The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't hate my ex-wife. I don't wish anything bad on her, I even pray for her on occasion. I am really not involved in her life at all - I bump into her maybe twice a year while doing things with the kids, and that's about it. What's always interesting about those "bumps" is that it takes about 45 seconds for her to get on my nerves. Whether it's phony pleasantries, or just some subtle judgemental remark - whack, always happens.
The other part is, she has not changed even the slightest from when she was the love of my life, that I'd do anything for and bend over backwards for. That behavior went right on by me, or most likely if I felt the sting of a little jab, I'd react by being even more of a people pleaser. The only thing that has changed - and I mean the ONLY thing - is that I no longer care what she thinks of me. When I apply that factoid to any of our interactions, she comes across as... well... an alien being from another planet. She's not mean or nasty... just... out there.
Coming from an alcoholic home, I grew up with a classic case of the non-normals. I not only wasn't normal, I really didn't have a concept of normal. My ex. likes to use that word a lot, especially applied to me (with the word NOT in front of it). I see clearly now that her concept of the word is just as warped as mine, for some of the same reasons. But our common ACA background, rather than being a common bond, gave us both the -isms that drove us apart. She's still in denial; she's such a classic example of untreated Alanon/ACA that I scream when I see Alanon newbies that seem to be quoting from my ex-wife's book of phraseology.
How dare I get better. How dare I get sober. How dare I get a program, and learn a new concept of "normal"... serenity... action instead of reaction. How dare I make her feel inferior because she doesn't have a program. How dare I get better without following HER plan for my betterment!
The E.T... she will find her own way. She's not a bad person. Just bad for me.
Thanks for sharing. I get major triggers around certain people. It's very hard for me to be around some 'al-anons' (especially new one's) because they trigger too much 'stuff' from my childhood. No one on this forum, I'm talking about interacting with people at meetings. I've had to set up boundaries without creating baracades...it takes constant 'upkeep' and it is hard to find the balance. I've had to ask myself 'why does this person bother me so much?' and to be honest, when I took time to ask, the answers came, helping me to understand myself better, and seperating the person from the disease! Mind you some people are just too unhealthy for me to be around, but that's part of taking care of me.
Excellent insight. Many, many, many (well not that many, I'm not that old! ) I made the conscious decison not to include my very negative relatives in my life anymore. I was going through some major changes, and all I heard from them what was perceived as the negative aspects about my life. "When are you going to grow up and get married?" I had just put myself through college, was living on my own, and I haven't grown up yet? My sister never understood my desire to be rid of these people. "They are your blood relatives..." Well I may have taken a great deal of flack from people, but it was the most liberating productive things I have done over the years. I think that we have to be true to ourselves, and take care of ourselves. I still see these relatives on occasion, and they still can't figure me out. Apparently I haven't grown up 20 years later, eventhough I am married! lol I don't regret my decision. I wish them no ill will. I am who I am, and they are who they are. I can't change them. I don't want to. It's not my job. But the fact of the matter is is that we will never be close, and that's the way it is suppose to be. And that's okay too. Thanks for the reminder.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
That's interesting Barisax. Your thoughts make me very glad I am here, I would not want to be the person I was a year ago and definitely not the person I was a few years ago. It's almost funny to me that years ago when I tried my best to keep my A on a "normal" track, his family etc all thought I was great for him, now that I have finally learned I can't and that I need to live my life I'm not "normal" anymore. I really like it LOL Thank you for sharing.
) I made the conscious decison not to include my very negative relatives in my life anymore. I was going through some major changes, and all I heard from them what was perceived as the negative aspects about my life. "When are you going to grow up and get married?" 
I had just put myself through college, was living on my own, and I haven't grown up yet? My sister never understood my desire to be rid of these people. "They are your blood relatives..." Well I may have taken a great deal of flack from people, but it was the most liberating productive things I have done over the years. I think that we have to be true to ourselves, and take care of ourselves. I still see these relatives on occasion, and they still can't figure me out. Apparently I haven't grown up 20 years later, eventhough I am married! lol I don't regret my decision. I wish them no ill will. I am who I am, and they are who they are. I can't change them. I don't want to. It's not my job. But the fact of the matter is is that we will never be close, and that's the way it is suppose to be. And that's okay too.