The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
as i was reading over tiger2006 reply to my post '' i was just sitting here.........''. i heard the words, ''yes, but it is better than being beat'' in my head. that is what i used to tell myself concerning my relationship with my husband. when i met him years ago, he appeared to be and was a very nice man. he had a very good job. that meant security to me. he was dependable, stable, strong. he drank to much. but, i didn't know that. i thought his drinking was normal. i thought everybody's drinking was normal. there were warning signs concerning his behavior to me. signs i choose to ignore, telling myself........., ''yes, but it is better than being beat''. his disappearing for days, his ''i am taking care of you attitude'', his ''we are NOT going to talk about this'', his ''i am doing for you what you cannot do for yourself ''character, all of this has been a form of abuse. i didn't know it, until i read marie's post about abusive relationships. ''one person in the relationship has more power than the other''. i thought abuse meant physically being beaten, that was my background before i met my husband. he appeared to be my night in shining armour. what this damsel in distress didn't see, was what was under the aromour. another form of abuse, a behavior pattern, that would excalate over the years. my husband has NEVER hit me, nor has he EVER hurt our children. [as a matter of fact i have always wondered............, why doesn't he treat me with the same kindness he shows the children?] he has not ever touched one of our animals except to stroke them in affection [as a matter of fact i have alway wonderered.............. why doesn't he treat me with the same gentleness he shows the animals?] he treats his friends with respect [ and again i have wondered silently why.........?] now i see these traits toward me in my adult children. my family has always expected me to fix everything and make everyone feel happy. if i don't live up to these expectations, then, this is a miserable family, and in nasty meaness they turn on me.[all of them together]. as if i am the problem because i haven't met their needs. no..........., life in this marriage hasn't always been bad. there have been many good times. what i am beginning to see is that this is a family that hasn't been RIGHT. there are things that have been going on for a long time that are WRONG. now i am beginning to wonder..............., ''Do i want to be here? have i ever wanted to be here? has this relationship always been an escape for me from a physically abusive past? what do i want? do i want what i have? [ nice home, grandchildren, security, ect] these are hard questions to ask, and, even more difficult to answer. i see a step four coming up soon. better make sure i have the solid foundation of steps one, two, and three in place first.
"if they don't hit you then it's not abuse right?" - that is what I thought for the first 10 & 1/2 yrs of my marriage
Like you said - I also had to do a 4th & 5th step to understand my thinking on this issue - Abuse is abuse - if it is physical, verbal or emotional - it is still abuse & it is unaccceptable behavior.
Why did I tolerate this type of abuse? Because my mom stayed with physical & she didn't leave how can I leave? He never hit me. I can't put all the blame on her - I'm a mother to 5 daughters - right now - 3 of those girls are in abusive relationships. Either physical, verbal or emotional abuse - yet they stay - why? because that is what there mother (step-mom) taught them to do? who knows? The other 2 girls do not appear to be in unhealthy relationships right now - but they have been in the past.
So how do we break this cycle - what can I do so that those precious 3 granddaughters of mine don't make the same mistakes?
They tell me that hopefully the God of my understanding will let me live a life of recovery as an example to these wonderful daughters, that they see the changes in their recovering father, the new recover friends we have in our lives & that there is always hope that this horrible cycle of abuse will be broken in our families.
Let it begin with me.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I could relate to this a lot. When I met the A he was kind considerate and could not do enough for me. Eventually the signs started slipping. he was abrupt, mean, nasty, pushy, off kilter. There are still times when he can be considerate but really most of the time he's moody, tantruming (especially this time of the month when he has to pay rent). I walk on eggshells a lot. I do a lot lot lot better with al anon.
One thing I hold onto is that I am on plan b. I will not live this way forever. I look for how can I exit successfully. I've also done a lot of grief work. This relationship is not good. I am part of that. My fouth step has helped me a lot. I've stopped a lot of my behaviors that contributed. I have stopped raging, manipulating, wondering why. There is no "why". He is a grown man almost 50 he behaves like a 2 year old. He has obstacles and difficulties, don't we all.
Really what my A wants is someone to replace his mother to be the fountain of giving he didn't have as a child. He has not grieved or done that much work on his childhood, he's stuck there in the sulk mode most days.
I am glad you are talking about this. I've dealt with the physical (November was the last time) he just tantrums these days. I am sick of it. I am also aware I have to be strategic. I have completed part of my plan b now I'm on another part. I no longer feel as trapped.
