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After helping him get half custody of his kids and after helping raise them for 10+ years, my husband chooses alcohol over me and walks out the door with my entire family. He didn't leave because I was a bad stepmom--I was a GREAT stepmom...I did things for the kids their own narcissistic mother wouldn't do and I took better care of them than he ever did...he left because after years of coping with his alcoholism, I couldn't take it anymore. I deserve so much better. Most recently he was breaking promises to our daughter to not drink around her and that was the last straw for me. I was not going to watch him do to her (lies and betrayal) what my father did to me. So I made him choose and he chose booze and left. Yesterday he signed the divorce papers. He's really letting me go, after everything I did for him (can you say co-dependant?), and even though, in HIS words: "we were supposed to be together forever...sob sob". Has anyone else been down this road...where you lose your stepkids-your only kids (I'm 43 and gave up having my own kids because I was happy to help raise his)-your ENTIRE family-because you finally stood up for yourself and (you thought) for your kids? The kids are now being pressured by their mom (she hates me because I helped my husband get half custody and she lost her child support payments) to have nothing to do with me, and it's already working with my 15 year old stepdaughter...she suddenly wants nothing to do with me. My stepson is at sea in the military and although I get emails from him from time to time, I fear he will eventually feel like he's betraying both his mom and his dad, and he'll just let me go. I could use some feedback. And comfort from all this pain.
I can't relate to your situation, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am for the pain you are going through. This disease of alcoholism just tears families apart! No matter if we are going through the exact same situation, it still hurts us all in some way or another.
I just wanted to send you hugs and love. I hope you find strength in your HP to get through this mess.
I don't think they choose alcohol over us. I think they are powerless over alcohol and recovery sometimes isn't an option they can contemplate. The A I live with makes plenty of presumptions regarding my unwavering support. They seem to expect that.
I can imagine you feel betrayed, abandoned and enraged. You have a right to. I am sure your husband's children and your children too (since you raised them) feel confused, sad and lonely. Sometimes people don't react well in those situations.
I am sure they feel a great sense of loss.
I think alcoholics are pretty good at wedging that is coming inbetween person(s). I also think they learn to be very very manipulative in order to continue to be alcoholic. That is why for some of them early recovery is so so hard. Giving up manipulating must be difficult for those who are so good at it!
It sounds like there is a ton up for you in terms of your own childhood (I can get triggered very easily around the A which is one reason I hope someday to be able to leave!). I have abandonment issues they are tremendously painful. The end of any relationship whatever it is brings them up for me. Finding solace is difficult.
I hope in this new time you access whatever help you can get, grief resources, divorce resources, double up your meeting time (I know chat is hard to get into). I hope you will also maybe think of adding resources, add a therapist, add more time for you to recoup. Whatever you are doing take good care of yourself, eat well, sleep, (when I am in abandonment mode my ability to rest is shot yet I need to rest...).
I hope you will continue to post. I know posting here is tremendously helpful to me. Living with an alcoholic is tremendously difficult, separating from them is hard stuf. Do you have people you can lean on at this time. I am preparing a support group for myself. I know I need a lot of people because my needs can burn people out.
Finding people when you are in crisis is hard work. If you feel pretty raw do utilize counselling services and suicide prevention. There are lots of lines out there. Keep calling different ones till you feel better. When I'm in abandonment mode I am over the edge, I have to get back to the other side before I can regroup and strategize how to take care of myself.
Kathi, Thanks for those warm wishes. Amazing how words from a complete stranger can touch my heart. I have a more non-traditional view of alcoholism in that I don't really believe in the disease concept...honestly, I believe it's a habit of weak-willed people. And that is also based on my own experience of abusing alcohol over the years...which I no longer do because I have found much better ways to cope. We all have a choice every day when we get out of bed about how we will spend our day. I think the choice people make to drink excessively is more about selfishness, immaturity, fear, and a lack of better coping skills. It takes courage to forge a new path, which is why I also think there is a great deal of cowardice involved. But regardless of theory, I appreciate very much that you reached out to me. This drinking thing really does tear families apart. And right now the hardest part for me is wanting to get away from him and his mess, but knowing that my best hope of staying in touch with my stepkids is through him. Just this morning I received an email from my son and then I called his dad to read it to him. That's what I have to do, right now anyway, while everyone figures out how this new situation (divorce and a broken family) is going to work. The more I'm able to stay friends with their dad, the better my chances of keeping in touch with them. And since I think I understand what a hard position the kids are in, I will keep in touch with their dad so it can be easier on them. But that sure doesn't make it easier on me! Thankfully, I have reserves of strength I never knew about, and I will survive this somehow. I hope you are finding peace with whatever your situation is.
Maresie, I am sorry you are still stuck in your current situation, if that isn't where you really want to be. It took several tries of giving ultimatums before I could actually stick to my guns, even though it meant losing an entire family. And yes, I have been through an inordinate amount of trauma, including physical abuse as a kid, but I have been very lucky to stumble across something called EMDR. It is a tool that therapists use (yes...I see one...excellent advice) to help people deal with traumatic events and to reprogram any associated negative beliefs. It is used to help people find relief from single event traumas, like rape, to lifelong injuries, like abuse. It is even used by the US Veterans Administration to treat military personal who return with post-traumatic-stress disorder. I highly recommend EMDR to anyone with serious trauma in their history. Frankly, I wasn't able to stick to ANY of my ultimatums until I completed a few sessions of EMDR just this past summer. That is what really made a difference for me. It truly changed the (negative) messages I receive from my brain on a regular basis. At the risk of sounding like an evangalist, I feel like I have experienced a miracle of healing with this EMDR process. I have suggested it to a few people I know and they have also made significant process. Best of luck to you on your journey. If you'd like to know more about EMDR, you can google it. There is a national site that will help find practioners in your area, also. Thanks for reaching out.
My theory of my own experience is that my ex was trying to 'punish' me for leaving him, and he knew the only way he could hurt me was through my kids. My kids ended up moving in with him for a while, when my boyfriend moved in with me about a year after my divorce. My ex did his best to poison them against me, but now, the kids are much closer to me than to him. In the case of my boyfriend, his ex. poisoned them so well, he doesn't even get a Father's Day card from them. It is so sad, every time his ex came for money, he ended up giving it to her because he loves his kids. I know for a fact that she lied to them and said he had never given them anything. Alcoholism, divorce, family break-ups... it is all so sad, and in my experience, it's not the target spouse or ex that gets hurt the most, it always seems to be the kids, whether they are our own, or step-children. I'll pray that your step children will eventually realize who their 'real' mother was, and stay in contact with you. I think you are wise to keep it as friendly as you can between you and your ex, it is not possible for me, I detest him, and am much happier with my A. Praying for you, with love, TLC
I'm really sorry you are going through this. This disease affects everyone it touches. All I can say is remember that the kids have a HP too. They have free will to make their own decisions and have their own thoughts. Keep coming back, this program is for you. I hope things get easier for you and you can find some peace even in this situation.
Living One Day At A Time, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Maverick, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. When my ex A and I divorced he did everything he could to hurt me. He found out quickly that the best way to do that was through my kids. For 7 years he ran me down in every way possible. I was so badly hurt, but then I realized I was powerless over what he thought, did and said, but I was responsible for what I said and did and how I reacted to what he said and did. Once I got that through my head I started thinking differently and reacting differently.
Our kids were 9, 12, 15 and 16 when we divorced so it was very traumatic on them anyway. I had to except that my God had given my kids a brain to use too ... and that they would one day be able to see and choose their thoughts based on everything they saw and heard, not just what he told them. It's been 20 yrs since we divorced ... my kids had to make up their own minds. They all love me and I know that. However, they have all been affected by the illness of Alcoholism and the drug addictions. Their dad became a drug dealer and had been an alcoholic since we were married.
Bottom line is that through all of these years my kids watched and learned and made their own choices.
It is critical that you take gentle care of yourself during this time. Know that you are loved and please keep posting.
Thanks for posting. You made me aware of something that I knew, but it hadn't really reached the surface yet. I am so sorry for what you are going through and all the pain you're experiencing. I know it is hard when you make the right choice, set a boundary and take care of yourself to then have those you love be cut off from you in the way you've described. All of our circumstances are somewhat different, but the folks above told part of my experience too:"My theory of my own experience is that my ex was trying to 'punish' me for leaving him, and he knew the only way he could hurt me was through my kids." "When my ex A and I divorced he did everything he could to hurt me. He found out quickly that the best way to do that was through my kids." Marasie hit on the bottom line for all of us who love our kids, "I am sure your husband's children and your children too (since you raised them) feel confused, sad and lonely.... I am sure they feel a great sense of loss." And Irish described what I finally had to accept, "... that my God had given my kids a brain to use too ... and that they would one day be able to see and choose their thoughts based on everything they saw and heard, not just what he told them." And I came to believe that my kids had a higher power, their own HP. I've watched the young woman my now ex married buy into his behavior toward me, and she became his partner in the above behaviors that cause(d) my/our kids to be confused, sad and lonely. On more than one occasion she has carried out his wishes, so that he didn't have to be the "bad guy." She's an intelligent person, and I don't think she realizes that she is being manipulated, she just would do anything for him, like I used to feel and do. While I don't want anyone to go through the pain I've experienced, or that you've experienced, I think there is some reasonable chance that at some point she will be in a position like you are right now. Cause I see no change in his behavior. And should that time come it will be important for me to remember, not that this woman did the above things that caused confusion and loss for my kids, -- what I need to remember is that she had a relationship with my kids, that there is strong affection, maybe love they each feel for the other, and to support my children in allowing them to express it to her -- and to have a relationship with her. I have to model for my children an absense of the vindictiveness their father has modelled for them. I so want this to end with this generation, and so I need to do my part. Thanks for posting, and I hope you are taking good care of you. As always, take whatever is useful above and toss the rest. Only you know best for you. emma
Well lets see, I have no kids of my own. I married a woman with two children, who couldn't have any more. We were married for 10 years. I was the primary care giver for the two boys. She worked all the time. The boys were 1 and 3 when I came into their lives as their step-dad. I did everything with them. I loved and treated them as if they were my own.
Then my wife, gets into AA, gets sober, and gets out of our marriage to pursue her own agenda.
I went from having a life of chaos with every spare minute accounted for (with two teenagers) to being alone in my house. It took me a while to adapt needless to say.
I threw myself full bore into this program and started getting better. And after a time became extremely grateful for the opportunity to work on myself.
My divorce was final 2 years ago. 6 months after it was done, she moved 5 hours away taking the boys naturally. Initially, I had very little contact with them. But gradually I started reaching out to them in small ways, with a phone call here and an email there. We are slowly communicating more often.
When we do talk it is good. They still love me and have not forgotten me. I still love them too. And they know where I am and that I am available to them.
I do believe that I am still a part of their lives. I am a part of who they are.
Your step children may not have the opportunity for contact with you they once had. And as they get older they have less time for us "adults" anyway! And trust me, they know who you are. Someone else can try to poison them against you...but they know the truth. It just may be very difficult for them to communicate with you.
I had friends who told me to just give it time. Things will come around if they are meant to. So far they have been right. I keep the boys in my thoughts and prayers and reach out when I want to. My end is all I can control.
David, It sounds like you understand me the best, having walked in the same shoes. Even though they want to and try hard, I think it's nearly impossible for people with thier "own" kids to understand what it means to lose stepkids who felt like our "own". We have NO visitation or custody rights...no biological connection which has an undeniably strong pull...we have only our hope for some justice and reward for the love we've given these kids. And by reward all i mean is love and respect in return...not some award or anything. I have found it nearly impossible to find anyone who has been through his particular hell. It helped to hear your story, although I'm sorry you have had to endure this abandonment and loniless too. No one ever comes home anymore. No one ever gathers in the kitchen for dinner anymore. It simply sucks. I always thought I was meant to be here to help raise the kids, for many reasons, and now when I wake up each morning I'm back to wondering what my purpose is in this life.
Unfortunately, there is one part of my past that is haunting me because I feel like I've shot myself in the foot: During these last few years of marriage, after years of lies and broken promises and non-functioning from my husband, and pretty disrepectful treatment from my stepdaughter (her mom tries to be her best friend=no discipline=I look like a monster=she starts to rebel...), I became a VERY angry woman. I still did tons of wonderful things for all of them, but the rage was always bubbling right below the surface, and my short fuse took over way too many times. And regretfully, I know that I took some of my anger towards their dad out on the kids. I was a mess. I have sincerely apologized to both of them, but it seems like it's not enough. And by the time I realized the damage I was causing, they were all on their way out the door, so I had no chance to prove my promise that I would never do that again. At the time, my stepdaughter actually told me that it "explained some things" and she forgave me, which really surprised me and I didn't even ask for because I haven't even forgiven myself yet...not sure I'll ever be able to. So she and I were doing fine the first few months after they were gone. But then I offered to take her to the coast to see her brother who was home on leave, and I think her mom became extremely jealous of my ability to do that (I have a good job). And the very next time I saw my stepdaughter, about a week later, she had become a COMPLETELY different person. The words coming out of her mouth were not her own. But even with all that being true, I know I hurt her deeply because of some of my anger and I'm afraid she will cling to that for life and forget every good thing I did. So I beat MYSELF up everyday for making this mistake and alienating them. Actually, I think my stepson and I are OK...he's older and wiser and saw more of his dad's drinking and wasn't coddled as much by "mommy". And I did go to visit him in December and we had a really good time. But I live with so much regret, even though I found the strength to keep us together for 10 years. I simply do not understand why this had to happen. As I said earlier, I have no contact with my birth family because I finally stood up to their abuse, and now I've lost this family because I stood up to my husband's alcoholism. I can't help but wonder...Am I meant to be alone? Is this life some karmic retribution for some horrible deed I did in a previous life? How can a person give as much as I did (and you too probably), and still lose everything that matters? Really, there comes a point when I think this is just too much and there MUST be some explanation. But there isn't, even though I keep wondering. I am glad your stepkids are responding...you sound like a really caring dad. I hope my story turns out that way. I am leaving my stepdaughter alone at this time, per her request, but my soon-to-be-ex is supposedly still trying to get through to her. He really does want me to have a relationship with them...he knows I've earned it and how much I love them, and despite all his flaws, his intentions in this area are good. Then again, if he had chosen sobriety instead of leaving, we wouldn't be in this particular mess. He doesn't understand or refuses to admit the very mixed messages he's giving them by leaving me and then telling them THEY should stay in touch with me. How confusing for them. Thanks for the message. Any more insights or hopeful ideas are most welcome. I'm lost.
For me as someone who could drink a lot to handle social anxiety issues, I could lay down the bottle (haven't drunk in 6 years) and not have withdrawal nothing. For other people like my younger sister who is a classic alcoholic she had a complete love affair with the bottle. She loved drinking spent all her social time doing it and more. I think addiction can take many many forms.
I know for me that the addiction can be in "processes" as someone who was abused I can get caught up in a lot of anger because of course I have deeply buried rage as a child. I can lose myself totally in that rage and not know how destructive it was. For me therapy helped a lot. I've had alot of different treatment for ptsd and some of it has helped a lot.
There are lots of issues that keep me "stuck" on some level in this relationship, pets, finances, resources, planning (I am a notorious impulsive person and I am willing not to be anymore). I work on the plan b. I try to be careful about setting goals. I go slow because I've left relationships in the past only to jump into total disaster. So I try to have clear goals and to have a sense of where I am going rather than blindly take actions. I have a lot of abandonment issues too. I have no contact with my family of origin anymore by choice. I am isolated and I am working on that too. So I am not "stuck" per se as I am working on my issues. I am just trying to be pretty careful about knowing clearly where I am going to.
I admire your ability to be friendly with the A and put a lot of stuff aside to be "there" for your children. I know lots of people who get totally lost in their relationship issues and lose sight of what their children need.
I am very grateful to be in Al anon. I have found many many tools here that help.
It sounds to me like you are being really careful and thought-ful about your decisions and your future. That is great. I too have jumped from one nightmare to another, and fully intend not to repeat that mistake again. It's easier said than done, but I have more faith in myself now than I ever have. I'm glad you are taking care of yourself.
You mentioned working on ptsd things. I can't begin to tell you how helpful the EMDR process was for me. It's less about talk-therapy, which I feel I've exhausted, and more about re-wiring the HARD-wired negative messages stuck in our brain. After years of making ultimatums and then giving in again, I was actually, finally, able to stick to my quit-drinking-or-go ultimatum after only six weeks of EMDR sessions once per week. It sounds like a miracle cure and in some ways I feel like I have experienced a miracle. But really, it's an innovative method that's been around 20 years I think, that very few people know about. It literally re-wires the hard wiring in our brain...something that talk therapy can only help with so much. If you feel like past trauma is still having an impact on your life today, I really encourage you to check this out. Just google it. It's sort of weird and hard to understand at first, but I really think it's worth a look. I never would have believed the amount of positive change it can create. I feel like it's saved my life. And it is having positive repercussions in all areas of my life-not just coping with my alcoholic husband. I really feel so lucky to have learned about it.
The abandonment issue is so hard. And I know very few people who have made the very-difficult decision to terminate contact with their family of origin as you and I have. For me it took an inordinate amount of courage, and a near-brush with suicide, before I finally took that step to protect myself. And even then I agonized over it for a few more years..but that is behind me now. I am glad you found the strength and courage too. The hardest part for me for a long time is that it can be so frowned on by society...my million relatives think I'm the black sheep now. But it doesn't matter to me anymore. I mean more to myself than they do. They don't know what I lived with and endured and I will never again substitute someone else's judgement for my own. And, truth is not determined by majority vote...there may be a million of them but that doesn't mean they have the "truth". They weren't there.
I wish you well on your journey. And keep taking care of yourself. I don't know about you but I was taught that my own well-being wasn't a priority...and they were soooo wrong.
I know exactly what you are feeling. Let me just tell you that I was no saint either. And did much the same as you. Took out my frustrations, rage and anger at someone else on those two beautiful boys. And believe me it has been the most difficult thing from my life that I have to forgive myself for. I had the opportunity to make amends to them both before they moved out of my home. They were both very understanding. The oldest even telling me something along the lines that if the situation were reversed he wouldn't have been able to do as good a job as I had. Because they knew.
They forgave me. Much easier than I could forgive myself. I understand now why I behaved the way I did, I was affected by the disease of alcoholism, which i grew up around and married into.
I had those feelings of "what do I live for now" too. At first I couldnt think of anything. I was totally devoid of hope. Al-anon saved my life, Maverick. Getting to those meetings. Calling people in the program. Coming to the chat room on this web site. Talking to people who loved me the moment I walked into the room. People who understand. People who have gone through what you and I have and worse. Gone through it and come out of it all with the thing that I needed....happiness. Joy. Peace. Serenity. And most importantly Love.
I am still single. I live in the same house I did. But it is not the same house. This is not the same life. I have changed. I have peace.
It doesnt mean I don't get lonely. It doesnt mean I dont miss my old family. But I came to accept that I cant change the fact that they are gone. I had to go through the greiving process. And I agree with you on the fact that you and I share a different degree of loss. We are not biological parents. We have no legal claim on our step children.
But I know I never had any real "right" to them anyway. I cherish now, the time I had with them for 10 years. I am grateful they were part of my life. They made me grow into something I would not have been. Who I am right now. And thats a pretty damn good thing.
Please keep coming back, Maverick. It does get better. We love you. You are not alone. If you dont already go, please try to find a local meeting to attend.
No dear one I have not been down this horrible road that you have. All I can do is send you all my love and blessings. I'll say an extra prayer for you tonight. Remember you are not alone in this. We are always here for you. Try and take good care of yourself. You are not an awful person. You are kind and caring person with a wonderful heart.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
((((((((Maverick)))))))))) We haven't been in each others shoes, but I can relate to the feelings you have expressed. I just wanted to echo the wisdom in David's share. And on the issue of time, for me that was a tough one. And a new way of looking at the world, for me. I now begin most days working the 1st 3 steps. I put my life and will in HP's hands and ask for guidance for the next right thing to do. I've learned that what I want does not usually happen according to my timetable -- I just need to do the footwork and leave the rest to HP. With the pain you are feeling now that may not be what you want to hear. If you are feeling pain, it seems likely the kids are too. For me, it took me years to really 'see' what was going on in my life and then some time to work up the courage to take action. Not easy to do without support from one's alcoholic family of origin, but somewhere along the line I must have gotten unconditional supportive love which helped me be open to Al Anon. I figure, I'm an intelligent person, you sound like one also, given that it took me some time to figure things out, I figure I should give other people, including kids, time to do so also (which implies that I believe in them). Did you ever consider that given that you set limits with them, that you might be the person they rebel against, especially when they are feeling pain? Perhaps they know you'll love them anyway. Take what you like, and leave the rest. Yours in recovery, emma
When I left my first husband the kids hated me, but things cooled down We gained back our relationship, because I too was the one they could count on their whole lives. They feel comfortable coming to and calling my house. After the initial hurt fades, I think we get our senses back. I'm even Grandma Jay to his grand-daughter, my boys' niece.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
And trust me, they know who you are. Someone else can try to poison them against you...but they know the truth. It just may be very difficult for them to communicate with you. 