The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've introduced myself to you all, so here goes, this is my story.
Having been brought into the world, and not realising throughout my childhood I was living with alcoholisim. My father being the ah and my mother being his enabler, they still to this day carryout their roles. How I feel for them, but had to let go years ago, although I'll never lose the respect knowing they are still my parents.
Throughout my childhood, if you could call it that, I was so afraid of everything and everyone. My life just got worse by the minute. At the age of 4yrs I was sexually abused by an uncle, and this continued until I was 10yrs.
Nothing ever changed in my life, it always stayed the same, there was always unhappiness.
When I was 16yrs I decided to leave home, I travelled down south to live with my father's sister, and believe it or not, she also was an alcoholic. When was I ever going to learn
I now realised, I was actually running away from my abuser.
I managed to get myself employment, stayed with my aunt for a while, then moved into a flat of my own. Just couldn't stand her drinking anymore, surprise, surprise!
Then I met my first ever boyfriend, who abandoned me when I was 7mths pregnant with my son. That was hard! I returned home to my parents, where nothing had changed since I'd left. Gave birth to my son, who appeared as I thought at the time gave me this inner strength, that everything was going to be alright now. How wrong I was.
Although there was this unconditional love between my son and I, and that was wonderful.
My son was just over a year old when I met another partner. He too was an ah, still not aware that I was about to make yet another mistake in my life. We were married, and I can tell you it certainly wasn't married bliss.
His drinking even appeared worse than my father's. He stole from me, was unfaithful on a number of occasions, but I chose to ignore it. Our daughter was born a couple of years into our marriage, he made such a fuss over her. Needless to say my son was ignored.
After 7yrs of hell being married, he decided to leave the family home, and although he denied it at the time. He had actually been having a relationship with another woman, whom he went to live with. The thing was I was so sick back then, I was devastated when he left.
Within months I became stronger, although I did miss him in a strange sort of way. By this time my daughter was 5yrs and my son 10yrs. He decided not to have contact with the kids, which I found strange.The kids and I were fine, and I'd found Al-anon, wish I'd stuck with it!
Time was going by fast the kids were growing up so fast, I'd had a few set backs, but nothing to compare with what I'd experienced before. That's what I thought!
8yrs later I met this wonderful man, whom I'm happily married to and is not a ah. This is when things take a turn for the worst my son is 21yrs now, and my daughter 16yrs. My exhusband has had no contact with them since he left.
One evening my son and I were having a chat, he appeared quite down. The conversation became intense and my son got very emotional. Then he just blurtted out that my exhusband had sexually abused him. You can imagine I was in total shock, I never doubted my son for a moment, I knew it had taken alot of courage for him to admit this had happened to him. As mysellf being a survivor of sexual abuse, I know how difficult it can be to admit that it actually did happen to you.
I gave my son all the support I could, although I'm sorry to say to this day my son has never been able to move on from this. He's even attempted to take his own life.
Shortly after my son told me , I contacted my exhusband, who denied it. Although when I arranged to meet my ex at his request. He was so desperate, to convince me that my son was lying. All the years before he never bothered to conact us, now we know why!
My daughter thank god was not subjected to this abuse. I only wished my son hadn't been too!
Only by chance the summer of 2006 we found out a week later, that my exhusband had died. My daughter took this really hard, I found that difficult to understand. She decided to contact her father's family, who I don't think are aware of the abuse. I didn't deal with that situation very well.I told my daughter I'd have to detach from her if she was resumming contact with them. My daughter made the decision not to have any further contact with them. My daughter and I are very close now, I love her so much she has been so brave.
I only hope that one day my son will be part of our family again, as we all miss him and love him so much. We are here when he's ready!
I hope I haven't gone on too much, that's why I named the title as above.
Again I'm glad to be back, and having the opportunity to share this with you all.
Welcome Back ((((((((((Barb))))))))) I am glad you are here and sharing with us!!! Wow I am sure that when your son is ready he will be back!!!! I too have been abused and it was hard on me at times but I have been able to move forward But it hard!!! Hang in there and One day at a time!!!!!
I am impressed that you have been able to be such a caring parent despite your history. I do not have children and some of the reason is that I felt I was not going to be able to protect, cherish and love children in the manner that was "responsible" because I too come from a background of sexual and physical abuse. I have spent much of my life recovering from my childhood.
I am truly sorry your son was sexually abused. I am also sorry he has not been able to access help/treatment and feels suicidal. I am glad that he was able to tell you and that he was believed. I confronted my family of origin at different times and their response was pretty indifferent and very much removed. I know that the many myriad ways that neglect, abuse and dysfunction manifested in my childhood contributed to a total lack of protection of me as a child on many many many levels has contributed to my not being able to have strong boundaries and take care of myself.
I am honored to hear your story and how you have worked so hard on yourself to resolve so many issues in your life. I would have been absolutely thrilled if my own mother could have been as candid, compassionate and insightful as you are. My own mother never sought out help, isolated, and furthermore lived a lifelong struggle with many addictions and consistently acted out in various ways till she died. I missed out on having a loving caring mother all my life, as a child when I desperately needed her, as a teenager when I was trying to separate from the family psychologically and emotionally, and as an adult. My mother blocked all moves towards recovery and died a few years ago.
I am so glad that you are choosing once again to be part of al anon. I hope the program will help you through the challenges you are facing.
