The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last Wed. my son and his new girlfriend came to town to spend a week here with me which was exciting because I have not seen him in 5 months (first time he's ever been away) and it was the first time I'd be meeting her. And that Saturday my oldest daughter and her 6 yr. old daughter came to town for the week-end to be with us. So I planned a family dinner for the week-end with all 4 of my kids ( I have another older son and my college daughter was still home on winter break) and included a few other relatives. It was so nice! I loved having them all here together especially because I don't know when that'll happen again. AND GUESS WHO ELSE SHOWED UP!!!!......you got it - my Ah. He managed to stop the binge he was on but we didn't know whether or not that would happen and weren't counting on it. The night before our son was to arrive here, my A called and I could tell he was drinking (tried to sound like he wasn't). He asked to speak to our daughter who kept grinning at me while she spoke to him. She told me the stupid stuff he was saying. We knew he was drunk and to be honest, I was kinda surprised because I thought he may try to straighten up to see our son. My A is close to our 2 kids and I think that when they left to explore the world this past fall, he really got lost. I am sure he carries a lot of guilt - especially about our son - for all the years of drinking that took place in their young lives. When they left, he did not know what to do. And our son told him a few days before he was to come here that if he was drinking he was not going to let him anywhere near his girlfriend. So to hear him drunk on the phone was just a little disappointing but mostly because I knew my son really wanted to see his dad and have him meet his new girl. However, my A and his stuff was not going to ruin anything for the kids and I. We all were excited to be together and it would be my A's loss ( as drunk as he gets he still knows not to come here to the house in that condition)..................Sooooooo, when the kids and I got back from the airport, I got a call from the A asking to come over and I said Okay because this time he was not drinking. He drove over and OH, MY GOD! He wasn't drinking but did he ever look awful! This was an 11 day non-stop drinking binge he'd been on. He looked terrible! Wearing his camouflage hat (mentally goes back to combat when drinking), his color was gray, his eyes were big (as though surprised) but sunken in at the same time, he'd lost weight and his skin was wrinkled. He is 57 but looked like a very sick, very old man. So pitiful. But my son and he hugged and it was a relief that my A had stopped drinking and showed up. He had dinner with us and you could see the effect of alcohol on him. He had a nervous laugh, was a little shaky, couldn't eat to much, and you could tell he felt bad. He ended up staying on the couch overnight and he spent the following day here sitting in his chair, talking to the kids but never leaving the house. He spent the next night on the couch, too, and all the next day in the house, never showering or anything. That is the immediate after-effect of a binge - fear, guilt, remorse, embarrassment and all that other good stuff keeps him almost immobile. He will stay in the house and avoid seeing anyone but family for days....He spent this past week here while the kids were here (he went to his place once to get his personal stuff and change of clothes) sleeping on the couch and in the spare room. You would've thought he'd never left home, that we are not separated (except that he slept in another room). There were no problems going on at all. He loves family and needed to be here with us in all our excitement, hustle and bustle, warmth and good food. I think it all made him feel even worse about himself. He was often quiet....Two days ago all the kids were gone back to their lives and there was only me and my A here at the house. He stayed here for dinner,thanked me for everything ,and then headed back to his place. Then he came back in the morning under the pre-text of having to look for tools in the basement but I know that he needed to be here where it feels better than an empty motel that is not a home. A motel (actually, it's a very small apartment) where all the demons get to him, where his guilty feelings wreak havoc in him, where the booze still in his blood and brain have his mind and body shaken up. I let him come over and he stayed here while I worked. I wouldn't say I'm sympathetic but I'm not chastising either. He is his own worst enemy by the choice he made. He has no money as he hasn't worked in a while so he's been eating here. He just left a little while ago after we had dinner. It seems like he is trying to find his way back to me. But I am sooooo glad he still stays at his place. He went on a binge and is trying to get over it (may return to AA tomorrow) but it does not cancel out all the other problems we were having. They haven't even been addressed really. It seems as though a drinking binge detracted from everything else and it may have momentarily because he was so screwed up and my daughter and I were scared for him, fearing it would literally kill him this time. But I have not lost my way. I may feel bad for him but I still feel good for me. And I will not let any of this stuff drag me down or off my road to serenity. It actually feels good to be nice to him because I am not being taken off the road. I have been living in the house by myself for months and I LIKE IT now! I am okay with it! If he, in his alcohol-poisoned mind, becomes angry about anything I say or do, so be it. I personally am no worse off because of it. It's all his. I have other things to do. It just feels good to feel good. We'll see what tomorrow brings......jaja
What a wonderful post. Great progress. So nice to see you feeling so good about spending time with your children. Children suffer too. The non-drinking parent at times is resentful and the drinking parent gets off scot free (sometimes).
Anyway, loved that you had a wonderful time with all your children interacting and engaging with each other. As a mom, I adore my children and love to sit back and watch them in action.
Just for today . . . I will live only for this day . . . and you did that.
Way to go, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Wow what a balance of being able to live with what comes up. I am glad that you feel so secure, loved and serene. I am also glad your son had a good visit.
