The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well as I heard a few times when first coming to this program, you will need this work probably more when your A gets sober. It is becoming more and more true. I was just so glad to have him "back" in this world that I was pretty much just staying put, sticking with him like glue, like we used to. It has been hard to do anything else here in Denver with the snow piling up every week!
Anyway, it has been 90 days for him of sobriety, and he is not working any sort of 12 step program, but does go to an alcohol "class" that seems a little bogus to me, vitamin supplements, etc. - some "counseling" his attorney referred him to probably to look good for court.
I have been driving him everywhere, to work (which isn't bad because he is really close to my job) since he lost his license. BUT, I am beginning to feel miserable again. He is beginning to be nitpicky with me, about my driving, about everything I do. I get irritated and finally tell him that he needs to quit harping on me about everything, that it seems like I do everything wrong! I pray and ask my HP to let things roll off my back, but to be able to set boundaries, also. I am sensing that this is time for me to pull back, to get away from him, get out more, do my own thing. I was doing that and feeling pretty self-confident and happy with my life while he was drinking. Now I feel like I am pretty low, my self-esteem is low. He always apologizes to me but does it again and again (criticizes). Come on, I think I am a pretty good woman! Maybe I give too much!
Anyway, just a note that it doesn't necessarily get easier when they get sober. After almost a year last year of A being unreliable, unresponsive, not working, pretty much not doing anything to help himself or me, I have been just happier than ever to have him back at home. I can see now that I still need to work on me. I need to do my artwork, call my friends, get out of the house. I want to pick up the guitar again. It makes me happy, and I will do things that make me happy.
It is really amazing to become sensitive enough to your own feelings that you KNOW when you are starting to slide back, and feel miserable! Thanks for all the help in the past and love and wisdom....
Heidi, I could have written that exact post....sober days are harder it seems here too...when he was drinking, the guilt sure made him sweeter the morning/afternoon/evening after. There is little sweetness and soooo much criticism. I cry way too much and am stung by his words. I am trying to let go and focus on me....and i actually am - reaching out to friends, keeping the place clean, keeping things calm for the kids....but it doesn't seem to take me very far.
So all I can say is I understand. Hang in there. You are not alone. You sound like you know what you need and will make it happen for you. I wish you strength and laughter along the way.
I read your post earlier and didn't have a chance to reply. But I have really been thinking about it. It really triggered something in me.
"I was pretty much just staying put, sticking with him like glue, like we used to"
My wife and I seperated once before about 5 years ago. She was really drinking and going out with friends and she had an affair. We seperated... the affair ended, and I was really concearned about her drinking.
With the affair over, we reconciled. We had a good year or year and a half together. She was still drinking, but we were inseperable and having fun. (just like we used to do) And just like before, things slowly got worse and worse. (What's that definition of insanity again?)
I was so glad to read that you are going to go back to doing things for yourself. I really sensed over time that my wife lost a lot of respect for me with all the hanging on her every word. If you asked her, that's what she wanted. But it never really worked out that way. She wanted to be treated like a princess, but couldn't respect the peasant.
I am a little tired, and I hope that makes sense.... LOL
I wish the best for you, and I hope you get that guitar all tuned up. Maybe you can hook up with Christy's bunch and have a jam session.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
How easy we get sucked in. We're vulnerable in our recovery. We want to do what we can to make it all okay again....and so we ignore the criticisms that seem to get more and more...we want to keep the peace....and sometimes endure the criticism. It seems easier maybe. But it still hurts.
I can identify with so much in your post. I am now learning that I do not have to endure bad treatment, criticisms and judgments. I have to protect myself, put myself first.
In my case he seemed to think that "sorry" was an amazing magic word that erased all the pain and hurt he had caused me. He used it so often, it meant nothing really though. I don't think he could understand how to be truly sorry. I learned that I was expecting too much of him, more than he knew how to give.
These are just my thoughts Heidi and may be a bit jumbled....a bit like my life at the moment!
In your case he's not drinking and I'm glad of that for you. I hope that he will find a recovery programme and a way forward.
Way to go girl! You're doing great. It's amazing to see the transformation in you. I am very proud of you. Remember the first year of sobriety is tough for them. Hopefully, little by little things sink in with their recovery. The same is true for our recovery. When the moodiness hits him, say a prayer and be greatful he's sober. His moods will pass.
Keep up the great work. Don't loose yourself in his recovery. Have fun with your friends. Be true to yourself and you'll be just fine.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Heidi, I can relate to everything you said. I remember thinking so much about "him". His problems, his recovery, his lonliness, his insecurities, his struggles...
I never thought about me. It somehow felt wrong, or selfish. And then one day while talking to my counselor..., she said to me..."Ya know, you're really not giving him enough credit. His recovery...or not...is his. Let him own it. What makes you think he needs you so much? You need YOU. Learn to be selfish...and then call it self-love."
Let me give you some perspective from the other side. My AH is the one who "sticks like glue" to me and quite honestly it drives me nuts! For a long time we spent all of our time together to the point of isolating ourselves from others. When his drinking progressed to the point of him being asleep for most of life, I began to develop hobbies and friends that filled my life. Even though I love him and want a strong, deep relationship, I have found that it is human nature to desire the friendship of a community of people. It is healthy to have some diversity in ones life. In my house, we were becoming a couple of raisins in the sun...withering. My AH is just beginning to branch out by getting a sponsor and creating a relationship with him that does not include me and I couldn't be happier!
Perhaps you both just need some space, sometimes you can have too much of a good thing. God Bless!
(((Heidi))) Couple of thoughts on your post. My sponsor once said to me that A) Sobriety does not equal recovery & B) Recovery is no bed of roses. When my husband got sober I had a choice to make for me. I decided that regardless of what he was doing in his program I would continue to work my program as vigorously as if he were drinking. It was the "as if" part that reminds me that at any point his recovery could be gone. By continuing to live my life as I had been in his drinking days I am a happier person and he sees it. We are able to communicate when things bother each other without yelling & screaming at each other. I can tell him when something bothers me. It is up to him to listen. It is also up to me not to accept the behavior any longer as well.
Recovery has it's ups & downs for both in the relationship. The journey will bring you to many crossroads. Ask HP to guide you down the right path and you cant go wrong. Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
My husband has been sober for 6 years. I thank God for his sobriety. He does not have program. It was recently brought to my attention he might like to go to alanon with me. He says he doesn't like aa because the only time he thinks about drinking is there because that is all they talk about. I don't know how many meetings he went to and/or if he got any of the program or what. It's none of my business. My business is knowing and working my program.
However, I have to admit I've been quite dissillusioned lately in my marriage. When he was newly sober, we were in a honeymoon stage. And now there are times when I feel just as lonely as I did when he was drinking. We are wrapped up in our jobs and kids and really need some couple time.
Sometimes it feels like I'm living with an old man. He doesn't seem to want to do anything fun. I do have to give him credit though. Lately he has been asking me if I want to go to the movies. There is more to life than bills, money, and laundry.
I know he hasn't been feeling good. He has gained weight. He just missed an appointment for a physical and he hasn't been seen by the doctor in 3 years. Intimacy has been missing for quite some time now. As it was when he was drinking.
I am learning I have so much more to learn. I am learning alcoholism is the gift that keeps on giving. There is no cure. We've lived in a sober household 6 years now yet the effects are still with us.
You're doing great. It's amazing to see the transformation in you. I am very proud of you. Remember the first year of sobriety is tough for them. Hopefully, little by little things sink in with their recovery. The same is true for our recovery. When the moodiness hits him, say a prayer and be greatful he's sober. 
His moods will pass.