The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Life is going good. Why do I feel so uneasy? My ah has been sober for almost 6 months. He is very active in his program-going to 10-12 meetings a week, talking to his sponsor almost every night, has others calling him and is talking to them, listening to speaker tapes at home, working his steps, yada, yada, yada. I have gone to Al-anon f2 f meetings (although lately I have slacked b/c I felt like I was taking too much time away from my kids and My daughter seemed to be getting resentful and my kids in generally were beginning to get very lax and my house was getting too chaotic around the holidays with the musical I was performing in and the school programs--and so on and so forth), I have tried to work my steps, I try to stay out of his business and do things for me. I still feel very alone and unsure of everything.
I feel so capable when there is something huge going on--I get proud of myself for not falling apart, why can't I handle just everyday stuff? Why do I feel that I am totally incapable of getting my kids to be responsible for their own things, or my son to really get his teeth clean. Why do I feel so helpless and hopeless in everyday living things?
I know I must be missing some part of this program! The al-anon group I attend has only 2 other ladies in it. They are very nice, but I just don't feel a good connection with either of them. I have not had a sponsor and don't really feel comfortable asking one of them to do it. I am unable to go to any other meetings and feel I am really missing out. I enjoy going to open AA meetings, but feel like I am really neglecting my kids if I am gone more than one night a week. Did/Does anyone else feel guilty trying to figure out how much time to spend away from their children?
I miss my husband. I don't feel like we do anything together anymore. I am so proud of him, but still lonely. I don't want him to change anything, b/c I believe this is my problem, but I'm not sure how to correct it. I'm curious how others have handled this type of situation.
I completely relate to how you are feeling right now. My AH is busy with lots of projects, and while he is home a lot of the nights, his mind seems preoccupied with other thoughts. I go through those lonely periods as well. I tried even telling my AH that I felt lonely. He immediately got defensive and said that felt like a slap in the face to him. At first I felt guilty for saying it, but then I went back to him and just said I don't need you to fix it, its my problem and my feelings, just need a hug. I think that took alot of the pressure off him and put it back where it belonged with me. When the kids go down to bed, I'm learning to pick up the phone and call a friend when I feel lonely. If no one is around, I read, watch a good movie, put on some music and clean the house. Just something to feel like I have company.
I know exactly what you mean about feeling guilty about going to too many f/f meetings. I try and make one meeting a week, sometimes I don't go to a meeting, so I read CAL and journal, or get online here with you guys. The biggest thing that came to mind while reading your post was Easy Does It. Your A is working hard and making all those meetings may feel necessary for him, but if you don't feel you need more than one a week, don't put added stress on you. You are one person that takes on many roles in a day. I know for me when I spread myself too thin I get very irritable and get snappy with the kids. Some days, I just say we're having breakfast for dinner then we're going to cuddle on the couch read books, or play a game. Once a week we have opposite day and that is anything goes day, I think it helps me to relax and get goofy too. I hope you get some good ESH on this subject because its a good one and I think there are lots of people feeling that pressure too.
Be good to you and everyone else around you will feel all that you posess.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Do you ever go to the open AA meetings *with* your husband? I find that that is one way for us to do things together that works well - we go to roundups sometimes too. You might want to talk to him about this - just something like "How would you feel about us having a 'date night' now and then?" and see how he feels. I know for us, so much of our social life before revolved around drinking and bars, and it was hard to find things to do together that didn't mean going to the bar. Sometimes we go to meetings in another town 40 minute drive from here - he goes to the AA, I go to the alanon in the same building. We go out for supper first, maybe drive up on the motorbike if the weather is nice. It's a night out, in a new way.
Don't know how old your kids are, but I found that if I spent some real and focused time with them, either doing something fun, or getting some work done (everybody pitch in and clean the playroom...) , they didn't mind so much if I then took time for myself later. It's the focused attention that they miss, not just the hours - quality time versus quantity time, if you will. I've often missed a meeting to cuddle up with them and watch a movie or something, and then do some reading or come here instead, after they go to bed or while they are doing homework. You might want to enlist your husband for some of the parenting, too - if he is anything like mine, the whole parent thing was mine while drinking, and it sorta stayed that way after sobering up. I have to make sure and ASK, if I want him to pull his weight, but he does, when poked and prodded a bit. Just a question of making new habits to replace the old.
Hi, 6 months is not long enough time in recovery for a couple to get back into a better balance. I have had to wait 2 years and then some---because my hubby also has add/adhd, too. I know what you mean by the "big stuff'. i planned a wedding last summer, and we raised "4" children. But don't ask me HOW to do this daily thing called life, day in, day out. At the beginning of this year, I decided the part of my program that never really got touched up and even at meetings---was the slogans. I mean, i say, them, but applying them is another! So in my 4th year now, the slogans are being applied. I got out the readers and wrote them all out on little placecards. I did not know there were 14 tools I could pull out of my hat on a bad day! (I think i have the count right!) So, I'd brush up on the part of program that you really have only touched the surface on. That sometimes help. It took us a decade for our relationship to get wayyyyy off course, so i guess we are putting in the time to let it all level off into a better balance. And lonely, yes, I have been lonely for a long time, but a lot less lonely today, now that I am networking, not just with program folks, but now beginning to step out in baby steps with others in other areas of my life. keep on, keeping on!
I sure relate, and thanks for your kind response to my earlier post. Why are you uneasy?....for me it is because early sobriety is simply an uneasy time. Things have drastically changed for you in the past 6 months, even if for the better, still lots to adjust to. Sometimes my unease also feels like post traumatic stress....so much built up over his drinking times...so much affected me that I never dealt with. It floods back now...i think unconsciously sometimes. And having kids to raise puts an added layer of complexity.....some days I am just happy that they didn't see me cry! I try to focus on all that I do give them as a parent - because we are sooo good at seeing all we don't do. Like someone just wrote to me, we can give 50% and feel guilty that we aren't giving 100%. Try to focus on the love and security and comfort you give them - all the tiny insignificant seeming things that actually are so significant.
I wish for you a big exhale...and a feeling of peace.....just for the moment.
Now ask yourself....what do I need in my life to feel more at ease?
My younger sister has both an eating disorder and alcoholism. She has always had a eating disorder (our mother had one). I have an eating disorder as well and go to o.a. for it. I find it very hard to manage but I put in some effort on it.
I think one of the joys and issues Al anon has given me is to be willing to look at my own behavior. I will claim I do not behave like the A in my life (I live in the same house with him) yet I have love bombed and hate bombed people. I can totally love bomb people when I meet them because I am compulsively trying to please them and be liked by them (for me that behavior is compulsive). Then I can hate bomb in a minute. I really have a hard time owning this behavior because I didn't see anything wrong with it for years. After all I lived with an A who was totally out of control. My behavior didn't compare to his. I did get out of control on many many levels though with resentment, with martyrdom, with lots of stuff.
I know for me the behaviors started long long before I met the A. Nevertheless there is no question for me being around an A who is active I can get totally lost in the behavior and in trying to manage him. The A I live with has hepatitis C. He has treatment for that that means he can't drink (I believe they do testing). That doesn't mean he is sober since he doesn't have a program. I think he is actually far more irritable not drinking (in a dry drunk) than he is totally saturated in alcohol.
I spent a lot of time over reacting to the A. I am still probably more aware of his stuff than I should be or could be but I have come a long long way in a year. I had an insight today that for me its been a grief process to give up wanting him to be a certain way in the relationship like he was at the beginning (which I believe now was his in some ways love bombing me since he couldn't do enough for me) and wanted it to be "different". Giving up my fantasy of how it "should be"has had a process of being angry, being sad, trying to negotiate and eventualy coming to an acceptance. For me part of that acceptance is to plan on leaving at some point. I work on being more separate from him in the interim. I can now label some of my anger and sadness and disappointment as "grief" rather than out of control. Nevertheless without this room and this group I would be out of control, deeply depressed and more. For me the A had his disease and I had a similar disease process that was like his driving me to certain death. I managed to intervene with al anon and therapy and being committed to myself. I know without it I would be on certain path to illness and self destruction.
I can definitely relate to your post. My A is not sober but he has had to stop drinking because of a medical treatment regimen he is on. I can definitely do well in a crisis. Give me one I'll turn things around in a dime but everyday life and self care I cant do well at all. I feel like I need a coach I actually need to share more.
I shared with a friend tonnight about some work stuff and it felt like such a relief! I felt like I lay a burden down.
I can also relate to feeling lonely. I think it is a constant in a relationship with an alcoholic. The A is always off as a knight in shining armour somewhere. He is so social. I am so isolated. Some of my isolation is protective and some isn't. I am working on sharing more and being more intimate with others but not indiscriminately (one of my charactor defects).
Thank you so much for your responses!! It was so nice to hear/see that others go through what I am going through. I will print them out and look over them and think about what I need to do or don't do. Like I stated I do know this is my problem and something I need to work on and I want to change and feel more comfortable--I know if I feel more comfortable with me then all of life will go better.
The biggest thing that came to mind while reading your post was Easy Does It. Your A is working hard and making all those meetings may feel necessary for him, but if you don't feel you need more than one a week, don't put added stress on you. You are one person that takes on many roles in a day. I know for me when I spread myself too thin I get very irritable and get snappy with the kids. Some days, I just say we're having breakfast for dinner then we're going to cuddle on the couch read books, or play a game. Once a week we have opposite day and that is anything goes day, I think it helps me to relax and get goofy too. I hope you get some good ESH on this subject because its a good one and I think there are lots of people feeling that pressure too. 