The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm struggling lately with whether I should have stayed living with my ex(A) or moved back in with him -would that have solved things. Because even though we have been apart a year now almost to the day, we are still arguing over drinking, he is still drinking. It's like the same stuff as when we were together only now we just live in separate houses. I hear a lot of people on this MIP board talk about how they have stayed or are going to stay with their husbands/wives. The sick part of me I guess would only want to be living with him so that I could protect my son and know what the A is doing every day. This would feed into the hope that he might change, even though he is nowhere close to wanting to. I think I would find myself living a double life because I know there would be no intimacy: the constant disappointment and not being able to make plans with him would kill it for me. If I'd have to find something else to do when he drinks I'd never talk to him, or I'd never be home. I'd feel like a live-in supervisor/caretaker/property manager not a wife or girlfriend. Or am I just being stubborn. He says me not wanting to be with him if he drinks is me not budging, it's all-or-nothing. Maybe if I just gave in and lived with him I'd come to love him during the times when he'd choose to be 'present' with me and our son. Maybe I could learn to tune him out when he's drinking, while co-habitating with him. He says that he thinks he wouldn't feel the need to drink if we were together again. I can't believe this, because when we were living together, when I was pregnant and the early months with our son he was really out of control and he admits this. At least now not living together we are not constantly in each other's faces, trying to claim sides of the bed, arguing in front of our son, walking on eggshells... I think the main thing is for him that he'd want me to always be physically intimate with him and up until now I just haven't been able to bring myself to even want to kiss him because I've been so disgusted and hurt by his behaviour. Each of us wants the real deal, for the other to show love and give love but when we are together he's not always present and neither am I because I withdraw because I don't want to get close to him just to get hurt again. I don't know why I'm now going back to wondering what I could have done, because the truth is I don't love him anymore. This week I'm handing it over to a higher power to do what they will with it. I think that's all that's left.
You know that nobody can really answer that question, not you or us. But I will ask a question: What has changed to make you think it might be different this time?
You will see something posted here often: The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results.
I can certainly understand your thoughts. I have had them too. We have been seperated for 4 months now. Same basic issue between us: the drink or the relationship. She is convinced that I am being absurd to think there is nothing in between. For me there is nothing in between.
We have relationship issues that are on both of us to clear up. I am not perfect by a long shot. I am not willing to work on that with her while she is under the influence. I wouldn't trust her to shoot apples off my head that way, and our relationship is just that important to me... or not. No in between.
But that is just me.
We are all behind you, no matter what you decide to do to protect you and your children, and live a happy life.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
For me, I am separated also and have been for a long time now. That back and forth craziness that happens (between both of us) drives me crazy too. I have come to learn that it's everything about the alcohol and absolutely nothing about the alcohol.
It's about the relationship. When I analyze it, I look at what do we have in common? Do we like to do the same things? Do we share the same ideals? Can we each talk candidly about our dreams (and not have the other stomp on them)? Ah, well I can go on and on.
What I had to realize is that I had to let go of 1) the dream of what I wanted it to be and 2) the fact that all of the love in this world that I could give would not change him. Those two illusions sometimes mess with my head.
What I did some time ago that truly helped me through the rough times was make two lists -- one list had the "things I loved about" X, the other list had the "things that I disliked about" X and I often used those two lists. When I was feeling like I was confused especially where he's caring now, I would read the disliked list to remind me. When I was feeling angry and resentful about his usual behaviors, I would read the things that I loved. It helped me keep balanced and somewhat rational. Oh yeah, and I also keep coming
Hope this helps, yours in recovery, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Well I live with the A and stopping arguing has been a huge issue for me. I just dont argue anymore. I may bring up certain issues but I don't argue about them. I was in a terrible place of arguing, remonstrating, screaming, pleading and more. I ended up totally exhausted, ill and a wreck. I had my last huge over reaction saga in November. A friend of mine who was "available" to me really helped with that one. December was another long over reaction my friend helped with that too. My phone bill was off the charts with my talks.
Then I started to really focus on myself. I think the relationship I've had with my friend is much like a sponsor, he makes suggestions. I do not necessarily agree with them. He's a former alcoholic (he didn't do AA though). I find great great solace in being totally honest with one person. I may never get there with the A but that no longer consumes me in ways it once did.
Relating to an A can be an all consuming process. For me there was a bottom I got to a place of total emotional shutdown and realised I was making msyelf sick. I have been here a year now. I have to say its been a year of much the same behavior on my part, blame, shame, crying, martyrdom and more. I'd also have to say it has also been a place of letting go. I stopped trying to make the A change. I changed. I can't say it happened overnight, I can't say its happened in the way I wanted it too. I can also say its been one of the hardest things I have had to do (and I speak as someone who is a therapy veteran - years of it I've had).
I can make it all "him" in a heartbeat. I can also work on me. Right now I make it me. There are days when I'll openly acknowledge its very very very hard to deal with him. I also know its been a growth experience for me to learn tools for al anon and work on me. I doubt I would do it if dealing with the A had not brought me to my knees on so many levels.
Well, here's my story - I stayed. We went through a very very bad patch about three years before he sobered up. Through a combination of luck, God's blessings, and hard work on both our parts, things got to the point where I could still live with him, even though he was still drinking and drugging hard (I've told this story before, don't really want to get into it here. Using the tools was a big part of it). So, we managed to live more or less kinda happily while he was cruising towards his bottom. Then he sobered up, we hit some snags there but got through them, with the help of our programs. Now we are both moving more or less in the right direction, getting healthier in fits and starts - happy ending, right? Well, except for the very real and almost visible scars on our children. A son with a driving need to be perfect, pushing and pushing himself while never really saying anything about how he feels. A daughter whose idea of male love is an image of her dad - charming unreliability. Don't get me wrong, we have also shown them some valuable lessons - healing is possible, it is possible to make better choices, to learn from your mistakes, to laove a person who is not perfect, to love yourself. But I can't kid myself that my choices in the past didn't harm them, because they did. So, I would say, think about the kind of home you want your son to grow up in, and strive for that reality, rather than a dream or vision of it.
