have had program friends remind me "this too shall pass", "tomorrow will be better", "just for today". They always help me feel better.

Another thing on grieving... someone once said the deeper our grief, the deeper the healing. It is okay to grieve. I went thru a period of that when I was having to change a whole thought process. It was very emotionally painful. I grieved the "death" of that thinking I had, but what replaced it was so much better and healthier. Again, my dear family here helped me thru that time. They understand as few others do.

Love ya ((((((((((Ally))))))))). Hang in there. Life is a constant change with lots of growth opportunities. Sometimes the best thing to do is to do nothing but take care of ourself and not worry about what someone else is or isn't doing or what we should or shouldn't be doing in regards to them. When we take care of ourself first, things become clear in time.

Luv, Kis

kissers · Senior Member

Hi Ally. I am so sorry you feel hurt and betrayed. Perhaps HP has something better in mind for you when you are ready.

marty · Member

Ally i say be your self when you see him, i been thru much of the same as you. want a women love and me telling her i love her so much,but she kept saying she does not love me,
well as of the day thing have chang for me she says it in her action if we argu and she wrong she calls me on the phone and does not want to loose me,but that did not happen over night it took a year and a half,and i am not saying this will work for you it like any thing else if it GOD will it will happen and thats who you need to trust in is your HP and work with newcommer and pray for him like i told you this morning,and stop the poor me thing,
there some one out there for you just trust in GOD it maybe him or it might be some one better for you who is not a alcoholic why would you want the same thing back, i cant see that.
my girl friend she a alcoholic just like me

love you ally ill put you in my prayers your friend marty

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

When I put my spiritual , mental and physical well being in the hands of anyone other than God I end up dissapointed , angry and alone . No one can be my everything .
expect nothing and you will never be dissapointed sounded like pretty negative advice to me whan I arrived here ,but has saved me alot of pain . and I have noticed that alot of us are not to good at accepting Reality , that I get cause some days it just plain sucks .
Stop expecting and start accepting life as it is , works for me . Louise

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.