The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm soooo angry right now. I'm mot usually the one who screams and shouts. I bottle up things inside and be the doormat person.
but today, he put the last straw on this camel. I yelled back at him. told his how hurtful he was, and that he isn't the only one hurt in this relationship.
then I walked out to the other room and cleaned, cried etc., After a while He didn't say a word, but went out of the house, I presume for a walk.
Now all of a sudden I'm being my co-dependent self. wondering when he will or wheather he will come back or not. Feeling like I did something wrong again. the old feelings. But I know I needed to say what I said to him, long time coming. with our move to this new house, so far we have not been happy, and have been mad at each other. not the way I expected. I don't know what is god's will here.
I wish i could talk to someone, I know tried couple of an-alonions, to day is sat, superbowl weekend. many are busy doing their things..
I have a lot of abandonment issues so I can understand how that feeling of codependence as you describe it kicks in. I don't have that much control of it. I'm learning there is a beginning to those and an end to them. Certainly for me it helps to talk to others.
I can find the A I live with very very difficult. At the same time I have to say I actually find most human interactions pretty difficult. I find it pretty difficult at times just to relate to myself. I used to be in denial about that but not anymore.
i've been there many times my AH has disappeared for days and i kept finding myself pacing by the windows to see if he pulls in. i've driven past many houses i knew of connections he had. hours of my life wasted, trying to "drag" him home to where he needed to be.
it's easier for me to say this now, but you really have to believe that "i have power to change no one...but myself." i wasn't very good at it myself. i knew i needed to detach and let him do whatever it was he was going to do, because i couldn't stop him. i even told him to go do whatever because he was going to do it anyway.
but words and actions are 2 different things. i never let my HP help me focus on my actions during those dreaded times. i pray that you can. i know w/my AH, he always came back eventually, dragging his tail. take the time that he's gone to focus on yourself. what do YOU want and need? where do you want your life to go? do you NEED him to be there to help you decide? those are just a few things i can think of that i've heard at my meetings that may help you clear your mind.
one last thing, i too keep my anger bottled and then explode. i've come to realize that it's very unhealthy and hurts not just everyone around me, it poisons myself. in talking such an issue over with a fellow al-anon-er, they said to share how i feel. let him know i was angry and why, because i am entitled to have feelings. and me being upset was not going to drive him to run, he can only use it as an excuse. he'll run anyway. so i have to congratulate you on sharing your feelings w/him.
keep talking to people. it really helps to reach out to others!
