The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I'm still doing pretty good. Haven't talked to the A since I dropped him off Saturday night at his sponsor's house (where he currently resides). I have thought about calling but then thought why bother. Of course when I do call he'll say it's only because I want my child support it's always about the money he thinks. Maybe it's getting to that point. It still give me that twisty knife in the gut feeling to imagine him with someone else. BUT I think think about that and analyze why and how do I really feel? I guess it comes down to
Do I love him or just the idea of him (my fantasy not reality) and/or what he can do for me? Do I want to be with him or just not to be alone?
Well the A I live with can be gracious,kind, sweet, loving and somewhat cooperative. He can also be hell to live with. I sometimes just want part (a). I do not want to acknowledge most of the time what part b costs me. I can also really buy into the a's assertions that my charactor defects are really what the core problems are in our relationship (which is why I have to keep the focus on me so strongly). I have to be so so careful with the word "love". For me love means losing myself, self sacrifice, trying till I am dead in a relationship, putting up with everything, over giving, over commiting, martyrdom and generally losing myself. For me these days the word "love" begins with me. Self care for me is a huge issue and I feel like until I can get "self care" down I don't have much room for getting into what "love" for another might mean.
