The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since I attended my first Al-Anon meeting this week, a whole host of feelings have emerged within me...a lot of good, but some bad. The most prevelant feeling I have been getting is "Is My H Really An Alcoholic?" I know that when he was living at home with us he was, but he has been gone since last March so I am wondering if he has given up drinking because I WAS THE REASON HE DRANK! And I am afraid that now that he has his "new life" he is happy and "Living the dream" so to speak, and the kids and I were just a jail for him. It is so heartbreaking to me how he could leave the kids and I, and I hate to think that he was so unhappy with his family that he was willing to give us up.
I wonder if because he is away from me now, he no longer has to drink? Don't get me wrong, it would be GREAT if he stopped drinking, but today this is what I am thinking. I know it is just psycho for me to feel this way, but it is in my head. Gosh, anyone else go through this? It is really disturbing to me
I would suggest you go back and read your very first post. With all you share with us there I would say that you have been affected by the disease of alcoholism and that the lifestyle your husband has chosen to live reflects this disease very well. My ah also after a 21 year marriage left to be with a bar gal who would party with him. You can do many things in this program that will help you move forward and become stregthened in your serenity and belief that you have the ability to live a wonderful life regardless of his decisions and desires. What you do for yourself today will empower you to handle so many aspects of your life that otherwise would seem hopeless.
It is so common for us to take all the blame for thier part of the disease. That is why the very first step is "We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol..." (and the alcoholic). Don't feel like the lone ranger, I felt that way for a long time. I still slip into it every once and awhile.
I have to keep remembering, the act of drinking is only one symptom of this disease. I can spend 2 days with my wife. Drink or not drink, day 1 could be perfect... like she has never had an issue. Day 2 would be full of resentment, anger, rage and violence.
I didn't make day 1 perfect, so I can't take all the blame for day 2. This happens around me on a daily basis.
My wife has been full of resentment, and very openly hostile with me for the past few months and yesterday as she dropped off our son for the evening... she was chatting like she was talking to an old friend. Was she unhappy before she left... oh yes.
I am grateful we had a nice 5 minute conversation and no drama when she left, but I can't take all the credit or shoulder any blame for her moods. She is working through her own feelings and I have to let her.
There is a popular takeoff of the Serenity Prayer. It is kinda the Co-dependant version. I like it alot.
- God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change, the courage to change the people I can, and the wisdom to know that person is me.
Take care of you, the rest will work itself out.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I doubt if your fears are true, it is more likely just the self doubt and low self esteem that so many of us have. However, even if they are true, isn't it better that the situation changed, then? If you really are capable of driving someone to drink, even more reason to do some work on yourself. :)
It really dosent matter wether he was an or is an Alcoholc what matters is how it affected you when he did drink . And no your not the reason he drank ,your just not that powerful that u can make a man drink or stop. Your not the first to go thru this doubt , and of course he is a little happier now he has no responsibilities , no kids to look after and no wife to please he can fool himself for along time. disease can convince them of anything . I agree go back and read your earlier posts sometimes we have to refresh our memories of the way it really was . I know we are encouraged to let the past go , but in some cases i believe we have to remember why we ended up where we did . good luck keep your meetings up and look after you and your kids. Louise
Wow I can do that so easily. My exhusband of so many years ago is now a social worker. He went and did a substance abuse training program and now has a license as a social worker. I follow some of the details of his life carefully. A 4th step really freed me up from feeling over responsible for so much stuff in our short lived marriage.
A's are phenomenal at camaflaging. The A I live with can project so well. He can project an easy going, loving, kind, sensitive man. He is some of that but underneath that is a seething addict. I have to remind myself of that all the time whenever I am dealing with anyone who has an addiction (whatever it is !).
4th steps have helped me a lot in learning what my part is in a relationship. I am neither totally responsible or totally unresponsible. I can acknowledge my part, no more no less.
