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Can I throttle my parents yet? Seriously. One of the things we learn in recovery is that, if we are willing to go to any lengths and throughly practice this program, we will see results in the most dire and darkest of situations. Well, *cue Gomer Pyle* Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Mom called Saturday. I had emailed her eariler that day, saying "As of right now, I do not have to work on Saturday. I will be happy to take you to your hair appointment if John [step dad] will pick you up." Mom called and was *cue Gomer Pyle* unhappy. She wanted a garentee that she could have full, complete acess to the car for the whole of Saturday. But there were, ahem, a few details mom "forgot" to tell me. She "forgot" to tell me, for example, that she and my step father were no longer staying in a hotel in Dayton, but with friends in Cincy. "Mom, I wish you would have told me about your change in plans. That makes it harder for me to accomadate you." Well, saying that was a mistake! Mom went into 1) how I was doing everything but accomadating her; 2) how our time together was, ultimately getting shorter and shorter (wait...she was born in '52...so she's...oh. Less than anchient. What was I thinking?! ); 3) did I not understand how very valuble her time was? She was, after all, taking time out of HER life to come and SEE ME--after, of course, getting her hair done, working with sponsees, making a presense with other people she considered important and...yeah. And (I'm just so proud of myself!) I said, "Actually mom, I want to thank you for being so direct and honest with me on so many different levels about your needs and your feelings these past couple of weeks. Last week you honestly asked me how much longer I expect to see my councelor on a weekly basis, citing that you were uncertain if you could support me financially in that. I appreciated that you spoke to me as an adult and you spoke to me about adult matters. When you and John get your plans ironed out for the upcoming weekend, call me back and we'll talk like adults directly about what I can do to accomadate you." LONG PAUSE. Cursory call endings.
Then came last night with dad. Well, Dad expressed quite a bit about his resentments that, ahem, I'm not going to graduate school in my field of undergraduate studies. Of course he didn't say it THAT WAY. He went about it as "Don't compare what I had to go through to get my medical degree to your degree." "Don't compare my experience to yours. I think you're confused what it means to have a doctorate, a medical degree, and a BA. I think you should talk to your councelor on that." Oh, Matrix, wherefore art thou? I desprately need to kick my father's butt so he will not have an ego the size of Africa! Finally I said, "Dad, what I think you're trying to express is that you're concerned that I'm not getting a masters in my major field is a signal that I've wasted 5 years of my time and your money." Pause. "Yeah. That's exactly it. I'm afraid that you've wasted your time and my money." Oh where, oh where have the great under cover inspectors that one could count on to go "AHA! I've got you now!" and could do it without being EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED?! This is when I said to Dad "I want to thank you for supporting me last year in my set design and construction class. I had to build from scratch a 3D model of my set and design, from scratch a blue print. Because I've had to do these things, I have the ability now to read blueprints and models and can determine what a quality one looks like. I wouldn't have succeeded without your help--it was an extremely stressful and extremely busy class. Because it was a class meant to prepare me for working in that field in the theater full time, however, I realized I wasn't willing to make that commitment: I was working well into the night 7 days a week drawing, gluing, painting. I'd like down the road to have a family, to go on vacation, and that field demands a full total commitment. I've also looked into internships within my major, and unfortuneately, I find teh same dynamics: a complete and full, 7 day a week commitment. But I want to thank you for your support in my acting classes and my theater design classes. It meant a great deal and I couldn't have made it with out you." Pause. "You're welcome." Later he said "This was a good conversation. We should do this again some time." We should? Can I throttle my parents yet?
wow! to me it sounded as if your relationship with your parents is far form perfect and you stated that in such a mature way to them. but what really gave me hope was that you stayed true to yourself and did not fall. at least not in front of them. i have had similar conversations with my mother and i always fall into her trap. always. that is my biggest struggle at the moment is how to stay in my program when i deal with her. the way your mother reacted to your independence sounded so familiar to me and until i read your response i just assumed that my mother was right when she said those things and i should feel guilty and angry. my relationship with my mother is complicated (as is everyones) but i am sorting it out. she blames, that is what she does. mostly blames me for the way her life is. and i accept that blame and feel less than and then blame her for my feelings. reading your post gave me hope that maybe i don't have to take her blame and maybe i don't have to give it back to her either.thank you.
I don't even talk to my dad, he's bipolar. Perhaps if he wasn't accusing me of having "my people" watch him it might be ok. My thoughts on this...How important is it really? I had to pay for my own education still owe 25k in student loan debt so I would happily defend questioning on my motives were someone else paying for my education! Probably not what you wanted to hear but just my take on it.
Well.... those are trying situations, and definitely gave you an "oportunity" to try your program skills. In my opinion you did very well with it.
"Can I throttle my parents yet?" .... As a child and a parent, I would say.... why bother?
I am quite a bit older than you, but here is my take on it. Parents, just like everyone else in the world have opinions, and decide to act however they are going to act. You have options about how you let those affect you.
I ask my parents opinion often, and in years past did the same with my grandparents, but I don't agree with them all the time. I simply take it for what it's worth and make the best decissions I can.
The key is now that you are getting older and able to do that to... is to decide how much of what they say effects your day. That's a whole lot easier said than done, and my parents are not as demanding as what you described. So take it for what it's worth.
IMHO I think you are doing a great job of making the best decissions you can for yourself.... that is a real achivement.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
(((((((((tigger))))))))) I have no relationship with my father!!!! I really liked the way you are handling the situation with your family wow way to work your program!!!!
What wonderful, thoughtful replies. I love and need every one of them. Thank you TX for your insight--in fact this is something I'm working extremely hard on in my relationship to my family, both parents and Aunts/Uncles, etc. We say in al anon "take what you like & leave the rest," but that's so much easier said than done. I grew up with the extremely firm notion of "only bad girls don't love their daddies; good girls love their daddies 100% no matter what." Today I'm learning that I can love the loving parts of my family and pray over the parts that are hurting me. It's wonderful also to hear from other recovering members that have families in the medical profession that I'm not unique! Oh how that gets me into TROUBLE! But I think this, too, is common in our thinking--how could anyone else live with this? Understand these feelings? It's so good to be reminded of these things! Thank you al anon family for the loving and thoughtful interchange you have given me!
for me the hardest people to work an active program of recovery is my parents. mixture of fear, respect, fear of disappointing them, unhealthy respect, people pleasing, guilt - tons of stuff to still work on. to be able to voice my disagreement with is the most uncomfortable for me - your ability to have the type of conversation with your parents gives me hope that some day i'll get there. My parents aren't really that bad, it is just how the disease skews my judgement & their attitudes. I love them & know they love me - we just aren't always healthy with our boundaries.
Maybe one day i'll grow up to be like "Tiger2006" Progress not perfection, Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
"Mom, I wish you would have told me about your change in plans. That makes it harder for me to accomadate you." 
Well, saying that was a mistake! Mom went into 1) how I was doing everything but accomadating her; 2) how our time together was, ultimately getting shorter and shorter (wait...she was born in '52...so she's...oh. Less than anchient. What was I thinking?! 
); 3) did I not understand how very valuble her time was? She was, after all, taking time out of HER life to come and SEE ME--after, of course, getting her hair done, working with sponsees, making a presense with other people she considered important and...yeah. And (I'm just so proud of myself!) I said, "Actually mom, I want to thank you for being so direct and honest with me on so many different levels about your needs and your feelings these past couple of weeks. Last week you honestly asked me how much longer I expect to see my councelor on a weekly basis, citing that you were uncertain if you could support me financially in that. I appreciated that you spoke to me as an adult and you spoke to me about adult matters. When you and John get your plans ironed out for the upcoming weekend, call me back and we'll talk like adults directly about what I can do to accomadate you." 
Of course he didn't say it THAT WAY. He went about it as "Don't compare what I had to go through to get my medical degree to your degree." "Don't compare my experience to yours. I think you're confused what it means to have a doctorate, a medical degree, and a BA. I think you should talk to your councelor on that." 
Oh, Matrix, wherefore art thou? I desprately need to kick my father's butt so he will not have an ego the size of Africa! Finally I said, "Dad, what I think you're trying to express is that you're concerned that I'm not getting a masters in my major field is a signal that I've wasted 5 years of my time and your money." 
Oh where, oh where have the great under cover inspectors that one could count on to go "AHA! I've got you now!" and could do it without being EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED?! 
We should? 
