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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ex (A) emailed me to say he's sorry, that it hurts him like hell that I don't want to be with him anymore and that he had lots he still wanted to say and he hopes to hear from me.
Well curiosity got the better of me and I ended up calling him tonight, and woah what a mistake that was. I was the one that told him we could never be together again because I couldn't handle the drinking, it was costing me too much emotionally. I guess I was hoping for some sort of resolution, some closure, a 'sorry it didn't work' out and shaking of hands. But tonight he ended up picking me apart and breaking me down and I bought into it and I feel the absolute pits. It's nearly 3am now here.
He said he acknowledges and feels bad about how his behaviour when he was drinking has hurt me. But then went on to say that even so, he thinks he can fix himself and that he thinks one or two is still okay. I could feel my breath becoming short and my blood boiling, I wanted to scream. He then said he doesn't think it's a drinking problem but a relationship problem. So I said 'logically that means then if I'm out of the picture your problems will go away? Things will get better for you?' He wouldn't answer that. I said 'but you told me you had stopped drinking because you didn't want to anymore'. He said 'I meant that I wanted to stop drinking for the 3 of us, so we could be a family, and I felt like the last week or so like we'd never get it together and it was ending so I thought f*** it, why not drink'. He said 'when I was with you I didn't feel the need to drink, but I can't do it when I'm alone'.
Then I kind of lost it, started getting resentful that he tried to get me to trust him, that he came and spent time here at my place knowing how hard it was for me and then tonight proceeded to pick that time apart, saying it was really just crappy. It hurt. It hurt BAD. I couldn't believe I got through the week so well just to let it all disintegrate into an all out war on the phone with him. About stuff like him saying that eventually he'd like 50/50 custody and at that point I was so worked up and mad I said 'good luck'. And I felt really frightened that I started something now. He got a good 2 or 3 HOURS of my attention. Then I couldn't let it go, I felt like I couldn't breathe. The more worked up I got the more insults he'd pull out. I lost total sight of where I had got to. In the end we talked til about 2am and it ended with him most likely falling asleep with me wanting him to proverbially put up his dukes and come and fight me if he wanted to talk like that.
Oh the humanity. If I had just not called and said to myself 'it doesn't matter now, appreciate what you have, don't make it worse.' I've been so happy this week. I knew talking to him would make me feel crap. Now he got the chance to break me down he kind of has an upper hand or will think that he does. Now I have to start ALL over again. ARRG!
I kept fuelling myself by thinking 'he's going to now think the problem is me just being a b**ch, not that I'm hurt as a result of what's come about from drinking.'
I could have walked away with my dignity, what's the matter with me!
I have had many many instances almost word for word that way with my AW. I will tell you a secret, it's never too late to walk away with dignity.
Just yesterday, my wife was dropping off our Son from school and theoretically going to an outpatient rehab session. She hadn't said anything after going to a couple of those so.... being the nosey fixer of the family I asked "how is it going with that?"
I could have just said, thanks for dropping him off, talk to you later.... I love you.
Instead I got the "I talked to a lawyer and you can't just take our son without filing some court papers it would be kidnapping." <sigh> A few more totally non relavant things blurted out just to piss me off and she squealed the tires out of the driveway.
So.... what was HP trying to tell me with that situation? Mind my own business? Discussing anything of importance with someone who is buried in the disease is a waste of breath? How about, the disease acting throught them causes things to be said that are designed to hurt so we can share the pain.
I look at it this way... I am learning a new way to live. The old way left me broken and desperate. It will take some time. If I do something that causes me pain (like starting a conversation I don't want to have) I just need to learn from that. Learn not to start it, or even better, give them the respect to ask any valid question I have, and if things are weird... figure out a graceful and dignified way to bail out without absorbing all that acid and distress.
That is just my humble opinion. Keep posting and know we are here for you!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Thank you, rtexas. Thank you for understanding. This is the only place where I'd feel comfortable talking about this, where I can be totally honest, honest with myself. It's 4am here, I should go to bed. I don't know what I was hoping to achieve tonight talking to my ex (A). I suppose by not talking to him I didn't know what he really thought. Because it doesn't matter now what he thinks. I'll know better now. I hope!
Perhaps you could also look at what has happened as confirmation that you were on the right track and need to continue, you just went off-road for a few hours. :) Don't beat yourself up about it, don't take on the blame he is dishing out. That was just manipulation on his part.
*What others think of me is none of my business* I love that slogan. It not only works for the A in our lives but for other annoying people as well. We know these people are sick, so why let what they think/say even remotely take up space in our heads?
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I wonder if this is what it is like for them when they relapse. Everything was going so good, I felt happy for once, no more waking with a knot in my stomach. But oh no, I just had to go there again. Woke up this morning and the knot was there again, squeeze, squeeze. Ugggh. And it's nearly 12 in the afternoon and Im in bed with my laptop, here and have not eaten, haven't mustered energy to put clothes on or brush my teeth. I think I will go to a f2f meeting today. I just need to be around people and I think I will just listen. I called my A this morning when I woke up to tell him that it genuinely hurt me last night, and I'm finding it difficult to get going this morning. There was just silence, and then: 'what? sorry, what did you say I didn't hear you [son] was screaming, he's hungry and I'm trying to wrap a birthday present for [nephew] What do you want I have to go -don't ruin today for me. And hangs up'. Great. All I could think of was all the times I didn't want to listen to him but always did anyway and gave him a chance. If only I had such a thick skin that I couldn't always take on what he says. Thoughts of him going to this birthday party today all stressed out and then drinking and getting into the car and driving home with our little son. Prob worst case scenario. I need to stop thinking about him. Well I better get up and get stepping. Thank you for all the supportive replies I've had, they are very reassuring and comforting.
I've been there with this so many times with the A. I've had conversations that went on for years with remonstrations, resentments, compromises, abandonments and more.
I know it is very very difficult to stop. I've stopped doing this for the large part but doesn't mean I don't want to say, initiate and more. I have to monitor myself all the time. I also have to notice who/what/when/where certain situations get to me. Do you have things you can do to learn to recover. There is a book out right now called Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. I found it pretty interesting to read that one of the traits of emotional intelligence is how we can soothe ourselves and learn how to get back to a place of calm. For me soothing used to mean over eating, resentment collectors (I was a collector) and more. I've had to learn other ways to re-balance myself.
One other thing I have had to learn is that I did the best I could. I may go back sometimes to behavior that does not serve me but most of the time I am really doing the best I can. Life on life's terms is pretty hard stuff. I try not to add to my own burden.
