The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Wow sometimes I feel I'm moving through this program soooooo sloooooow. Quite a bit different from my first meeting, where I felt like I completed the first three steps before the meeting ended! LOL. I'm getting ready to start my fourth step, I'm inbetween sponsors, everytime I feel like I have someone who I trust and look up to, I ask and then get turned down! That's rejection to me, and I have a difficult time with that. What's wrong with me, am I too picky, do I not want to let them 'in'? And the answer is I don't want to let them 'in' so maybe I have been choosing people who I think are too busy for me. It's possible, it's possible I don't want to do the 4th step because of what I might find? I don't know. I'm quite content where I'm at in my program, but at the same time, I know there is much more work to be done. It's like I have found a rest stop on my path to recovery and I've just stayed there waiting...waiting for what? Someone to come rescue me? Yes, I think that's it, I think I've found a nice area to relax and am content to just wait. Sigh... The truth is healing is painful, and in the last few years I've dealt with alot of pain that was surpressed for many years. I don't want to 'go there' and that's where I numb out or avoid. Thanks for listening not alot of hope in this post, but it feels good to share. Thanks for your acceptance, with and without my flaws, which you may see, but are still blind to me.
I dunno, sounds to me like you have gained some self knowledge, and that's a step in the right direction. Any chance that all of this about the sponsors isn't about you? Unless it's been, I don't know, 20 or 30 people you've asked and they all turned you down, it seems to me quite possible to have a string of those who are too busy, who don't feel secure enough in their own program to sponsor, who have their own problems with intimacy, etc.
I'm stalled on the fourth step myself, but I find myself doing little 'mini' fourth steps in my head, going over the past, getting insight into my own behaviours and those of the people who have affected me. I'm just choosing to look at it as extensive prep, and not beat myself up too much. If I were falling into bad behaviour that would be another thing, but I feel I am gaining in strength and insight, my life has some serenity in it, so to me that is a sign that I am on the right path. This program is done to our own schedule, anyway, not some outside-imposed order.
I don't have the courage most of the time to ask! I had one sponsor about 2 years ago in another program. I am pretty sure I burned her out with my needs. I also had one brief encounter with a sponsor here admittedly long distance.
I do not have a very good track record with sponsors. I am sure now that is because of my boundary issues. I don't know really how to approach lots of relationships (unless they are addictive of course).
At the same time I too, continue to do lots of mini 4th steps. I am working on control right now. I know I have real issues with it. I can be quite controlling around lots of issues beyond the A. I really would not see it before. People mentioned it to me but I didn't see it. Now I am beginning to. So for some of us the 4th step is worked in gulps rather than one huge sweep.
i've been perceiving my progress as like a child through a growth spurt. it physically hurts, the childs bones and apertures getting bigger, teething, skin stretching, etc. i'm growing, too, mostly in mind (a little in the lovehandle region, also). to detach with love from loving my wife is real, no shit pain. we will be divorced, we will be separated, and she still denies that alcohol is the culprit. it's painful. i can't make her understand. it hurts to know that losing me isn't her bottom.
i continue to grow. good things, good people, good feelings are reentering my life. it is slow, slower than it took me to descend into the insanity of my codependence, but how can i complain. i'm doing what i need to do to get happy, okay, and goal oriented, again. i'm also picking up lots of things i lost prior to my A. i took HP off the dusty shelf, i feel very good about service i'm performing, i feel good and warm about my future, whatever HP and I decide to do with it.
much love to ya'all cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I know for me, all the things you hear in a meeting are so true: getting a sponsor; working the steps; doing service work in the rehab centers, prisons, half way houses and central office; going to confrences, conventions, workshops, et cet; going to open AA meetings; all these things were like putting mericle grow on my program. If you haven't gotten a sponsor and started the steps, I especially urge you to begin there. I also know for me, something an old timer (like 30+ ys in the program) said to me that made me think so much about how God works in my program: "When I take the 3rd step, I am saying to God,'So long as I take the appropriate, assertive action, the results are in your hands, including when it comes to my recovery. All that I need, you will provide; all the questions I ask, you will answer; all the problems that present themselves in my life, you will give me solutions to. Please give me the willingness, desire, energy and faith to carry through all these things.' " I still pray this prayer every morning when I do my 10th step.
And I loved your insight on the child growing pains!!!! That hit home.