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So today is day 6 that my AH has been missing on this latest binge. His mom is worried to death about him. Me, well, I just don't give a damn. Is that wrong? I mean I do but I don't, ya know? I watch his credit card transactions and see that he is still at it but other than that, nothing. As the days creep on though, I feel this panic in the pit of my stomach b/c I know he could come home at any moment. The longest he has ever been gone is 1 week and only came home b/c he ended up in ER.
I find that I just want him to show up long enough so I can get him to sign separation papers, hand over his bills and give him all of his stuff. This confrontation is what is giving me the panic feeling.
His mom on the other hand - and she has every right as a mom to be worried - wants to know the second he comes home so she can have some NA people do an intervention. WHOA! That is all fine and dandy but that is going to be one ugly situation. And I told her that. I told her that I needed to know when that would happen so the kids weren't around. My AH is one of those people who believes rehab is a joke and useless and swore he would never go to another rehab again (he was in one as a teenager). He doesn't admit to have a problem. He still believes that he can control his use of crack.
So I guess I just wanted to post an update, get my thoughts out there, and find out if anyone has ever had any experience w/interventions.
Am so sorry u are going thru this and I sure understand I don't care but I do. Its hard to love an alcholic without getting hurt but possible , as to the intervention it may or may not work , here most believe they don't and are usually done by family members not NA people who do not know the alcoholic or addict but do understand the desperation of the mother. Keep the focus on your own needs mom in law will be responsible for her own actions. goodluck and hope he returns saftley . Louise
(((QOD))) hate that you are going thru this tough time - sounds like you are taking care of yourself, please keep doing that.
as for the intervention - only his HP knows the outcome of that - I think keeping the kids away is a good idea, also don't know your AH's history but some do get upset & violent when they feel they are being cornerned, for safety's sake maybe take some steps for protection (cell phone in hand, don't allow yourself or mil to be trapped in a room, have more than 1 or 2 people there, get a professional counselor or law enforcement friend to help.)
and of course if you don't feel like you want to be a part of his mom's intervention - remember you are free to do what is right for you - you do not have to participate if you don't want to - it's ok to take care of you.
thoughts & prayers are with you, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Sounds like you're in a good place mentally, and that's really what matters most. I don't have much knowledge on interventions beyond what I see on TV. My own opinion is that unless someone is so low the only way is up, nothing is going to work. Addicts have to fall to that place themselves. Plus, interventions have a "rescue" theme and an "ultimatum", that doesn't seem to work for alcoholcs/addicts either.
Since he already has an aversion to rehab centers (probably based on fear/failure), I wouldn't hold my breath. Your MIL will do what she feels is necessary but you don't have to be involved if you choose not to. It's all about what feels good, right and serene to you. NO is a complete sentence.
Stay strong,
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I did not do an intervention on my husband, but I had been collecting information about rehabs on my own and when he finally stated he needed help and was willing to do something about it, I pulled out the info. He spent 28 days in rehab, then relapsed 3 months later. After another yr, he is taking another go at sobriety--he has almost 5 months now. He makes between 10-12 meetings a week. If by some reason when he does come home and he has hit his bottom/or mom in law does do an intervention I would suggest a longer rehab than 28 days--not that that will cure him or change him, but I personally don't think 28 days is long enough for people who have been living this lifestyle for years! (again that is just my personal opinion.) (of course it's hard to get insurance to pay for long term stuff--that's even if you do have ins.)
Whatever happens I hope you find some peace soon. My ah never took off on me and I'm not sure how well I would have handled that!! Take care of you.
Question--why will you take his bills when he comes home? Are they in your name? One of my problems now is that all the bills, credit cards, cars, house, everything is in my name so I have to make sure it all gets paid so my credit stays o.k., but if they were in his name I wouldn't worry about it--I would think that maybe that might contribute to a bottom--him having to deal with his own bills. That is just my thought, but I don't know your whole situation. I was just wondering.
QOD - I know this has been a long road for you and you are doing awesome. Your MIL is not as strong and does not have the knowledge that you have. She is desperate for anthing to bring back her little boy. You know differently.
You are NOT a bad person for not caring, you have been numbed by this disease, and put into a protective mode for your children as a survivor. You care, but not in the sense that you are going to worry every second of the day. You just don't give up that power anymore.
If your MIL wants proceed let her, please let her know how important that the children NOT be present, don't make it about you and maybe she will be more apt to comply with your wish.
I discussed intervention with my ex-situatiion, his family wanted to pursue it, but the old-timers at AA did not advise it for him. As Christy said, If they are not ready, they are not ready. You can force them to rehab, but you can't force them to listen and want it.
You know all this, we have been gong through this along time now, and I know we can say it like it is and you know it is not advice per say, but how we feel for you.
Hugs!! [[[[[[[[QOD]]]]]]]] [[[[[[[[kids]]]]]]]]]]
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I know very little about interventions, other than they are very powerful - either negative OR positive. Done right, they can be very effective.... Done poorly, they can create even more unrest and chaos...
My story is similar to Dawn's...... I literally "forced" my ex-A wife into treatment the first time around.... she went to a 28-day center, I thought the chaos was over - and relapsed 11 days after getting out..... Another six months or so went by, the worst yet, and then SHE chose to go to Treatment.... She went for 53 days, and has been sober ever since (almost 5 years).
If your MIL really wants to go through with it, I'd at least recommend to her that she engages people who know what they are doing in this field.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Don't know much about interventions either, but most of what I have heard is not good. Success seems to be best for those who are not "real" addicts, but who have slipped into a messy situation this once and need a good wake up call. Those who have been exibiting the behaviours most of their lives I can't see being affected positively by intervention - it would be just more of the same, a different form of nagging. Maybe what she has in mind, though, is just an NA twelve step call - pretty commmon, especially in the early days of AA. Just a few clean and sober people in the program, letting the addict know that recovery is an option. No matter which, you have the right and obligation to live your life in the way that is best for you and your kids - you don't need to let yourself be manipulated by the MIL any more than by the A. There is nothing wrong with saying "I don't feel right about participating, good luck to you", just as there is nothing wrong with going along, if you feel it is best. You ARE the captain of your own ship.
I can here the anger, disinterest, doubt and fear in your post. I know what that is like cause that is where I got and did. Others like your Mother-in-Law have not reached the bottom that you are at. She has more of an attachment and investment in the disease over a longer period of time. It is okay if she is thinking intervention there are many tools that could work and have worked for some for others they have not. Calling in AA and NA to meet with her son is valid and goes on all the time and often time that works however if he is not honest and willing about his disease and the want to arrest it, he will be on another run with the chemicals very soon.
This is a fatal disease, cunning, powerful and baffling and can only end in sobriety, insanity or death.
My alcoholic wife went into rehab and thru the program I heard of her attempt at sobriety and the story of how she did it touched me deeply. I was not a part of it using separation instead or continued support. My support was the wrong type anyway and it could have cost her her life in the process.
What ever way you decide is your decision and you will have consequences from it whether good or bad. Making a decision and sticking to it is a large part of our recovery. In that process we turn both the addicted person and ourselves over to the care of God as we understand God. We let go and detach.
Good luck with your decision and good luck to your Mother-in-Law and husband. HP is with you all.
(((((hugs)))))
Keep coming back.
Ps when you start using your thinker about what can happen or might happen or how he will feel, think or act about something ask your self this question, "Could I be wrong?"
Thanks to all for the advice and support. I don't think I want to be a part of the intervention - IF it happens. I really really don't think he will respond well to it. Like a wild animal trapped w/no escape. But if his mom's wants to do it, I can't stop her. It's like cancelling his credit card that he is using for cash.....I don't think that is a good idea. It isn't in my name, doesn't affect me. If I cancel it (by lying to the bank & pretending to be my AH), then that could really piss him off.....and cause him to go to drastic measures he would not have to resort to at this point. I just see it as causing more problems....not a real solution.
I have all of our bills separated out. My stuff is in my name and his in his. I worked on that a year ago. So basically it is set up to just hand him his bills....the ones I have been paying for the last year and saying....Here ya go. I am not paying them any more. You will have to handle it yourself.
That might make him get a little lower. He is already feeling low b/c we sold our house & I bought one in my name only. So he is feeling homeless....although until this last disappearing episode was the farthest from the truth. I tried to explain that to him....that my home was his home as long as we were married. But he doesn't see it that way. He sees a solid line separating the house from him b/c his name is not on it. I can't help that.
So that is that. Thanks everyone for the insight. AND FYI - My office is moving tomorrow (Thurs) so I will be off-line until Friday or maybe even Monday. No worries. Just no access to the net w/out work.
Just a short note - part of detachment is to neither create a crisis, nor to try to prevent one if it is in the natural course of events. Messing with his credit card, when it is not in your name and does not affect you, would creating a crisis, and to my mind you are wise to stay away from this. Looks like you are doing very well - keep it up.
My intervention was I'm moving out...LOL Other than that, never been a part of one. Usually get out or I'm moving out is sufficient I think. Gets the point across. I'm sorry you're going through this. When my husband went on runners I would report the credit cards he had lost or stolen right away so he couldn't run us into the poorhouse. Although he was pretty quick at racking them up. As far as "he won't admit he has a problem" I would take that as he thinks it's OK to treat me like this otherwise it would be a serious problem to abandon your family for a week. You need to decide what you want for you. More of this? Or moving on to something that would DEFINITELY be better? I am reading this great book called He's just not that into you. It's funny and easy to read and making sense to me right now. You're worth more than this, than waiting around for him to decide if he wants you or not.
