The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This week has been a challenging week. Still no work for my AH. I have been working short hours at work so that I can be available for the kids because I could not put them in daycare this week either. I did this so that my AH could work. He has now had to resort to day labor; which to say the least is the not the best environment for an A, but its come to the crunch time. This morning he was supposed to go, but he over slept and just didn't go. I truly think he's just not motivated to push himself to do something he hates. I can't say that I blame him. I was very irritated with him because I started feeling fearful about having no money next week, going through how will I pay this bill and that bill in my mind. I added insult to injury by getting sarcastic. Not the best approach. So the morning was a wash, and of course I basically assuaged the guilt he was already having. I had to stop and think about what he must be going through. Its alot of pressure struggling financially but then struggling with addiction on top of that. I find this week he is finding every excuse to just not be home. I realized this morning that its beyond my control, what he chooses to do with work. My job is thankfully intact and I am keeping the money coming in as best as I can, but beyond that its not in my control. We had a slip this morning, but had not had a slip like that in almost two weeks. My AH has an individual session with our counselor tomorrow, maybe he will find the courage to talk about what's going on with him.
One thing I am noticing is that my AH has a great deal of guilt and shame about so much. Things that have nothing to do with me and the kids. I feel like I'm a reminder to him of what he thinks he should be doing but not doing. (If that makes sense) When we fight he can only remember the fights not the good times, he places more guilt on himself and it comes out in such a way that he actually believes that I'm saying all this garbage to his face, but I'm not. What I'm thinking is that if I need to express something say it plain and clear and that's it, or don't say it all. Not sure what the best approach is, but I'm actually starting to feel guilty for expressing my feelings.
Hope everyone is well and having a good night. Catch everyone again in the AM
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Money can't buy happiness, but struggling without is never pleasant. Before we seperated, the money just seemed to evaporate. It didn't matter how much we had... it just vanished. I paid all the bills and many times money would disapear out from under the checks I just wrote. Man, that drove me crazy.
Someone wrote me about guilt and said that an A will project any negative feelings they are presently feeling to infinity forwards and backwards. It's like every good thing they have ever felt just never happened.
Weather you express your feelings or not can't change how he feels about it. I am working very hard to learn to express what I feel without feeling wrong about it if she gets offended or upset. They are my feelings, not hers. As long as I am not trying to make her feel guilty, how can expressing my opinion or my feelings be wrong?
I hope your hubbys work picks up, cause that would be a confidence builder. My A is like anyone else. Getting busy means getting better. The summers when she is off from work is very hard for her.
I think you are doing great with your program. Change is uncomfortable for us and them and awkward (for me anyway). Some days I do better than others. But overall it is better, I can tell.
Take good care of you... you deserve it!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
sounds like it has really been a tough week - hope things are better soon.
as far as not expressing our emotions - do you remember not saying things because you hoped it would stop them from drinking? do you remember taking on all the problems & stress of the home so that they wouldn't be so stressed out then they wouldn't have to drink or use? do you remember avoiding fights because you thought it might cause them to relapse?
I do. I did all these things - kept all my feelings inside & I was miserable. And the A's in my life still kept doing what they wanted to do.
If he has guilt feelings, he has to learn to work those out with his HP - just as you can't fix his alcoholism, you can't fix his guilt. Neither can he fix yours. As I understand it, it is a matter to be resolved between a person, their inner self & a God of their understanding.
We are fixers - we want to help our loved ones - but some things each person has to work out by themselves. Discounting or muffling your feelings won't help him & may only make you more resentful.
Just how I understand it today - wishing you peace my friend, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
(((twinmom))) sending prayer for your AH to find more stable work and that your Higher Power / God guide and give you more of that "inner" strength~ ~ your doing great! I ~~~~ Keep Lookin' UP Keep Moving Forward One Day at a Time.
I can always use the wonderful tools of Alanon...because I'm Worth IT! WORK IT WORK IT WORK IT.
The A I live with has not been working much. He has some money but not that much. He is out looking for work. As he's the alcoholic he's great at first impressions and generally gets the job. I no longer obsess about it so much. Where ever he is he has issues. He has issues when he works on his own, he has issues when he has a job. I can get totally bound up in fear and worry and guilt over it. I have very very little control over that. I also have a whole heap of resentments if I am honest. Last night I was wondering what would it be like to live with someone who really "provided". I know I don't necessarily look for that when I think about a mate. I also know I'm in no shape at the moment recovery wise to look for one.
I can get really tired of being the one carrying most of the financial burden. I know I've also been in places where I didn't provide and the A resented me deeply and acted out around it. I try to hold my own these days and plan (for me its a plan b) but I also know that being codependent as I am I don't really think I have much clarity about what it would mean to be a partner. I don't say that as an "excuse" for the I say it as my reality. I want to work towards it but right now I'm either the victim, martyr or the resentment catcher.
"inner" 
~ your doing great!
Keep Moving Forward One Day at a Time. 
WORK IT