The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I entered recovery, I had no idea what was the definition of "boundary" then to try to set one with the A's & other people in my life????? - I couldn't fathom how that was going to happen. But it has & it is still happening - some areas are easier than others, some me & my HP are still working on, and some still make me have that nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach.
So anyway, I was wondering if you had any of those wonderful sentences, words, sayings, etc. that you used to set those boundaries and convey your feelings on certain issues. As I think we all struggle in this area - I thought it might be good to maybe list some of these so that we could read them when we have situation that could use a little support & reassurance.
Here are some of the ones that I try to use:
No. (which I learned is a complete sentence - I don't have to explain my answer - just say "NO")
That doesn't work for me.
I am unable to discuss that with you at this time.
I am uncomfortable in this situation.
I need you to respect my personal space.
I hate you feel that way, but I am not responsible for that.
I am not responsibile for that situation, you will need to handle that yourself.
These are just a few - geez, sometimes it seems like I say all of these many times during the day. Guess that is just my HP working on me - So what about you - What do you say when setting boundaries??????
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
"No. (which I learned is a complete sentence - I don't have to explain my answer - just say "NO")"
This is the one I am trying to master Rita. I love how you put it. "No," is a complete sentence. One thing I have finally learned how to do is refuse to defend myself. Most of my life I tried to explain my actions or defend them. No more. I have actually said, "Sorry. I will not allow you to put me in a position of having to defend myself."
This is a good topic. I'll be interested in what others of us have to say.
All best, Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 15:42, 2007-02-08
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
-stating what my plans and preferences are without regard to theirs -HALTing communication when it is clearly agitated -I need... -This is out of my control -This is not my responsibility -I value... -I appreciate when you...
I just wanted to add what I found to be pitfalls.
-starting a sentence with "if". if you do x, i'll do y. -i love you, but.... -statements about As feelings "just because your depressed..." -"F%$# you and the horse you rode in on" -- doesn't tend to work
:) cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Reading your last comment is killing me - I'm laughing at my computer at work, they are going to take me away to the funny farm . . .
My AH is 1/2 Lebanese & very proud of his heritage. He has collected anything with the "Camel" design on it for years - even before getting into recovery - I have since learned that the Camel is a used as in AA as one of their symbols. So needless to say - prior to recovery everytime my A did something that made me angry (which was quit often) I tried "F^^%$ you and the Camel you road in on"
Still think it sometimes - but thankfully not as often - probably because both of us have done a lot of recovery work - and as long as I don't say it aloud then at least I'm making progress. Right???
I know, I know - Keep coming back -
Thanks for responding guys,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Rita: I was saying stuff under my breath last night and the A heard me! He seems to believe I should be a saint. I think I have been one to deal with him for 6 years.
I do think its progress to think and not say it. I also used to say the unimaginable to the A. I used to swear all the time and tantrum right back. That got me nowhere. In fact I think it fuelled my despair.
I think one boundary is actually to say nothing or uh-huh or oh. Not responding is also a boundary.
I used to rush in to pick up the A's stuff. He wanted a mummy and I was one for years. I am working on stopping I am so sick of his childlike attitude. I know I had one too though that's the rub. We were like two tantruming children for years.
"I won't let you talk to me like that " and then hanging up or walking away. I remember how amazed I was the first time I did this. It worked! When I came home, he had calmed down, and it was over. I could have been doing this all along.....
"What I'm hearing is...." "If I understand you, you're saying...." "I appreciate your [honesty, feelings, input, et cet]..." "What I'm [thinking, feeling, seeing] is..." "I'm not too sure how I feel about that; can I get back to you?" "I need..." "I want..." "I feel..." "I am [sick, tired, hungry, stressed, et cet]..." "I can/can't..." "I hear..." "I see..." "Actually, I'm [busy, hungry, tired, lonely]....can I [talk with you, eat with you, call you later, et cet]..." Sometimes I forget how far I've come in recovery when I'm up and down. Thanks for reminding me Rita--I HAVE come a long way.
My favorite one to use is no response. No response is a response. I used it today! I also use "I will not tolerate your rude behavior" and walking away. My all time favorites are "Kiss my grits!" and "Would you like fries with that?" Just kidding.
It can be real, serious and enlightening or it can be an invitation to humor. I have a serious one that I have used before. "I understand that you are having a problem and why do I have to pay for it?" The boundary is that it causes the other person to stop and reconsider the consequences of what they are doing and how it is affecting others.
The other type is, "You know this car is full of options. If it feels I'm taking too much flak it pulls over to the right and the passenger doors open."
