The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
MY brother stopped comminicating with his entire family 5 years ago with no reason at all. This includes the extended family too. After my parents hadn't heard from him and no phone calls were accepted along with returned mail, they decided to call the police in Houston. The police did a "person locate" and went to his house. My brother was there. The police called my parents back and asked why he is so angry and if they had done something to make him that angry. MY dad said no and we don't know what could have made him that angry. The police got the message loud and clear that my brother does not want anything to do with us. Previous to that, he had been calling us, sending gifts out of the blue and emailing. We had to call him to tell him dad was once again in the hospital and ill 5 years ago. That was the last time I talked to him or he to anyone else. My parents are now very ill. They have even moved from the state I grew up in to the state my paernt's grew up in and where I now live. When my mom was told she had alzheimers 2 years ago, she called my brother and put a message on his answering machine saying the doctors told her she has alzheimers. NO return call even for that. They seem to screen their calls on their answering machine. I had a friend from here call them once and that call was screened too and no call returned. He does have a business on ebay and we know he still buys things but is not selling at the time. My sister-in-law (his wife) works at a large oil company who will not even give out information if she works there. WE are not sure what my brother is doing as he is a geological petroleum engineer who wasn't liking his work and so he started his profitable ebay business before he quit talking to us. Even Christmas presents are not picked up and mail is sent back unopened. We all just quit trying. I have accidentally called his number by mistake and ended up leaving a message for him to call me. I have thought of flying to houston and going to his front door but I think he would probably shut the door in my face and that would be too hurtful to me. Plus that costs alot of money. We decided not to email him on his ebay account so he does not realize we still know his ebay name and can see what he is buying. AT least that way we can know if he is still alive. Mom worries alot about that. What he is choosing to do is so very hurtful to my parents, especially a poor elderly woman with fast progressing alzhiemers. I have been able to detatch from him. But now, I am thinking it would be a great gift for them to see their son before thy are too ill to recognize him or be dead. My parents said all they want to do is apologize for whatever they may have done. What a horrible thing for a son to do to his family without saying why. AT least I know how hurtful it is and he must not know how badly it is hurting them in their old age. We don't want to make things worse or dad doesn't. Dad thinks he will show up for his funeral and I tell dad that I really don't think he will. I need wisdom here for what is possible to resolve this. I know it is his loss but if you could see how much it breaks my parents hearts you would want a resolution too. I have even thought of contacting a pastor there, but my brother is athiest. His wife disowned her family that was extremely dysfunctional. That is what I say to my parents. Maybe it was easy for him to do or a choice he made since his wife did the same thing. They just don't want any relatives in their lives. I know I am powerless, but in this situation, there must be hope somewhere for some kind of plan to reconnect, at least with my parents and my brother. I appreciate any ideas even how silly or expensive they may be. Thanks, Serenity
I think the Salvation Army have a service to connect families who are estranged. I do not have the link, address, phone number. Perhaps a social worker who is involved in your mother's care might help too. Third party interventions sometimes help. Sometimes they don't.
For me so much of my al-anon program is about how powerless I am. I have real issues with the A's mother. For a long time I went with no contact with her because she frustrated me greatly. These days I can withstand contact from her. Nevertheless I have to work the program a lot around her because (a) she is rude (b) an alcoholic (c) a narcissist and more.
I encounter people all the time I have issues with far beyond my family. Nevertheless I have to say it is what about those person(s) that resemble some of my family traits that sometimes throws me. Personally I have to have people I can talk to regularly about this. In the program I have learned how to cultivate them and cultivate relationships with them. I also have been to therapy and try to go regularly. I find that helpful. I have not found a solution yet to how to deal with certain really difficult situations but I have found some relief from my anxiety, frustration and sense of being overwhelmed.
I can't say the relationships with people who could "hear" me, know me, want to know me or support me came overnight, they didn't. I can say that al anon helped me to learn how to manage them, stop demanding too much from certain persons and learn what I could expect reasonably in certain relationships. I don't have the optimal number of close relationships by any means but I do have some. I had none before al -anon. I thought I had some but I had other codependent relationships that enabled me, supported me in behaviors that didn't help me and encouraged me to act out in various ways.
Oh honey, I wish I had answers for you...but I don't . Yes, that hurts. One thing my new sponsor has taught me is that I can call from time to time and say nothing but, "I have been thinking about you and I miss and I love you." And then leave it at that. Not to expect anything in return, but to call and do this when I feel I need to do it. You just being there to give love and support to your family is what matters most. As much as we would like to, none of us can fix the people in our life. Your powerless and your family is powerless. You have let him know you still love him and are there for him. The rest will be up to him. I pray for all who are concerned because that is all I know to do.
I feel your hurt. I especially feel for your parents.
A member of my family did the same thing. As I joined alanon and learnt to keep my side of the street clean, I begin to understand why sometimes keeping one's boundaries clear may include cutting off family members, especially if one feels they are only there to demand, meddle, and judge. Bottom line for me is that one will make such a strong sacrifice if the cost (financially, spiritually, emotionally) outweighs the benefits. A wise man once said...you are shown your family, but you are not shown your friends. Maybe your Brother has found the ones he chose to have has friends. I am sure you have other family members that are happy to communicate with you. I am sure you may have your own family appreciating your attention. I am sure your parents have grandkids and other kids just loving them. Your Brother will return to the flock if and when he chooses...remember you nor your parents caused him to feel the way he feels, you can't cure him from feeling that way, and you can't control him from feeling that way. So let go and let his God.
Your brother obviously feels he has his reasons for this. Since you don't know what they are and he won't tell you, there is nothing you can do to change his mind. All you can do is to reach out regularly, maybe once a year or so and let him know that the door is open if he wants to walk through it. That is the only part of it that is yours. As to making this easier for your parents - I would say that being the best child to them that you can is all - you cannot take your brother's place and there is no way to try. I would not try to force this beyond what is natural - I can just see it backfiring in your face so many ways. For instance, say you do manage to drag him home to talk to your parents. What if, instead of the reconciliaton you hope for, he is horrible and abusive to them? It certainly seems possible. Things would then be worse. Your only part in this is YOUR relationship to your parents - make sure it is a good one, and let the rest go.
that must be a tough place to be in - hate that for everyone.
Not sure that you can do anything to get your brother to talk to you if he doesn't want to - but have you thought about something to give your parents peace? Can they write (or some one help them write) him a letter expressing their feelings for him, how they missed him, don't understand but accepted his decision - what ever they feel they need to say - don't know if he would ever read it but it may give you parents the peace & closure they are seeking.
Wish I had other suggestions only that I'm keeping you & your family in my thoughts & prayers,
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Don't accidentally call him Don't look at his ebay account Don't drive by his house to check on him Don't fly to his house and show up on the front door
What to do.....
Pray for him Send a birthday card and a Christmas card, you could say something like "We miss you and hope to see you soon" But that's it, nothing else, no questions, or shame filled comments. Let him contact you when he's ready and welcome him with open arms.....NO QUESTIONS ASKED!!!
This is what I ask you....Are you going to Alanon meetings? Have you talked this over with your sponsor? You cannot control anyone or take care of anyone if they dont want to be taken care of. This program is about self care/self love/ taking care of our own business and doing what needs to be done for ourselves and nobody else. If this program is not giving you the insight or answers that you need perhaps considering outside help from a councellor or therapist may help you on your quest. I would like to hear more about how YOU are doing and not what others are doing or not doing. Taking care of YOU is #1 in the Alanon program, finding peace and serenity that we who are affected by anothers drinking long for. Your brother is an adult, and he makes his own choices whether you like it or not. You cannot change who is and why he is. The only person you can change is yourself. I am sure you have heard this many times with your stay in this Alanon, and if you are not attending f2f meetings I highly recommend it.
