The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am in a strange mood this morning. I took my separation questionaire to my lawyer yesterday to have them officially drafted for signing. It was a weird feeling. Good but bad. Ya know. Like I am putting an end to an era. My first love - my high school love - my marriage to the only man I have ever been with. How strange it was. I remember in the past when divorce talk was brought up, I would panic. I remember thinking that I didn't want to be one of the statistics - ya know, married young and divorced young. I didn't want to prove everyone right -that we wouldn't make it. Well, now I could care less. That is maturity for ya I guess. Hell, I don't even ever seen any of those people (our supposed friends) that predicted our failure. Of course, their predictions never included the real reason for our failure....they all thought we were uncompatible.....never that he would turn in to a crack addict who ditches his wife and kids whenever the feeling hits him.
So now I am thinking he must be in SELF-DESTRUCT MODE. I can't for the life of me figure out what else it could be. Since Jan 9 he has made close to $4,000 in cash advances for his crack. This current binge is the longest for him - today is day 12. The longest he has been gone is 1 week. So I am starting to think that maybe in his mind he sees that he has taken this far, he might as well take it all the way to the end. He's almost out of credit so he better make the most of what is left b/c after it is gone, he'll have to suffer the cravings.
It amazes me to think now that he is so different from the man I married 14 years ago. He used to have goals, ambitions, dreams. He was sweet, charming and dependable. He was so handsome. Now all I can see when I think of him is this shriveled up man, worthless, careless, his teeth are rotting (even though you can't tell by looking - it is inevitable), his insides are rotting, his brain is rotting. He has turned in to the type of man that I would cross the street to avoid on the sidewalk. Granted, I don't think I could tell this by looking at him b/c he really does look just the normal average joe. But I know what he is on the inside now and it reflects what I see on the outside.
It is so sad - the destruction of such a wonderful strong man. So sad.
Thanks for listening......I keep telling myself that I am strong...I can do this...and I can. Just some days (like today - I am PMSing), my sadness of the loss of it all, hits me hard.
Hey girl, you are so strong! I'm proud of you for following through and getting the papers in order. I'm sorry that you have to go through this! I KNOW it hurts trust me I know. The more distance I have the more I realize I was wearing rose colored glasses after about a month with him and just blowing off the things I didn't like about him. I would have cut off the credit card long ago like day 2 of the runner but I guess that's my control thing. That usually put the runner to an end quick! I'm seriously thinking about having mine served with the restraining order I have while I know where he is. Seems mean to kick a dog when he's down but at least it will be there then and it will give me solid custody of the kids with no question. He will take it differently but I guess that's his problem not mine. I'm gonna think on it a little more. Looks like he will be in jail until the 22nd unless MIL finds a sucker sometime soon. I'm sure he'll find a way, he always does. Good luck with that and just remember even tho you don't feel strong on the inside look strong on the outside and he won't know the difference. Fake it till u make it I guess...LOL That's how I feel all the time weak and not sure if I am going to be able to do the next right thing.
It's ok to feel sad, it is a sad situation. I once tried to explain to my Mom (her first husband, my father died when I was very young) that I felt like my husband died too. The difference was that I did not get the closure of a funeral and a grieving family etc. Instead it seemed almost as if I was being tortured by a family (his) in denial and this person who moved in without my permission to wreak havoc on my life. There is self pity thrown in there too but it really was the best way i could describe it to her.
I never wanted to be a statistic either then I discovered I am a statistic no matter how i live my life, there's some agency or people keeping track of whether I am married, divorced, living with addiction, high school grad or college grad, income bracket, have this illness or that one. It doesn't matter in the long run.
Ask your HP for help, to lighten the grief as much as possible. And keep taking care of you and your children. your in my thoughts and prayers.
I can tell by your post that you are strong. You can do this. You are doing this. It breaks my heart to watch someone succumb to their disease. Remember you didn't marry the addict, you married the man you love. In many ways it sounds like you are saying goodbye to him in more ways than one. That's okay. It's the reality of this journey many of us our on. I'll say an extra prayer for you tonight. We're here for you, and you are never alone in this.
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I have been around crack addicts and I must say some of their reasoning on why they continue binges is interesting in the one dimensionality of it. I also for this weekend watched a program on A & E called Intervention. There they have addicts acting out (using in various forms) and they have their family do an intervention. I found that pretty interesting because of course I feel absolutely alone with the A (and the A's before him in the form of my family of origin). The documentary style of her behavior just before she totally bottomed out showed a real rigidity in thinking. For me what was most interesting was the feeback and coaching from the interventionist. He was able to pinpoint when people were getting into the disease and pull them back. He knew some of how to speak to the addict without getting totally lost in the disease. I found that helpful.
I can get totally lost in the "why" around the A as well as around my family. Knowing my limits was not a possibility before al anon.
