alanon should be spoken here - Al-Anon Family Group

Alanoner · Veteran Member

alanon should be spoken here

irish54 · Senior Member

Very good post.

I so long to grow spiritually.... as I know this is the way to my goal ...this is the answer.

I don't have any answers for anyone else... I'm still struggling to find my own. I am so grateful for this program.

The "program" is not THE answer in itself.... but the spiritual growth that is sought through working the program is.

Thanks for the reminder for myself.

Thanks,
Irish

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry to learn that AlAnoners are incapable of thinking for themselves. Surely didn't know there are things I cannot say here. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Diva

SLS · Senior Member

That was a great reminder for me to stay focused on moving forward in my recovery. I know that unless I am actively working the Steps and participating in Service, I am generally "wallowing in the mud" of self-pity.

There are certainly times when I need to "vent" and it is a great comfort to be able to do that with others in the Program who understand in ways that "normies" cannot. But, I find that if I do that too long, my thinking becomes distorted and I become stuck. I am unable to see my HP at work in my life much less discern what my HP would have me do, which is never a good thing. I have learned the hard way that things go much better when I do it my HP's way and not my own!!

Thank you again for the share.

CJ · ~*Service Worker*~

I have grown so much from this website. I attribute a lot of my total growth to the people here who have posted, reposted, or responded, with whatever they felt in their heart and in their program. I wish not to take inventory. I'm better off spending my energy working on me. I have the ability to "take what i want, as i deem important to my life, and leave the rest".

no harm in posting a group step 4

yours in recovery
cj

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

With all due respect, the day I stop thinking for myself, is the day I leave this program. I love the tennants of Alanon. I respect each and everyone's point of view, whether or not they speak Alanon. This board has saved my life. It has taught me many, many things. This program has enabled me to become stronger and wiser. I take what I like and leave the rest. The fact that not everyone speaks the same language, is the beauty of this place. I for one, would be incredibly disappointed if we did not allow others to speak in a different way. In the meetings or on the Step Board I can understand why we only work with CAL, etc. But to enforce (for lack of a better word) that the language of Alanon only be spoken on this board, would, IMHO be deterimental to my recovery at least. I would spend more time worrying about if I was saying the "correct" thing, rather than be loving and supportive of the members here. I would spend more time questioning if I had the "right" to post something because I wasn't sure if it was Alanon correct.

Let us take no one's inventory, but be loving and supportive no matter what we speak here.

Live strong,
Karilynn

gardengal · ~*Service Worker*~

In Alanon we do not give advice. We share our experiences , strengths, and hope. We are a group of people who have been brought together from all walks of life because of a common bond..."We have been affected by alcoholism". There are those who wish to dictate what we should or should not do, but those are those who are not following the principles of Alanon. The final decision is of each and every person , themselves, what they "choose" to do in any of their affairs. We only in alanon reinforce in their minds that they have choices, and that they do not have to live as they have, by sharing our ESH with them. And as Diva said......Take what you like and Leave the rest.

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

Alanoner

Welcome to the MIP family - we are here to recover from the affects of alcoholism & addiction. We try give comfort, understanding & support to each other - we tend to try to avoid giving advice - we do offer e,s, & h - and sometimes suggestions of ways we have dealt with similiar situations to our MIP family.

This is not an Al-Anon Conference Approved Site so everythring that is said here will not always meet 100% of the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions, but you will find that what is said here by the members is meant with love, compassion & healing the best way we know how.

We aren't perfect but we are trying to help each other to live happy, joyous & free One Day at a Time - We hope you will join us on our journey.

Peace,
Rita

lilms · Senior Member

Which is why I say very little.
lilms

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Quote: It warns against urging wives to "stand up for her rights" or to "not allow this or that".

On the other hand...
Alanon also promotes not being a doormat and creating boundaries.

When we start speaking only Alanon, not allowing someone to be resentful and being understanding of it, we are attempting to squelch human feelings.

In order to speak ONLY Alanon, I must think ONLY Alanon with no other outside thoughts..that is where the "cult" accusations enter.
Alanon is a wonderful program but it is not the total of who I am.

Christy

Moon · Veteran Member

Alanoner I hear what you're saying. I was hoping this forum would have more recovery on it, but it is what it is...

People are at least trying to do the right thing (myself included) and with time and hopefully many actual face to face meetings, growth will come. (Not to mention work the steps, get a sponsor and read the literature)

I think many of the topics that show up here are best dealt with a sponsor (on a one on one basis) But for whatever reason people are sharing and maybe this forum is all they have right now.

SLS · Senior Member

Rita G wrote:

This is not an Al-Anon Conference Approved Site so everythring that is said here will not always meet 100% of the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions

Then perhaps it is inappropriate for the site to represent itself as an "Al-Anon Family Group Message Board."

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Yep, I knew it would eventually be said...Political correctness has reared its ugly head...*shudder*...Now the title of the site is inappropriate...*sigh*...Diva

SLS · Senior Member

My post had nothing to do with "political correctness." Either this site is an "Alanon Family Group," a title that implies that Alanon is spoken here, or it is a very helpful site for "Friends and Families of Alcoholics" in which case many different things are posted here, some of which may not be Alanon. That does not mean that those things are not helpful, just that they may not be Alanon and should not be represented as such.

CJ · ~*Service Worker*~

when i speak in my al-anon face to face meeting, i am not bound by anyone else's words, feelings, expectations, "program", or any other tripe of what 'should' be spoken. i refuse to give up that right to appease a few people here with anal retention problems.

tah

on the bright side... i have the ability to take what i want and leave the rest... if you don't have that ability, perhaps you need to work your program.

tah

AndiLynn · Senior Member

This post and the replies have me really thinking. I have been using the chatroom for about 2 yrs., the board for awhile less, and this is what I have found...........

The open chatroom serves many purposes; ESH, a safe place to vent, cry and let it all out, a place to socialize and get my mind on other things so I know there is more to life than the A and all the "wonderful" things associated with it, a place to know I am not alone.

The meetings in the chatroom; ESH (again), and a place where I can go to pick up more alanon tools and learn how to apply them. I don't see many differences between an online meeting and a f2f other than I look at letters instead of faces. Both types of meetings are held the same way....same forum...no cross talk, etc.

The message board (which is apparently the item of contraversy) serves a number of purposes also; ESH (notice a pattern?), it gives us the ability to get cross talk and feedback on issues in our lives we are struggling with, provides us with a place to share our experiences and how we handled them and also gives us a place to share the good things happening in our lives. The message board reminds me of the conversations that take place after a f2f meeting...... ever stay after a f2f meeting with the group?????

"It points out, that this advice, although well intentioned, may have serious consequences. It warns against urging wives to "stand up for her rights" or to "not allow this or that".

In my experiences, in the room and on the board, the only times I have seen anyone even come close to imply to someone what they "should" do is when a matter of safety comes into play. When someone has expressed that they and/or their children are in harms way I see it is a duty to advise them to get themselves somewhere safe. Because if we do not let them know it is ok to leave then it "may have serious consequences".

I have also noticed that almost any reply to posts that offer experience, the person posting will say "this is what I did", "this is my opinion", or "if it were me this is what I would do". The last I knew, even if someone gave me advice, it didn't mean I had to do what they suggested. I still have the ability to think for myself and choose if that advice is right for me or not. Alanon (this room and board in particular) helped me to understand I CAN think for myself.

I guess bottom line for me is that I do see Alanon spoken here, because to me Alanon is support, love and understanding. When I receive these things and am given the opportunity to return them to someone else I grow spiritually. I think maybe it's not all about how you work the program, but also how you view it.

Andi

Maybe this may give a better understanding about what advice really is........(notice it says "opinion" and "guide"?)

ad·vice

[ad-vahys] Pronunciation Key –noun 1.an opinion or recommendation offered as a guide to action, conduct, etc.: I shall act on your advice. 2.a communication, esp. from a distance, containing information: Advice from abroad informs us that the government has fallen. Recent diplomatic advices have been ominous.

tea2 · ~*Service Worker*~

AndiLynn wrote:
"It points out, that this advice, although well intentioned, may have serious consequences. It warns against urging wives to "stand up for her rights" or to "not allow this or that".

In my experiences, in the room and on the board, the only times I have seen anyone even come close to imply to someone what they "should" do is when a matter of safety comes into play. When someone has expressed that they and/or their children are in harms way I see it is a duty to advise them to get themselves somewhere safe. Because if we do not let them know it is ok to leave then it "may have serious consequences".

Welcome and Hello Alanoner,

I read this page, I am unsure why you chose this one to emphasize “Spiritual Growth” I see in the Index it is listed under the subject “Advice”

If you are sharing on advice, abuse is the first thing that came to my mind when I read your post
I believe that is one instance where it’s not only ok to advise someone but to also aid them with additional support and resources when possible.
I agree with AndiLynn's reply where she mentions this. I also would like to say that no where in the index of ODAAT do I see “Abuse” I do understand it’s an older piece of our literature. Pretty much all of my other CAL literature has Abuse listed in the indexes -infact I see A Special Word to Anyone Confronted with Violence and TAPPING OTHER RESOURSES In the front pages of How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics

and From survival To Recovery Growing Up In An Alcoholic Home

It speaks of additional help outside Al-Anon not only for abuse but for those who are in need of more specialized help and support, such as therapy or legal counsel – in addition to coming to Al-Anon.

From Courage to Change (p 273)

”There is hope, there is help, and I have an inalienable right to human dignity.”
From: How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics (Preface ix)

"- But no one has to accept violence. No matter what seems to trigger the attack, we all deserve to be safe."

Hearing a should in here reminds me of one of the reasons I came to this program – my alcoholic would should on me an awful lot - I even should of myself. Although Al-anon is helping me with this

To quote the Beginner’s Preamble I have -

***We must try to be patient with ourselves and our families. It took a long time for the disease of alcoholism to affect each and every one of us, and it may take a long time for everyone to recover.

So imo, the only should I know of in Al-Anon is: Everyone is right where they should be.
I see people sharing and supporting with their own E, S and H (just like in these replies you have recieved)
With this program I have a choice to take what I like and leave the rest.
My own explanation of Al-Anon in a nutshell is Patience, Love and Tolerance - being a very gentle, self help ‘recovery program’

Just my .02

wishes in recovery,
tea2

bobump · ~*Service Worker*~

oops, didn't mean to post this. LOL

-- Edited by bobump at 20:35, 2007-02-08

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.