The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is 2 weeks ago tonight that my A ended that 11 day drinking binge he went on. Of course that's not the first long binge he's ever been on and I have watched the progressiveness of the disease over the years. The longest he ever stayed sober was for 3 yrs. and when he picked up again (about 1 1/2 yrs. ago), he picked up right where he left off the 3 years before only he couldn't do it for more than 2 days. He was drunk again within that same month and still only managed 2 days. Got too sick from it. How he managed 11 days this time, I don't know but at least he wasn't under the roof of our house. So when he quit this last binge, he looked like a worse hell than he ever has. I mean this man looked absolutely awful and, by the nervousness and quietness he displayed, it wasn't hard to see the physical and mental agony he must've been going through. He most likely sobered up because our kids were all in town together to spend time here at the house. But even though they've all gone back to their own lives, he has been sort of clinging to me. He's still not staying overnight but he comes here early in the morning about half an hour before I leave for work, he stays here most of the day (he doesn't have much work of his won at this time), he eats here and stays a while after dinner. I don't have a problem with that. But I notice how is brain is not up to par. He's impatient ( he got quite annoyed at me because I didn't understand a cell phone plan he was talking about which he turned out to be wrong about anyway - and I was right) and, he seems to get confused about small things, he's not mean but not talkative really. He tried to make a joke about one of the guys who binged with him - saying how the guy lost his job if he doesn't go to re-hab. I didn't laugh and I said. "Well, he had a choice: to drink or not to drink. He made the choice". I think my A was trying to laugh off his own binging and it didn't work. This time the binge is weighing heavy on him all the way around. Plus he has no work so no money. How he'll pay is rent I don't know. He can eat here but I will not give him money to buy food. He must feel useless. Too bad. He brought it on himself. I just look at him and think what a shame. It must be awful to be him. He left kinda quickly tonight, like restlessness. I wonder if the urge to drink is crawling through his veins. Probably is. I do hope he makes a good choice. I sense he is overwhelmed by what he has done to himself, having no money, no sense of family in the place he's staying at, and missing our kids terribly. Another drinking binge may be the one that kills him. I hope not but I'm not going to dwell on it. My 2 girls and grand-daughter are coming back into town next week-end so I'm looking forward to that and enjoying my time alone as well ( I get the computer all to myself with no one looking over my shoulder!)....jaja
I really admire your detachment. I really admire the fact that you can not be totally overinvolved.
I am not there yet but I have something to aim towards.
I have said to the A recently that I felt some of his friends were alcoholic. He has a friend who is in the last stages and I have said from time to time. Well he drinks, well he is an alcoholic well he is in alcoholic thinking.
The A just says that his friend is just dysfunctional. I see a dying man there he doesn't. Maybe someday the A will get to a place of seeing his friend as like him. Maybe he won't.
I can detach somedays and other days I can feel on overwhelm about the A's laziness and other issues. I can also pull myself back. I can do that now I don't go into the toxic zone anymore at all.
Your post gives me inspiration that I too will be able to detach once my A boyfriend gets out of jail. It is so hard when you care about the persons well being, but they keep making choices that only hurt themselves. I just have to keep reminding myself that I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it.
