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Well, my husband finally admitted to me last night what I've know for a couple years now-he's an alcoholic. I don't know what prompted me to bring up the subject, it just kinda came out of my mouth. I asked him why he felt it neccessary to drink every single night. He said I don't know, which he always does, so I dropped it and didn't say anything about it. I saw him looking away with that look on his face he gets when he's thinking and about ready to cry, which I thought was weird. He said, after about 5 minutes, "Maybe some day I'll tell you why I drink so much, but I don't want a divorce." I said, what is that supposed to mean? and he wouldn't say anything else. I went out a little later to have a smoke, and he went with me. He said after a few minutes, do you want the truth. By that time I was a little afraid of him to tell me, because all kinds of things were going through my head-the main one being he had had an affair and was drinking so much out of guilt because of it. I said, yeah the truth would be nice. He said, the reason i drink so much is because i'm an alcoholic. I was totally not expecting him to say that. I've been trying to get him to admit that me for so long, and he was always in denial. I said, do you think that comes as a surprise to me? I've known for a long time. And then he tells me that the reason he lost his job at state farm a couple years back was because he was caught drinking at work. that completely floored me! i knew the reason he told me about leaving state farm was a lie, but i couldn't believe it was really because of alcohol. i had so much resentment for that-i had to go back to work, leaving our 3 kids behind, while pregnant with our 4th. I had to work the entire time i was pregnant, and then go back when our baby was only 3 weeks. I had so much resentment because of that, and it took me a long time to get over it. I did get over it though. Now, when he told me that, I don't know what to feel anymore. The funny thing is I don't feel upset. Is that weird? I think it is. Shouldn't i feel angry? I don't know what to do now that he told me. I don't know what the next should be. I told him he needed to go to AA, and he said no, he wants to work on it by himself. he's afraid people will find out. he's a part time pastor, and he's dreamed about doing that full time for many many years. he's afraid he won't be able to do that anymore if people find out. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, because I don't people knowing either. my parents are very judgemental, and i've been spending most of our marriage in the middle of them and him. i'm always making excuses for him and for them, and always trying to smooth things over. I get so tired of being in the middle. It's like I don't want anyone to see him in a bad light, so I can't let people know any of his flaws. We both work at the same school (I'm a teacher, he's a computer tech) so I can't even talk to my friends at school. I feel very alone it this whole thing, and scared he won't get help and things will get worse. Thanks for listening, sorry it's so long.
Not long at all, and anyway, that is what we are here for. Sounds like you are one of us, all right, wecome.
Please, if at all possible, get yourself to an alanon meeting. So much of the burden you are carrying is not yours to carry - that is why it is so heavy. His relationship with other people is HIS business, not yours. His drinking, his recovery, all of that is HIS. You cannot ease his burdens for him, in fact in trying to do so you are keeping him from getting better. He needs to face up to the truth of his condition, and find a way to combat it. You can be supportive, you can be loving, but you cannot do this for him. He is an adult human being, and deserves the dignity of faciing his own demons, and finding his own Higher Power.
Read our literature - you can buy it from links on this page, or from Amazon or ebay, or borrow it from the library, or best of all, buy or borrow from your local meeting. Meetings are anonymous - no one at your meeting will say that they saw you there - anyway, you will see THEM, right? I live in a small town, and know how people talk, but I know I have never heard any feedback from going to my meetings, even though I have often seen people I know there. Your hsuband may or may not find sobriety, but there is a lot of help there for you, if you just reach out for it. We do understand, most of us have stories a lot like yours.
Read old posts here - not everything you read will apply to you, but some things will, I promise. There is a live chat, and almost always someone there, and there are alanon meetings in the chatroom - the schedule is up in that yellow box at the top of the page.
You are in the right place - you can start, right now, to lay down some of your burden.
Truth is, you are not alone. I related so much to your story. Even down to the state farm part. My hubby lost a job there, what exactly it was due to will forever remain a mystery. I am sorry for what you are going through. You should post as much and as long as you want to. This is a safe place to say what is in your mind and in your heart. Alanon and AA are a program of anonymity. That is what makes it such a wonderul program. I would like to encourage some face to face meetings in your area. (Trust me...no one there will say there is Suzy Q......what a disaster). There is an understanding in this program that we just do not find in the "real world" often times. No one will be there judging you. I also would like to encourage reading the literature, posting here, and talking to others in the program. If your husband never comes through the doors of AA than so be it. You owe yourself a life of serenity....of being happy, joyus, and free. I strongly encourage a sponsor to help you through the steps as well. "When I got busy, I got better." That is one of the slogans. It rings very true in my story. The mystery behind the "lost job" at state farm and pregnant with our 4th child between us. Wow. Was just added stress I didn't need. I live in a small town. My former inlaws came inlarge packs and critized every move I made. (Either to my face or behind my back) Only a few times, did he admit his drinking was out of control. He never would do anything about it. On top of the small town thing....he too was trying to get into the school system to teach and coach. Drinking slowed that down for him as well. We are divorced now. I don't know if he will ever get sober. Today,it is not my business. It wasn't my business then either. What was my business was me! Anything past the end of my nose....was not my duck. Earlier on my sponsor asked me a series of questions. "If the hubby wrecks the car in the grocery store parking lot and you are home.....are you embarrassed? If hubby gets drunk at the Xmas party with you there....are you the one embarrassed?" I said yes......he told me I was co-dependent. I wanted to kick my sponsor for saying such a thing to me....but truth be known.....he was absolutely correct. So, the reality to me was....what I have I ever personally done that has embarrassed me? I couldn't think of a thing because I was too wrapped up in him. I was afraid of what my parents and family would think. Would Mom kill him? Would Dad take him out back? You know something. At that Christmas party...not one person looked at me and said poor Ziggy. They were looking at him. Thinking, that guy needs some help.
I am glad you are here. Please keep coming back. Ziggy
you are not alone. i can relate to your story. i have found that regular alanon meetings help me. as well as this online alanon communication. keep coming back. much love and, blessings,
(((Minnie)))) So glad to meet you. Yep, you do sound like one of us! Glad you are here. It is very exhausting being in the middle. Thru Alanon you will find a better way to live. No, it will not be perfect. But nothing in life is. There is a saying in Alanon...."progress, not perfection". In Alanon, you will be given the tools to help yourself. And what is good for you, is also good for the A. This was important for me. Because we feel the need to try to help them. And, ultimately, it is beyond our control. But, knowing that helping myself not become a victim of the ravages of alcoholism is good for him too, helps me to keep doing it. And, there is also the 3 C's....You did not cause it, you cannot cure it, and you cannot control it. This saying has kind of become my mantra, I need to be reminded of it daily. This is a wonderful site, with lots of information. It helps me to learn all I can. Alcoholism is nothing to be ashamed of. You would not be ashamed if your husband had cancer. It is a disease. Sometimes we are embarrassed by their behavior, or ours. That is why it has become so vital for me to learn that I cannot fix him. That the problem is HIS not mine. I have learned to not scream and chase his car down the street, when he is drinking and I don't want him to leave me. I once actually jumped on the hood of his car. HIS drinking was making ME insane! I'm sure to the onlookers, I was a lot crazier than him. I am learning to have a better life, thru alanon. I have days when I am still very sad, and heartbroken, because my husband is still actively drinking. I used to think that if I came to Alanon, I would find out how to make him stop! That is not what I found, though. I did find out my life could be better, though. I did find out that I can be happy even though my husband still drinks. My life isn't perfect, but it is better. In fact, I owe Alanon my life, because before I came here, I did not want to even live at all. Now, even when I am sad, I do want to live. I am worthwhile and so are you. Please try to attend our meetings, if possible. And, look on the bright side, at least your husband has admitted to being an alcoholic, and he at least knows that is why he drinks! Mine will not admit to having a problem, even tho we almost divorced, and have been separated, and the law has become involved, etc., etc., ect. It sounds like you and your husband are able to communicate, which is something my AH and I do not do anymore. Communication is very important in a marriage. I am happy for you in that respect. Hope to see you here again. Love in Recovery, Becky1
Welcome to this wonderful group. I can empathise with the resentment the sense of shock and the sense of responsibility.
I can say I've been in this group for a year. I have found it incredibly helpful.
I am fed up with stepping in for the A too. I think he totally expects it and I have challenged him on it many times. Lately I have told him that the only word he seems to know is "me". Of course he denies it.
This group is a great place to come to learn new skills, vent and not be alone.
