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Hello everyone, I read often and learn alot from this board.
I am struggling with a decision. My AH has been in and out of sobriety for 2 years. Really mostly in but the outs are devastating. It seems he overdrank for many years but there were no consequences and now he's mostly sober but one binge---and there are now legal consequences. And I completely believe he needs to face those consequences----I also believe that he and our family will be better off if he's in jail than if he continues to drink.
Alcohol is so destructive. We have 2 small children who love him so much, and he loves them and has an active role in their life. He's a good father. He's also an alcoholic who can't stay sober. I am taking care of myself and the children---I've protected our finances--he has no access. I have money set aside, not enough for long but enough for a short period. Drunks are scrappy they can binge with no money it seems. I want our children to have a family, but how long is too long?? Mostly sober over 2 years is not SOBER. Any thoughts? mom to 2 ps It's just not a great life when you cannot have any expectations of your partner. But I'm not imagining it will be a great life apart either. Being together or being apart, sober or not sober----I wish I knew what was the best choice. It's been 2 years now and I still don't know!
I do not have two small children but I feel pretty trapped on many levels in a relationship with the A. I also felt for a long time in grief that the relationship was not what I needed or wanted it to be. I had to work through that grief and anger and wanting things to change. Then I could work on what I could have with the A (which is not much). I do know that I have a plan b and i work on it working on what are my choices, what are the steps to the choices. I executed one part of it (a financial part) now I am on another part ( a practical self care part). Eventually I will get to a part where I have choices about alternatives. I do not have them at the moment. I know what it is to see only black. Leave him for poverty and lots of issues or stay with him with lots of issues. I don't think it is as black and white as that. I do know its possible to stay and be in the program and work on me and improve my life (never mind his life) that is another alternative and it is one that is workable and liveable.
I could have written your post word for word. AH hasn't run into any legal problems (yet), however just over a year ago he crashed my car 2x in one night when I was 8 months pregnant. He has been in and out for about 3 years, but I have never seen the disease progress like it has been in the last few months, I'm scared and I feel like I don't know him. He is honest with me and has no idea when he's going to get sober again, he's "going through something" and has asked me to hang in there. I don't know if I was in denial all this time, or if I did have hope, or if I just want to believe that maybe he will be okay one day.
In the 9 yrs that I've known him, much of the time has been in non-active mode, but since having kids over 3 years ago he's gone downhill. This disease can go either way IMO. That's what so hard. Since I cannot make a decision right now about separating from him, and at this point my children and I are better off with him than without, I'm not planning on any changes in the near future. I know this can change, but until then I have to pray, focus on myself and respect him as a human being with a sickness. Living one day at a time can be such a gift, but I'm struggling with having no hopes and dreams, or not being able to rely on anything because of his drinking. I have to let go of my dreams a bit more I guess and in the end everything will work out.
I guess we're all just doing the best we can with some difficult circumstances.
I'm not sure what is the best decision. I know I can choose not to decide but I've been doing that for along time now and I'm not sure if that's helping. I think I'm waiting for things to get better. I know I'm doing better in alot of ways. I always have a plan b. My children are always safe and happy. I've got a great job and great friends but I don't share with anyone about my husband's alcoholism. It's hard. I'm living a lie in alot of ways. Separating from my husband will be no easy task. Financially, it will be devastating. We will have to sell our home--and the market is not good right now. I don't think we can keep the house and live apart, but what do you do live together until the house sells?? That seems very difficult. I want to do what's best for my children. mom to 2
My A labels himself as a chronic relapser. What it finally took for him to get sober and stay that way, is the thing that takes most sober As to get there: a choice. Most As if they don't get sober face these options only: death (which he came very, very, close to) or jail or some kind of institution.
You've done all the right things to protect you and your family. Well done. At some point in an As life, as hard as their struggle is, as compassionate as you want to be for them: they have to "grow up" and face the consequences of their addiction. When you think about it, it's part of their recovery too. Mine couldn't see his grandchildren for over a year. That was harder than any jail time as he tells me. I am very lucky my A never got into any legal trouble while he was active. But then sometimes I wonder, if he had been caught with a DUI would have gotten sober faster? (He was a stay at home drinker.) I don't know. I know I would not bail him out. Why should I? If I did was that enabling him? At what point do they suffer the consequences of their addiction? Yes it's hard to watch that. But if it were a child with continual behavioral problems, would we constantly run to protect them? Where do they learn about right and wrong? It breaks my heart to see someone struggle with their addiction, and constantly give into it. But at some point, enough is enough. Maybe, just maybe, if we practice that "tough love" there's a chance they will beat back this monster.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
My A labels himself as a chronic relapser. What it finally took for him to get sober and stay that way, is the thing that takes most sober As to get there: a choice. Most As if they don't get sober face these options only: death (which he came very, very, close to) or jail or some kind of institution.
You've done all the right things to protect you and your family. Well done. At some point in an As life, as hard as their struggle is, as compassionate as you want to be for them: they have to "grow up" and face the consequences of their addiction. When you think about it, it's part of their recovery too. Mine couldn't see his grandchildren for over a year. That was harder than any jail time as he tells me. I am very lucky my A never got into any legal trouble while he was active. But then sometimes I wonder, if he had been caught with a DUI would have gotten sober faster? (He was a stay at home drinker.) I don't know. I know I would not bail him out. Why should I? If I did was that enabling him? At what point do they suffer the consequences of their addiction? Yes it's hard to watch that. But if it were a child with continual behavioral problems, would we constantly run to protect them? Where do they learn about right and wrong? It breaks my heart to see someone struggle with their addiction, and constantly give into it. But at some point, enough is enough. Maybe, just maybe, if we practice that "tough love" there's a chance they will beat back this monster.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
The last sentence here is something I have been struggling with in the program, it's related to Step One. Several alanoners have told me to hang in there, there is hope, they've seen miracles. And, along the same lines, I've read literature that specifically says (paraphrasing in my own words) many people come into alanon and by working the program, they're qualifiers have seen changes in them, and eventually entered recovery themselves. This contradicts being powerless IMO. How can I be powerless and practice tough love at the same time. If I'm going to leave him, that's *should* be my choice regardless of what he may or may not do, right? I'm not saying that if I gave an ultimatum and then followed through, that I wouldn't hope that he would stop drinking, but according to Step One I shouldn't be doing that. Someone who has more experience please clarify this for me?
Ly, Yep, I wonder some of the same things. If my husband were to be in denial about his illness--relapsing, etc, I would not be able to hang on. But am I enabling by hanging on?? He is never here drunk, he never drinks around us. He's a serious binger.
Interestingly, he's on bail---a contingency of which is sobriety. I've just left his attorney a message that he is not sober, that he is missing at the moment. BTW, I did not bail him out of jail---his mother did. I was not going to bail him out. Anyway, he's been going to AA, IOP, reading alot and making a serious effort--but he's now relapsing--slipping--bingeing. All euphemisms for drunk, drunk, drunk!
I've been doing some hard thinking on this but still unsure how to immediately proceed. Calling the attorney felt right to me---he needs to face the consequences of his actions. We'll see what those consequences are.
I know one thing. If we don't practice tough love, we are enabling and they will likely not ever get better. But, most importantly, niether will we. We have to learn to protect ourselves and take our own responsibilities. That seems to be the key. We are doing them and us a diservice by bailing them out of thier responsibility. They can't learn to be healthy if we do not let them. Many of them don't even know what healthy is. My A didn't. We can't get healthy for them, just like they can't get sober(healthy) for us, but when one gets healthy they set the example for many other people around them. They also make it harder for other people around them to delude themselves into thinking that everything is fine as is. Anyway that seems to be the case with my recovery. My recovery is having a ripple effect on several people around me, friends and extended family. I am not recovering for them. I am recovering for me. They can see that its ok to help yourself,too.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
