The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my husband (the a) and I have been married close to ten years and we have two small children. He has been an a for as long as I've known him. I finally have had enough of watching him slowly destroy himself and his family. My children are finally old enough to undersand his behavior and now I am the one feeling guilty for staying all of these years. When I say I've had enough, I have totally detached myself from getting close to him. After all, whenever I did, he would break my heart. I am so scared to leave and I don't know why. I am afraid to be alone even though I am intelliient enough to know that I have been alone all of these years. I am waiting for someone to take care of this for me-someone to make all the bad just simply go away. Isn't that crazy? I am smart, young, successful and yet feel afraid to be away from this piece of unemployed garbage. Is is possible to still love the a and have these terrible resentful feelings? Help! Need some direction. Any suggestions, advice is appreciated.
Hey, Mandy, I am in a similar situation as well....I don't have any real pearls of wisdom as I am just newly on the path myself, but I did want to say you are not alone. I am searching too.
I can completely relate to everything that you have shared, except that on top of all of that, my a is currently in jail. I stumbled upon alanon when someone recommended I read a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I would have never described myself as codependent, but I bought the book, feeling desperate, and learned a great deal about myself and my situation. That lead me to alanon. I found this site when I was desperate to go to a meeting. Senior members shared their experiences and invaluable advice with me. Complete strangers took time to help me, support me, and guide me. It has been a G-dsend for me. I feel strongly that I am in the right place to get the support I need. If childcare is a problem for you, like me, try to on-line meetings. I have been to three now and plan to get to a face to face meeting this week as well. I hope you find reading the posts and the advice in this website as helpful as I have. Be good to yourself. You deserve it. Take care.
I am so glad we are all here for a support group for one another.
When I drive and follow directions, and the directions tell me "turn left then go 3 miles and turn left on Willow". I make that left turn, and for some reason, I don't see Willow street...I keep driving....5 miles, 10 miles, 15 miles.......rather than turning back....because I know that there has got to be a Willow street up here! It wasn't back there! I will go a long way in my denial....a long way, before I say hey, turn around and if you don't find it...then ask for help.
I don't drive like this today. I try not to drive in my "life" like this either anymore. I stayed many times, because I just knew it would get better. I just knew he would get sober. Then, one day I realized, things have become progressively worse. The person that had to call uncle, was me.
I learned real quick how to detach. Not too long after that, I learned how to detach with love. I learned that I didn't have to accept unacceptable behavior. I learned I wasn't the cause, the controller, or the one who would cure his drinking. I learned nothing was any of my business past the end of my nose......and I learned how to live comfortable and serene in the disease and out of the disease. I still am learning everday.
I attend a lot of open AA meetings. I gain a lot of compassion for the A, and I also get hope there as well. Things may seem hopeless with the A's in my life...but not always when I go to those meetings.
In Alanon, I have learned how to live life for me. Not in the selfish sense either. I learned I wasn't any help to anyone until I got healthy......for God's sake....do you know how many miles I drove????? I could have been to China and back a few times over on the "Denial Express".
This program has taught me, that little by little, it does get easier. There is no situation too hopeless...and I am worth every bit the program has to offer and more. We all are.
I so glad all of you are here. I hope that we all keep coming back.
why, yes, yes it is. and just about all of us here have been there, done that. we are caring, and responsible, and take all of what our A has to offer us == as our own. the first STEP in Al-anon is: we are powerless over alcohol, and our lives have become unmanagable.... indeed. with my wife, i became husband, caretaker, counselor,housekeeper, mother, father, babysitter, etc etc... and full time (military) worker, to boot. I SUUUUURRRRENNNDER. I came to al-anon a broken, no self-esteem, forgot all my own life goals, miserable, (anxious, irritable, and discontent) individual.
now, i take things one day at a time. i take care of me, and let HP (higher power... God, if you like) take care of my A wife. she needs to walk her own path, and that path will not have me ENABLING her to destroy my life. i came to realize that MY needs aren't being met. you can't change people... but you can FOR SURE change yourself. my wife's version/interpretation of love will NEVER meet my needs. so why do i stay?? it's like going to the hardware store to buy milk and eggs. don't make a bit of sense.
what i can give you is a promise. you keep coming back here, go find a local Al-anon group, and read literature on alcoholism and codependence, and your MIRACLE will happen.... and they will keep happening. Serenity and Sanity - my A can take every asset, lie and manipulate from dusk til dawn, blame me for HER life, HER (non)work, HER depression, HER bad behaviour - but she can never, again, take my serenity. for i work the steps, i surrender the insanity, i change.
God, Grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, COURAGE to CHANGE the things I can, WISDOM to know the DIFFERENCE.
AMEN.
keep coming back (((((MANDY))))) <----those are hugs with love cj, grateful member of al-anon
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Hi Mandy, I understand how you are feeling. It is not a nice feeling to have. I have a family full of A's. I go day by day, sometimes minute by minute.
You will know when it is time for you to do what you have to do. If in doubt they always say to do nothing.
Work the program as it is being shown to you. Do you have any of the Alanon books or literature? It is invaluable, especially the daily readers. If I am having a tough day I go to them and look up the topic I am dealing with.
Don't feel guilty for staying, it useless to feel that way now. There is a reason you are still where you are. Turn it all over to your HP and wait until he answers you.
I went around and around like that for a long time with my ex (A) and father of my son. I kept having this fear that the moment I would decide to leave would be the moment he'd change and I'd miss out on the good side of him or be doing my son a dis-service. But I stayed until I could absolutely take it no more. It happened slowly at first. I stayed for a week in a motel, with our son who was only 8 months at the time. I rented the first apartment I could find. Still we went back home to him. Then he started hiding alcohol and got drunk one day while we were out. He found out about the apartment and we got into an arguement and he was telling me to f-off. I went outside to call his mother and I came back inside he was goading me about calling her, saying she won't care. I was so mad I went to splash the drink he was holding in his hand on him, he let go and the glass smashed all over the kitchen floor. He called the police, they came, said it was just a smased glass, saw he was drunk and so said the baby could go to the apartment with me. We never went back. He still hasn't changed. The first few months starting over alone were very hard, but very worth it. We don't depend on him for anything anymore. I still missed him, I didn't like being alone, I felt an (irrational) stigma of being a single mother.. We'd talk on the phone everynight, a lot of nights still arguing about alcohol because I wouldn't give it up thinking that if he stopped drinking we could go back to being a family. Finally a counsellor said to me, just keep doing it then (calling him used to always upset me, but I couldn't stop) until you can't take it anymore, only once you reach that pain thresh-hold will you be willing to change. I guess it's the same as asking someone to stop drinking. Despite how much I was hurting myself I wouldn't stop. So he kept doing the same old thing and driving me crazy until that story started to get very tired and I felt absolutely broken down. It was beyond a joke anymore. Now, a year later I can honestly say I feel nothing for him anymore, I don't wake up with a knot in my stomach, I don't get pangs of 'what ifs', 'what's he doing' 'what will he do when he's not with me that I never got'. I just live and enjoy my son. I feel free and I can enjoy a beautiful day, and we can do what ever we like in our own home here and not worry about what's coming next from the A. I was once afraid to be alone, but only because I didn't know what would happen. But thinking back on it now, the only certainty was that whatever I was doing then wasn't working for me, it was also certain that he was never going to change. I had to keep testing that for while, I'd go back to him thinking maybe *this* time he'd be different. Nope, he's still the same. When I think about fear, it's fear of the unknown, but to rationalise it I think what is the *worst* that could happen? I'd move on and have a happy life? My son would not have to witness arguing and bad behaviour? I'd be alone for the rest of my living days? And if so, why am I going to let *him* decide that for me?
Hi Mandy: I'm just joining the group today and yours was the first posting I read. It's kind of freaky because I feel like you just described my life totally. I'm 41, successful, mother of 3 (two boys and a girl), and I'm in the same place. My husband, although employed (functional alcoholic), consistently gets drunk every night after he gets home from work and I've been dealing with it for over 10 years...but these last two years have been more than I can take. I too, have totally disengaged from the marriage. I feel like it's all I can do to keep my sanity...live with him as if I'm a shadow and don't allow myself to get affectionate or risk being hurt again. But now he thinks I'm the one that's hurting the marriage because I don't "touch" him. I've been trying to get the nerve to leave for years, but I have no family here to help me and it scares me. Unfortunately, my husband's entire family lives within a 20 mile radius. What luck. I feel trapped. And the thing is, his family doesn't even know how verbally abusive and violent he's been for so many years. He's slick and keeps it all hidden because he knows me. I don't tell because he knows he can just deny it and then turn it against me by telling everyone I'm a sellout. I know what you're feeling. I'm lonely and scared just like you. I have some degree of social phobia, so it's hard to push myself to go to al-anon meetings face to face. I'm so fortunate to be able to talk to people in the same situation.
