The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I thought I had mastered detachment because I was doing so well emotionally. Well I guess I had detached emotionally, but I was still taking care of (controlling) everything. I took care of all the bills and the cleaning and shopping and care of our child. I was letting him doing his thing and not getting upset, but he still didn't have any real accountability. A few month ago I thought I was taking a big step by telling him that I wasn't going to do his laundry anymore. I have held to that, but he hasn't done his laundry either! He will wash one pair of pants and 2-3 shirts, couple of pairs of undies, at a time (his basket is overflowing) about once a month, and wear them until they are filthy!
Well, he recently left a deadline until the last minute and I didn't step in to help. He had to write an article about someone he interviewed over a month ago. The person he interviewed asked to see the article over 2 weeks ago. Well, he was freaking out; the computer had a poltergiest, life isn't fair, blah blah blah. My daughter and I just went about our business.
I also told him about 10 days ago that after 10 years of paying the bills and balancing the checkbook that it was his turn. I sat him down and showed him when everything is due, how it is paid, how to use online banking to balance everything every couple of days. I told him that I do it every couple of days so that I never get behind. Well, this morning he called me practically in tears because he hasn't done it in 8 days. He hadn't recorded any checks over the past 5 days, he doesnt know what he is doing blah blah blah. I said, noone taught me how to do this, I figured it out on my own. You have the directions all written out for you. Take it one step at a time, think about each step and what you are trying to accomplish, and figure it out. Well of course he has called about 12 million times asking the dumbest questions.
I talked to his sponsor the other day and he told me not to baby him, that this is the process of life that he needs to learn to cope. IT SUCKS! Not because I feel I am doing something wrong. I want him to learn this stuff, I don't want to do it anymore. But he is so mad that the whole house is uncomfortable. Let Go and Let God. Dear God please take this burden from me. Thanks for being here.
I feel your pain. I know it is so tough to let go, especially when it is something like bills - that you know need to get paid, and they are so in their disease (even when sober for a while) that they seem just pathetic. The truth is, as a recovering alcoholic/drug user myself, it takes a while to "relearn" life (if you ever learned it at all in the first place!), and yes, your husband's sponsor is right, we shouldn't baby them. By letting him try these things (and it sounds like the tasks are the basics of taking care of oneself and one's life) you are ultimately letting him grow up and be responsible for himself, and to be a better person in the long run. It is so tough but we need to do it. Your situation is a bit like mine. I think you are strong for letting go, posting about it, and realizing what you have to do!!
I am having trouble also, because I am driving AHSober around because he got a third DUI. It is really no problem because his work is on the way to mine, but he is so negative sometimes and ends up bossing me around, backseat driving, etc. and it is driving me nuts! I am finding myself wondering whether I should not drive him anymore and let him take the bus. He bitches, then apologizes later. It is tough, when we love them so much.
Keep on your path.... prayers and love to you and your family...
If this were one of your kids, bitching about doing chores, you know how you would handle it. In this case, the A is acting like a little kid,and needs that same treatment - that is, "I don't care how much you complain, I'm not doing it for you". We learn when our kids are very small that giving in to whining and sulking just creates more whining and sulking. And yet we teach our husbands to be unpleasant bears around the house, in exactly the same way. Or , at least, I did.
