The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Dealing with the A, working nights (I currently work shifts) and more have left me incredibly isolated. I think I have to say my codependence also leaves me isolated. I over react, over identify, people please, martyr myself in relationships. I recently read a biography of a child growing up in an alcoholic family The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls. I was left with a huge craving for contacting my younger sister (who is an alcoholic of many years). I took it to therapy that craving to connect with my younger sister. I realise today that is just part of my feelilng the isolation I have created for myself as a way to buffer dealing with the A, poverty and more. I also realise in just dealing with the friends I do have I am often awash in judgments, over reacting, feeling jealous (being a martyr is obessive for me) and more. I have not much idea really how to balance. I put a lot more limits on myself of not just blurting out my stuff (some of my conversations would otherwise be just my codependence speaking much like the alcoholic talks) and I know some of the way I deal with my knowledge of my own codependence right now is to just shut down and cut off. I do set limits with friends but since so many of my relationships have been about my over extending myself I can't say I know much how to relate in a way that feels healthy.
So right now I want to put it out there that I feel alone not the in the kind of shameful way of hiding the A's behavior (I am at a point where his behavior doesn't rule everything) but in terms of not really having people in my life in a healthy way and knowing it. When I was a codependent matryr I never wanted for company but those interactions contributed to my toxicity. These days I find it hard just to re-group after work and rest and plan. I have made no room for what someone here challenged me creating an emotional plan b. In fact I don't know how to start even making friends that are healthy rather than another saga of over reaction, over extending and recrimination.
Hello, Marsie! I was once everything you describe yourself as being and, to a certain extent, I still have some of these traits. I am working on helping myself to change and I am having success. I come from an alcoholic up-bringing and am married to an A. So it isn't hard to see why I have been the way I have in my life, especially people-pleasing. I think we all want people to like as I believe we are social beings. But with me, it came from the fear of being rejected by people. My Mom, in her drinking, would sometimes say things to me about myself that really hurt when I was a kid. I'll never forget the time she told me. " you remind me of your father and I hate him ". And nothing was ever good enough for her. Of course, as a child, I never knew it was alcohol talking and I believed her. Everything I did was wrong. I shied away from people out of fear they wouldn't like me as I wouldn't be good enough. And I as I grew up, I would often do things just to get them to like me as assurance that maybe there was something good about me. I sometimes said and did things just to be liked and accepted.I envied people who seemed to be out-going, secure, well-liked people (but who knows - they may have been people-pleasers, too) and I would pass judgement on others as a defense. Now, as an adult co-dependant in recovery, I have learned much about where and how a lot of my personality comes from. And this is where change begins. Seeing that we have a problem is the first step toward solving it. I needed to find out about myself, learn to like myself so that people-pleasing for the wrong reason and other traits could be filtered out. I found a book at an Al-Anon meeting called "Courage to Change" that has been a huge help as a first step in learning. Perhaps. for now, it may be of help to you to begin there and to ease back a bit with being with your close friends if it makes you uncomfortable, until you start to learn about you. Once you begin to learn about you and why you do the things you do, and begin to take little steps toward change, you will be on your way to serenity. Hope this helps....jaja
Do you go to f2f alanon meetings? For me, they are a great way of addressing my isolation. Safe, supportive, fun - all the things you need right now in relationships. Save the harder relationships for when you feel a little healthier.
I understand isolation and am going through it myself. Once I opened up to my codependence issues such needing to be liked which i found is a need to control I opened a whole can of worms. lol. Then I moved to a remote location and new job which I love but lost my f2f meetins and my friends. closest meeting is 100 miles rt.
I am isolated physically and this adds to the wounds I still have that need to drain to heal. In this isolation I dream of the perfect family - see life through rose colored glasses. I left as it was the healthiest thing I could do. Part of me wants to try again but another part hesitates. I think it is the part that knows the reason I want to connect when the relationship is unhealty is my fear of accepting me as I am. Alone. Enough as I am. Harder to do. lol Before I know if contacting them is the right thing to do I have to accept me as I am and why I am so glad to have alanon in my life.
The new area I live in is full of as and sometimes I think I came here to get (((real))). HP's gift as I asked for healing. It hurts. It is painful. and I am thankful I am here sitting in the muck.
Just wanted to share you are not alone in this healing journey. I am reminded of a dark cave where we all are finding our way in the dark with our lonely candles. Sometimes it is dark, other times we catch sight of dim light further ahead and far behind. Never really alone. We are all there together.
most of us have/are mentally isolated. our relationships have been dysfunctional and we carry the wounds with us. physical isolation is an issue that i haven't seen raised much on this board. i tend to believe that it is a direct reflection of our mental state. sometimes, it is impossible, financially or otherwise, to remove that barricade. then again, sometimes we can do something about it. a fresh start somewhere. plop ourselves into an apartment or house in the midst of a town. we are social creatures and interaction with different persons and personalities really can be beneficial to our growth and progress.
Thank you all for your share. This topic is very important to me, as I am reclusive, but am striving for growth and more social maturity.
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I have alot of the same issues you described about not really having had any healthy friendships or relationships. It is hard to come to that realization all by itself and then how do you change it? I believe it is a slow process. For me, I started to set boundaries in my friendships. I am still doing this, having setbacks it seems daily, but feel like I am learning how to recognize how I am reacting poorly, over extending myself or reverting back to people pleasing, at which point, I try to give myself space to figure out what boundaries I hadn't set. It is hard work and often painful for me. I usually begin by getting angry at my friend or co-worker and then end up turning it back on myself. So far, this has been my process for dealing with setting appropriate boundaries. I am hoping as I work at it, it will get easier and that setting boundaries and holding to them becomes more natural to me. Right now it is pretty foriegn. Someone once told me that when I feel myself reacting or wondering how to respond to someone's requests to ask myself "Is that okay by me?", "Is that something I want to do?" I was amazed at how foriegn that felt. I too am a people-pleaser who fears rejection. I also am quick to isolate myself when I am feeling wounded by my relationships with friends, co-workers and loved ones. As you can see, I am far from figuring it all out, but what gives me hope is working at it. The Codependant books by Melody Beattie have helped me to identify and take action with my own issues of wanting to isolate myself. They may be helpful to you as well. I hope you will keep posting and take care!
