The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!![i am screaming inside] changing my own behavior is sooooooooo hard. i can see where my behavior contributes to the situation i am living in. even when i want to change, i am unable. i feel myself slipping back into the same pattern, just as an addict must go back to it's substance time and time again. quitting smoking was easier than this. oh higher power help me. "made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him" my understanding of god [whom i cannot possibly believe is a him] is fairly limited. sometimes i wonder if that is why my progress seems so slow. you know..........., limited amount of god, limited amount of progress. okay, i just needed to get this out of my system. i am fine now.
God as we understood him , really dosent matter what we believe in just that we believe there is a God and it is n't US. Step 3 for me was very difficult but like u say working part time just dosent seen to work . to me step 3 was like jumping off a cliff yu know your gonna land but don't know where. Until I fully accepted step 3 not much changed for me ,until like most of us i reached a point where I had no where else to go. I had nothing to loose by trying this God thing I was afraid of what was going to be expected of me once I did this ,was I going to have no say in m y life at all ? I now understand that God gave me free will and I love the line that says Gods gift to me is life = My gift to God is what I do with it. So today I do the footwork to get where I want to be and stop and leave the outcome to God . The people I love have a God too and he /she will take them where they need to go. Step aside so God can get at em they told me . good luck Louise
Easy does it!! Don't be soooo hard on yourself. Change takes courage and time which also means that it take patience. That also means that it takes practice...over and over and over. For me it also mean't being deeply honest with myself line, "Do I really want to change and do I really believe that I have to." If I only admit supperficially that I need to change then I am in for a long struggle. It's the difference between submission and surrender. I was taught that subbmission is temporary and on the conscious level, "I'll try this changing stuff for today but sometime in the future I will be able to use my usual p/c behaviours." Surrender on the other hand takes hold in the subconcious level where I am fully convinced that I need to let go of illogical behaviours and thoughts. That they are hurting my desire for happiness and hurting others around me and that I no longer need or desire to use them again.
You have to have something to replace the old behaviour or thinking patterns. It might be something that someone else is doing that works for them under similar circumstances as yours and you can practice that as a new behavior. It could be something that you got from a conversation or meeting with your sponsor. It could be from the literature and all of these replace what we are doing that doesn't work.
Getting this program into your subconscious on all levels, mind, body, spirit and emotions is surrender. My head, heart, behaviors and feelings are all convinced without reservation that the program works if I work it all the time every time.
I need to do the program and my HP takes care of the hard stuff.
HP story; An Alcoholic was at a meeting and felt an urgency to go pee. He tried the door to the rest room and found it securely locked. So with nature calling he went to the boundary of the property to use the bushes and stepped over a ledge and starting falling into the darkness. During his fall he called out to his HP for help and then felt the branch of a bush sticking out into the night. He grabbed the bush and hung in the darkness still remembering to turning it over to his HP. "Father I know that you know that I am hanging off a cliff in the darkness in dire need of your help. I know that you have never left my side and have always looked after me. Guide me and direct me into your will." At that he was silent and suddenly heard a very positive voice say, "This is your Higher Power, let go of the bush." The alcoholic was just and frightened and more confused by the direction. "I know that you see that my condition is very frightening and that you will give me positive direction." Once again he listened and heard the same response, "This is your Higher Power, Let go of the bush." At that the alcoholic resorted to silence for a moment and then raised his eyes to the black heavens and prayed, "Is there another Higher Power available?"
Jewely....i could have written your post today...I am so sick of my self and so sick of repeating my same behaviors over and over...I wanted to change them when I first "came to " about them in regards to my boyfriend, or for future ones, because I saw my own crap as being in the way of a healthy relationship. Now, I want to change for ME...I don't want to feel the way I do when I am so reactive/explosive/unknowingly controlling/insecure/passive/.....I am reading and in therapy and sooooooo reflective...I can see moments after a situation with my kids or ex or bf how I got to whwere I did and I can imagine how I could have done something differently - how I could have reacted to a trigger differently and I am so frustrated that I don't learn from my mistakes more easily...
But your mention of HP got me thinking on a new level as well...I think I take to the concept so intuitively that I have not challenged myself to re-look. The responses you got helped me re-think too...surrender...not something I do easily...I am afraid to try on a lot of cases...but I can think of the times I have and it feels so good. I have a hard time surrendering in a moment of conflict - small or large....should I start trying that?
Anyhow, thankyou for your post...it was just what I needed to see. I have been too hard on myself for my inabilty to change all day and knowing I am not alone always seems to help.
When things seem so slow, I worry, is this the job of a lifetime? I think it is and I am scared to face it.
That is when faith in a hp seems to calm me a bit.
Be gentle on yourself...as gentle and affirming and kind as you can be to everyone else.
I realize this turned out to be about me mostly....I sure hope you are feeling better than when you first posted. Love and peace to you, fifi
