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Hi all...in a nutshell, my H and I have been married x 17 years, we have 3 wonderful sons ages 9,12 & 17...he dropped bomb last March saying that he could no longer handle the pressures of marriage, kids, home etc...found out 2 mos later he moved into a trailor with a female bartender that works at the same sports bar he goes to at least 4 times a week. She is a single, chubby, chain smoking asthmatic who drinks as well (what a catch)...anyhow, I have finally come to admit that yes, my H is in fact an alcoholic. He is the same type of alcoholic that my father is...some would call them "functioning alcoholics" who knows, all I know is that I figured because he has been able to keep a job x 18 years, always got up in the morning seemingly without a hangover, rarely missed work, didn't get DUI's or have car accidents I assumed he couldn't be an alcoholic...boy was I wrong. I now know how wrong I was....his DUI's came in the form of emotional detachement from not just me, but our kids. His auto accidents came in the form of an inability to bond with anyone really.
I now look back and realize i was covering for him when he would pee on the side of the toilet late in the evening, or bump into the walls on his way to bed in front of all of us as we watched tv and I would tell the kids he was really tired or he was sleepwalking. I looked the other way when he would get up in the middle of the night on numerous occasions and urniate in the corner of the room thinking he was in the bathroom...of course there were many more red flags, but why dwell. The transitions that me and my kids have had to make this past year have been enourmus, and we are all so much better off then we were last March. I am so much stronger and even a little wiser. The only problem I have is this....
I am just so crushed by the fact that he has chosen to leave me and our kids for this other woman. I don't know if his doing this is because of his alcoholisim, or because he is really in love with her and it is so upsetting to me. I can't believe how he could blow off his family like this...it is just completly unthinkable to me how he can do this. I mean is she his perverbial 'soulmate' that I just couldn't be? I guess my question is this...anyone else here go through this? How prevelant is this situation...an alcoholic leaving their family for another woman...sorry for this being so long...the numbness has gratfully been wearing off of me and I have a MILLION questions
((((Kellygirl))))) <<<=== these are hugs by the way
Welcome to MIP and your recovery. You are right, there are as many types of A's as there are stars in the sky. Underneith it all you will find irrational behavior (of some kind) and selfishness and a strange protection of thier right to continue drinking.
It defies logic which is why most of us get so sick ourselves. Making sense out of nonsense is madening.
This place is a great place to learn about yourself, about how enabling others bad habits reguardless of what they are is bad for us... and them.
I only have a few minutes, but wanted to welcome you to our family. I would encourage you to try some meetings locally and read some of the approved literature, maybe try the chat room here (the link is in the upper left hand corner of the page) and by all means continue to post.
I was right where you are now 6 years ago. I wish I had had the strength back then to look for help. Took me another 5 years and a near breakdown before my Higher Power (who I call God) brought me here on my knees. This program has truly saved my life.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Hi Kelly and welcome to MIP! No I have not experienced anything like your situation, but I can tell you this: The things alcoholics do totally defy explanation or logic. I know it is difficult not to dwell on why he left you for this chubby, chain-smoking, asthmatic drinker, (pardon me if I did get a little chuckle out of that) but you must not allow his action to bring you down. Put the focus on YOU and the children. Come back here often, try to get to f2f meetings near you, and hold your head high.
I send you very good wishes and hopes for the future.
With great caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I went through my A wife of 10 years leaving me. It defied all my logic as well. I have learned a whole lot about things in the nearly 3 years I have been attending alanon, but the most important thing was...it wasnt about me. Nothing I could have or should have done could have made any difference. Other people are just gonna do, what other people are gonna do. And no amount of trying to figure out why they do what they do is gonna make any difference. I have learned to put the focus on myself. That I am a wonderful, worthwhile person and that she left for her own reasons. I didnt cause it, I couldnt control it, and I couldnt cure it.
Like my friend Diva suggested, Keep you head high!!! and try to find a local meeting you can attend. People there will love you and help you.
Welcome to MIP! You have come to the right place. Ditto on what everyone else has said. Get to a meeting. Learn as much as you can about alcoholism. And keep the focus on yourself and your kids. My AHsober of 33 years walked out the door after our last son graduated from high school. This is not about us but it sure is painful. It is just what alcoholics do because the disease is running the show. Keep coming back.
I was reading your post and saying to myself, "Gad this gal is strong!!, She's got it all together! Why would she be posting here except for..." and there it was again the same questions and thoughts I had when I went thru what you are going thru now. The hurt, surprise, disbelief, unacceptance, fear, lonliness and rejection and resentment and and and go on forever.
The abbreviated version of this story is I got to Al-Anon and listened and learned from the most amazing recovering people I have ever met in my life.
One of the things I learned was when I was talking about the surprising and hurtful things she did I was asked to clarify if it was my wife or my alcoholic who did those things. Ah....the alcoholism thing again and I started to understand that often times very acceptable people under the influence of alcohol(ism) will do absolutely stunning, crazy, hurtful and unbelievable things to themselves and others. (check out the last word of step 2). I started to identify my "alcoholic" when speaking of the insanity in our lives and it changed the entire picture. I know the difference today and can focus of the good in my wife and the lack of it in my alcoholic.
Another thing I learned was that "alcohol" and everything attached to it is the MOST important thing in their lives. It comes first before, during and after. Alcohol is a compulsion of the mind. That compulsion is always there so they are always under the influence drinking or not. Family and other priorities must come second or later maybe otherwise they interfere with the relationship with things alcoholic. WHAT YOU ARE GOING THRU IS ABSOLUTELY NORMAL, NOT STRANGE FOR AN ALCOHOLIC RELATIONSHIP. You might be thinking of normal on a different plane or from a different culture but not within the disease of alcoholism.
You played your part. There indeed was an "Elephant in the living room" as some of the helpful literature about denial talks about and you at one time acted as if it wasn't there. You made excuses and the like and now you are wide awake without anesthesia. "Damn this hurts" is just a mild statement for those of us who have gone thru the shock of waking up from the nightmare. There are other more descriptive statements about the situation.
My alcoholic left often and sometimes for days. I am glad I got into the Family Groups so that I could learn it wasn't me or about me. I once got angry and judged her as a woman who would hit the sack with any Tom, Dick or Harry and then had to add Jerry to that because that was how we met and got together. I found her in a nightclub, drunk and took her home to take care of. I was soooo proud and soooo naive. I had to be fair and honest. This might not be how it happened with you and it only reveals the insane expectation I had of her while in the disease I could also participate in, in order to get my consequences. She wasn't doing anything she wasn't doing when we met. She was progressing in the disease. It was sad for all of us; the entire family including in-laws, children etc. We suffered almost as much as the alcoholic and sometimes more because we were not under the influence of alcohol. I also justified and covered up. I also wanted to run. I also wanted something different. The surprise is that I enabled it to get worse by what I contributed, not better.
There is no such thing as loving another person more than booze if you listen to an honest alcoholic and most often you'll find these in open AA meetings. From my experience with the chemical; it is the most intense love affair a person can have. It is so powerful, cunning and baffling and even when we are with "the person we love" most of us are in the bottle or thinking about getting into the bottle ... alone or with anyone else. The addiction is an addiction of investment. Because it has such negative consequences, mind, body, spirit and emotions every time we drink we intensive the investment. We have to or we have to stop by going insane or dying or both. There is soooooo much that says we must or we should stop but we climb that hill again or jump off a higher cliff and drink anyway hoping that this time the consequence will be different. Alcoholics are not stupid they are addicted to the most important way of living to them. Destruction is normal...you are in a normal situation for alcoholism with the exception of coming here and reaching out for help. Thousands upon thousands of others have not come to that point yet and are still walking around the elephant in their living rooms. Your husband loves booze and not anything else regardless of what he tells himself or anyone else. It isn't about her...get over her. It isn't about you and the kids...get over you and the kids. The man you kept secrets for and made excuses for is crashing away from home. He is going crazy and dying and the situation requires compassion because he is marching toward one of the three choices of this incurable disease; sobriety, insanity and/or death. "Alcoholism is a disease...not a moral issue." It isn't about right or wrong, good or bad, it's about a fatal illness. You and the rest of the family and your husband are being touched by it. Go get help before it's too late.
Your life depends upon being in this program (once told to me long ago just before I found the doors of Al-Anon) because the serenity, insanity and/or death can just as well be yours and or the children's. (Alateen is for 12-19 year old children of alcoholics) get them there if it is in your area and usually it will be right alongside an Al-Anon meeting if not also an AA meeting.
The he that is blowing off you and the family is your alcoholic. Your husband is missing. He is lost somewhere and needs to find his way around. The best person to help him do that is another recovering alcoholic not you because you don't have the experience or strength or hope or awareness to do it. You sounded great at first and then you got honest and now you are qualified to be here and to sit down and learn what we have learned and are learning.
You won't have to cover up for him anymore. You won't have to cover up for yourself. You are not alone. We have been thru what you are going thru right now and we can work it out together if you are willing to sit, listen, learn and then practice what is suggested to you.
This is not the long version. It actually is short considering the many lost paths that we travel on in the disease. There isn't enough time to speak about the incredible insanity I lived with from childhood and even after being in recovery for a while.
I'd rather shortly say to you that if you take the suggestion about coming back, listening, learning and practicing you will experience such awesome miracles that the experience of living with the disease will become a gratitude because of what you have found.
I am also a newbie here...And I have a similiar story. My H has been in recovery for 16 yrs. And Jan 9th, just up and walked out. He called me saying he was leaving and by the time I got home...he was gone. With in two days..he filed for divorce, spent lots'O money and that's it.
After researching his irrational behavior on-line..I found out that he has symptoms of being bi-polar...and after chatting with a counselor...they also believe that is a disorder he has.
I fell to my knees and prayed to my higher power (God). That is all I could do.
I don't quite understand the disease yet..but I am getting there..I have started a 12 step program called Celebrating Recovery. It takes the same steps from AA and uses them in correlation with the Bible...I love it.
Keep up your faith and get involved...Great support brings Great strenght!
Hi Kelly, Well, seems like everyone else has put it so well. All I can add is that I'm glad you are here and my prayers and thoughts are with you.
I have been where you are, and it's not an easy thing.
In life, one of the hardest things for me to deal with is the question why??? Unfortunately, very often that just isn't any rational answer that we, as humans, can fathom.
Please know that we care and please keep coming back!
I can't express my gratitiude for all of you right now...I am looking in my area for the next meeting and I will be attending. His mother kicked my H father out when he was thirteen because of his alcoholisim...and since then, my FIL desended into an oblivious alcoholic world and has no desire to see either of his sons on a regular basis. He even bought his own bar. My H acts like it never bothered him, but I know better. His brother is a drug addict and has been in and out of jail since he was 21 years old (he is currently in jail). In my MIL eyes, my H was the "normal" one...the good son....the responsible son. When this happened, my MIL basicly lost her last hope of normalcy...she has since put her house up for sale and will be moving back east in June, leaving behind her 3 grandsons. I see NO BACKBONE in any of my H's family...each one of them has disgraced each other including my MIL.
My H is in constant contact with our two younger sons, ages 9 and 12...he calls them sometimes 4 times a day and comes over at least every other night. I do not allow him in the house, so he sits outside in our driveway and the boys go out to him. It really is so sad. My youngest son says that dad calls him a lot, and he doesn't know what to say to him all of the time because he calls so much...this is really breaking my heart. our oldest son, 17, wants nothing to do with him ever since he found out whom he was living with and of course my H blames me for turning our son against him and says he can never forgive me for doing this...of course I told him that i did no such thing and that our son is old enough to have his own opinions and feelings about what my H is doing, but my H didn't care, It is my fault his son won't speak to him...I just try and remember that I know the truth and that it is my H that won't face the reality of the situation. On morning my oldest son was listening to an arguement between my H and I about his estrangement with my H...he heard me crying...I didn't know he could hear us because my bedroom door was closed...as soon as I hung up, my son came into my room, picked up the phone and called my H and said the following to him:
"Dad, I want to talk to you...."
My H replied:
"Not right now....I can't talk...I will call you back in a bit."
My son said it sounded like my H was crying.My son called him back a few minutes later:
"I want you to know that mom did not turn me against you...you did by what you are doing to our family. Your a liar and a drunkerd!" He then hung up.
I was shocked!!! My first reaction was how disrespectful he was to his dad, then I realized that these were his feelings. My H called his mother who in turn called us later that night and she was appalled by my sons words and that my son needed to learn how to respect his father...to that I told her:
"Once my H does something respectful, we can respect him!"
She was not amused to say the least....now I see that she is an enabler, but lets not open that can of worms
I am really questioning a couple of things...please bear with me...I realize these questions might seem silly, but this is what I am thinking right now.
*Is my H an alcoholic or am I simply using alcoholisim as an excuse why he left the kids and I for another woman?
*Can an person be an alcoholic and still lead a seemingly normal work/daytime existance?
*How can an alcoholic still be so connected with his two younger kids, but so detached from his wife and older son?
My first husband left me for another woman...he wasn't even an A, so I didn't even have that to fall back on as an "excuse" for what he did, lol, although he was abusive and did come from a dysfunctional home.....these things I found out after we were married. I sat many, many nights crying and asking myself those same questions...."what did i do wrong?, How can he be with her, she looks like a man? (she is a most homely individual lol) How could he leave me and his son?" So many questions with no answers......except one.....the issue was him, NOT me. No matter what I did, or didn't do, he obviously had something wrong somewhere. I eventually turned it around as my self confidence grew and seen the situation as his loss, not mine. He is now married to this woman and neither are happy, he hasn't changed at all.....this was a good reinforcement for me that it was him and not me afterall.
Try not to worry about why he left, you more than likely will never know for sure. Concentrate on you and who you are.
As to your second post, yes he can still be an alcoholic and still lead a seemingly normal life. My A, held down very good jobs....even got advancements and raises left and right. Many alcoholics are very functioning and can work in all fields from burger flippers to doctors and lawyers (now that's scary huh?)
As far as him being more connected to the 2 younger children, I can only figure that maybe because he thinks they don't know as much as you and older son. Maybe he thinks that they are too young for them to know what he is doing and has done in the past so there is no guilt there with them. With you and the older son....well he can't hide things from you and the 17 yr old is old enough to know what he see's. So maybe there is a certain amount of guilt, shame and/or embarrassment when it come to his relationship with you and oldest son. I don't know for sure, this is just my take on the situation and from what I went through in my family. We have 3 children ages 6,6 and 7 and then I have my son from previous marriage and he is 22. My AH seemed more comfortable being with the little ones than he did when he was with me and/or oldest son. AH (now in recovery) has told me he "didn't know how to act around" me and oldest son "because of the guilt and embarrassment" he had over the things he had done.
Please don't take his disconnection from you personal, the issues are his, not your's.
I just wanted to reply to thank you for posting. I am also new to the site and to alanon. I must say, you have lots of courage. Thank you for asking the questions, I could not yet type, but have been killing myself to figure out. Reading your post and all of the caring responses gives me hope. Be strong and take good care of yourself.
I agree with all my wise friends before me. Whether he leaves you for another woman or a bottle it is an addictive behavior. And with your family history you know you were prone to find to it.
I put myself and my boys first alomst a year ago, and it is so liberating to have that monkey of addiction of my back. I just have myself to watch now, that I don't repeat my same mistakes again. I know I am a fixer, hell I even work in a hospital. I just have to be careful in my daily choices. But with all this program has taught me, it is a lot easier than it was a couple of years ago without it.
Welcome and best wishes!
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
