The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hi all so the weeks that my Abf has ben home from rehab have been so hard for me. i am filled with questions about our future...i am resentful that he has so little to give me...i am wishing for more for me and my kids...all selfish, but normal feelings i guess. i love this man - and we have had so many fun and tender and growing and wonderful times in the past weeks. i love going to AA meetings once a week. i love having dinners and breakfasts and walks with him and the kids. we laugh and cry. sledding now that there is snow. the tiny things that i love about life i love sharing with him. but tempers are high and we end up hurting each other too often....i am exhausted emotionally ...i look awefull and tired and i feel my spirit worn too thin. i need space from him...i need space for myself.
i asked for that space.... i asked what he thought what that could look like for him. no answer. i said to me it could look like this...i need him to work and be out of the house a bit each week (he is depressed and unemployed)...or that he could stay at his friends apartment maybe 2 nights a week so i could have solo time...which is what i need to rejeuvenate. he said no. he said our relationship is too serious to have a night or two aprt and that for his sobriety he needs stability and one home - not two. and he said he is not ready to work again yet. so he will stay with friends for an unlimited amount of time while we "get clear"....i wonder what will get clear..i feel our needs have been stated and are incompatible. i feel aweful and guilty for saying that i need him to be working a little...i feel like it is such a painful rejection of him that i say i need space...but isn't that space needed and healthy in every relationship? and most of all...it is healthy because i need it. i know he wants a stable home, a stable loving partner and a really strong base from which to restart his life. but we are both in early recovery and tired..i have tried so hard...and it still feels exhausting and that the job is far from finished.
i keep asking...is a relationship truly possible in early recovery? what am i asking of myself? am i crazy? am i expectiong different results from the same actions? that is why i suggested the changes i did...so maybe we can have better results. but now he wants to go all the way. i don't want to do this much longer. can it be any easier?
i am building fires at night - playing wit the kids - talking with friends - going to the gym and yoga - taking nice hot showers - just so ya know i am trying to be good to me while my heart is breaking.
Sorry about your hard struggles! I don't really have words of wisdom. I just wanted you to know that early sobriety isn't easy! (I'm sure you know.) It can be so confusing and all those emotions and feelings are right on the surface. I hope you two can figure out what is best. Just keep praying to your HP and He will work it all out. Keep taking care of you, you're right--if you don't nobody else will.
((Fifi)) There is nothing wrong with asking for your needs - I hate that he was not able to see your side sometimes that is the nature of the disease - sometimes it is just them - most of all I hate that you are feeling this added pain right now, but glad you are taking care yourself - keep doing that.
Peace to you, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
You might be wanting too much too soon - I know I did. But, still, you have needs and have the right to make these needs known. He also has needs, and maybe if the two of you work together on it, you can come up with a way for you both to feel that at least some of your needs are being met. You notice that he feels no problem making his needs known, and doing whatever he has to, to see that they are met.
I know that I find it hard not to feel guilty if I am only doing my share. I always feel that I have to do at least 3/4 of whatever work is needed, in order to feel good. This is something that I really work on, and I bet you have the same problem. Meeting him halfway feels like taking advantage of him! And of course, he is willing to allow me to feel that way, whether conciously or unconciously
It takes a long time. It has taken two years for my hubby's cobwebs to clear from his brain. The first time he quit drinking at 30, it only took about 2 weeks. he had 10 yrs sobriety, and then picked up again and drank again. Because it is a progressive disease, it has taken 2 years this time. My anger and resentment stays with me a long, long time. I have spent many nights on the sofa, and yep, seek out dozens of ways to 'get my space'. Think of it as drawing a Heart. Start at the top middle point and draw with your fingers a heart. 'sometimes 2 people have to become far apart to come back together again.' It doesn't matter how it's done (getting your space), just doing it---is what matters, so both can grow into the people HP intends them to be. Growth and change, to become a better person. : ) Good Luck!
space was vital to my continuing recovery. even now, when i'm around someone toxic, (not just A's, but most all self-centerists), i use my program vigilantly, but it drains me. i can't say exactly where you are at, but i see you in a big learning phase.
boundaries are essential. rehab or not, my opinion is that stage of personality is certainly toxic, still.
what you are asking is not too much at all. of course, he sees the change as DEVASTATING. fear based people tend to see any change as a negative. all you can do is hold on... hold on to the boundary. it is okay for you to state that you are NOT asking -- it is your need (one of which i certainly agree and applaud you for having the courage to make), and it shall be.
good on you for taking some fifi time. good on you for putting your needs into communication. keep coming back.
with love, always cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Wow physical and emotional space is very important to me. I spend some time creating it. I just left a job (admittedly a temporary job) that didn't have either and I have to say it was difficult. I have to say I applaud you for being able to see what your needs are. My issue is not so much about my needs but how to negotiate to get them anywhere, be it work, be it with a friend and lastly with the A.
I know one thing that helps me to be more realistic is to do research. When I watch shows like Intervention on A&E and see the alcoholic/addict be confronted and get help I am really aware of the long journey of recovery. Last week I saw a show and they showed the addict afterwards in recovery. She looked formidable but she spoke very candidly about being on shaky legs in several areas of her life. I don't see the alcoholic I live with in those terms of what could he do/what is he capable of. I just see walls of frustration a lot of the time.
After a while the walls of frustration changed for me in al anon they took some doing. I lived in a sea of resentment and grief for a long time. I still have my triggers but often they are outside of him. I was really super triggered in my last job with people around me who were codependent. I don't think I dealt with it that well. I know better ways to deal with it now. I have to create for myself a whole emotional plan b, people, tools, resources to deal with things that come up. I used to look to the A to fill all my emotional needs now I don't. He does fill some of them (not much) and I work with that. I still have huge huge gaps in my life but I work on closing them every day.
I am glad you are here and sharing about what you need how you need it and why you need it.
I sure understand your need for space. My A didn't go into any rehab, but I almost wish he would've. Putting him away somewhere and not allowing him any contact with me for a couple of weeks would've been a dream come true for me. When he first quit drinking and started AA, he thought we should just pick up where we left off and I should just forgive him and move ahead. I was hurting too much. I felt smothered everytime we were in the same room. We don't live together and that space has been a life-saver for me. I find my home to be my sanctuary away from the stress of his recovery. I can focus on me and my kids. He has a hard time with that. He says he understands and I do think he's trying to understand, but he's lonely. I get that, too. I keep reminding him that he has his AA meetings and his sponsor to help him and he should continue to use them. He just got his 1 month token. I'm so proud of him for that. But I still need my space. We disagree on that. He thinks I'll never learn to trust him unless I spend time with him and see how he's changed. That makes sense, but if I'm not ready to trust, I'm just going to build higher walls to make myself feel secure until I do. So, his response to that was, "I has only been 30 days." Arghhh! He said something nice. I don't know how to take that.
I'm still trying to figure out just how to apply this process. I get the first step. I am powerless over other people's emotions and actions. I cannot control every aspect of my life. I have to let go and let God handle those things that I cannot control. When he was drinking, I could do that. It was easy. If his lips were moving, he was lying. Now it's not that easy. So I take a lot of deep breaths.
