The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH and I have been together for 5yrs now. He is an active alcoholic and a crack addict. We have split up and gotten back together so many times that I have lost count. I know if nothing changes nothing changes. This last time, even though he is still actively drinking, I thought things would be different. I foolishly thought that there had been enough changes in his life to really make a difference. His mother (who was his biggest enabler) passed away and he only had half-siblings left that lived in other states. When his mother was alive she would pay all of his bills for him allowing him to have more money to spend on alcohol and drugs. The last time I left him was after his mother passed away so for the first time in his life he was truly on his own. He admittingly told me that it was the best thing that I could have ever done for him. Because of this I felt enough changes had been made that maybe we could actually work things out this time. Well that was two months ago and already I am regretting my decision to reconcile. Even though his drinking has gotten better, I know that on at least two occasions that my husband has used crack since we have been back together. He becomes nasty and hateful when he has used and can't get anymore. Don't get me wrong, I know that addicts do what addicts do and I do not feel in any way that I have been victimized or that he is trying to purposely hurt me. I knew coming back in that my husband was a crack addict and that it is a very hard addiction to get over and usually requires rehab. I have seen my husband overcome other addictions though and felt that maybe he was going to be able to beat this one as well. Now I just feel tired and drained and just don't know if it's worth it to try and make our marriage work. I often feel alot of guilt because I find my husband telling me often that he really does love me and wants things to work out and for me to please not hurt him. He can obviously see that I just don't feel the same about him anymore. I don't know what to do. I just don't know if I can ever love him like I use to. I'm afraid that my resentments may sabotage any chance of us ever being able to work through this. I have been trying to work through my resentments but just can't seem to let go of all of them. Has anyone else gone through this? Your ESH would be greatly appreciated.
((fairytales)), i can't speak for you but i can share my e,s & h . . .
i thought i lost that feeling of love - but it was really a person that i lost - not feelings. During the active yrs (10 plus) in my marriage, I thought I lost the love I had for my AH - but what happened was the disease took the man i fell in love with away & replaced it with a total stranger who lived in my AH's body. Those 2 men were the total opposites - i use to think i was crazy - how could i love & hate the same person? I know now they are not the same person. I love my husband, but i hate the person he becomes when his disease takes over his will & his life.
i have to set boundaries, keep a heathy distance from those who are still suffering from these addictions - it doesn't mean i can't have them in my life, but i might have to limit some of my contact. I have to take care of myself - i need it - i deserve it - my HP wants me to have it. And yours wants you to take care of yourself also-whatever or however that may be wishing you a day of joy, love & serenity, Rita
-- Edited by Rita G at 11:47, 2007-01-30
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I truly understand what you are saying, and I completely agree with Rita on this one. My AW is the most caring, thoughtful and loving person I have ever met.... when she is not in the disease. Right now... at this moment in time that person is completely gone.
The only other observation I have seen in my relationship is that as I work on me, my AW becomes afraid that she is no longer worthy, that I will bolt and just panics. We are seperated and she see's this as a lack of love on my part, but I am not giving up on our relationship right now. And I am determined not to make that decission based on her panic.
If I decide this is not the path I want to be on, I will decide it with my HP and she will have to do the same.
Keep working your program and you will feel confident in your own answers.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
BOY OH BOY FAIRYTALES-I AM RIGHT THERE WITH YOU ON THIS ONE. We are going through so much of the same things. The difference is my AH's enabler is no one other than me apparrently. And I am about to stop.
For years I have dealt w/the alcoholism w/my AH. But when it turned to crack addiction I began to struggle. He is currently on a binge - or so I am assuming. He disappeared last Friday and I haven't seen or heard from him since. I can track some cash advances on his credit card to know that he is at least still alive...unless someone else has his card.
Will he come home this time? I don't know. Do I really even care? Don't think so. I often feel that I have lost that "Lovin' Feeling" too. But I have to agree w/Rita & Rtexas.....I still love the man I once knew....the man I fell in love with my junior year in highschool. I do not love this man he has become....the one who leaves his family behind so he can selfishly spend money we don't have for his addictions, the one who has not been able to keep a job for the past year. I don't love this man and I am ready for him to go away for good.....unfortunately, I don't think I will get the old man back.
Good Luck in your sorting through. I am thinking of you. You are not alone.
My A, is also an addict. Do you have a sponsor or someone close to you that you can talk things over with? I didn't have a sponsor, but I had my Mother and she was and still is just wonderful about listening to me and helping me see things in a better manner.
The resentments are so hard to let go of sometimes. I started with forgiving him. It was not the man who loved me that did those things, but the man the disease had put in his body. I know that "he" never would have allowed those things to happen if "he" was in control. There was never an "ill intent" on hurting me or our children behind anything he did. This has helped me let go of 99.9% of my resentments. I am still working on the .1% lol. I also believe that a good relationship with an HP is so helpful with this area.
I went through a period when I didn't know if I wanted to even bother with trying to save the tiny bit that was left of "us" and at the end of 2005 wasn't even planning on him being alive much past the first part of jan. He was also a binger and would usually have a decent sum of money on him and/or access to more. I figured he would either OD or someone would just "off" him to take the cash. I put both these things in my HP's hands since there was nothing I could do to stop either from happening. I also put our relationship in HP's hands also.....another thing I didn't have total control over either, since it was going to take both of us to fix what had been broken and at the time neither of us was in any state of mind to fix a relationship when we were trying to fix ourselves. I liken it to using broken tools to fix something.....it's not gonna happen, lol.
He started his recovering jan of 2006, and I had started mine about a yr or 2 prior to that. We are still working our own programs, but now have the ability to start working on us. I guess all I can say is that even if my A had not found recovery I would have still continued to work on me with the knowledge that once I was healthy again I would have known what decision to make and when to make it. And also would have had the confidence that the decision I was making was based on a healthy choice rather than just a reaction to chaos. I try very hard not to make any decision, in any aspect of my life, unless I am confident of my reasons for choosing what I am choosing. I do not want or need to spend any more time on regrets and resentments, whether aimed at someone else or myself.
Keep putting you first, get to know yourself and I think the answers you are looking for will show themselves to you.
