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My AH has been working on getting this new job for over 2 months now. Supposedly it required tons of background work and paperwork that was taking some time. He had gotten down to the last 2 things.....the drug test and physical. He had the drug test on Friday morning. Thursday night, he took a home test that showed faint lines in 2 catagories. He said one was for cocaine and the other was for the pain meds he took of MINE the week before w/out my permission. (It was cold meds w/codiene that I had from 6 months ago). So anyway, Friday morning, I told him to give me a call once he was done w/the test so I could know what was going on......I never heard from him. He never came home. And now it is Monday morning...and still nothing. I am assuming he failed his drug test and said screw it and went to get messed up.
I am at my witts end. I just don't know what I am supposed to do here. I mean should I just plan on him not coming back? Pack up his crap that is laying ALL OVER my house and wait for him to come & get it? I still have so much up in the air from the move. Hell it was his addiction that caused us to have to make the move in the 1st place. He couldn't even stay straight long enough to accomplish the move. I had to rely on my family to get it done. Then he shows up a week later, does some things around the house that needed to be done, tore up a few things in the process....and now he is gone again. He loaded my dad's trailer down w/trash, clothes dryer, oven/stove, recliner (3 things he managed to switch out for me before disappearing). Now it is stuck in my driveway, waiting to be hauled off. I don't know how to back a trailer up....so I cannot take it to the dump. I reckon I will have to call on my sister's husband once again to do this for me.
I have lots of stuff in storage that needs to be moved into the house. Not to mention that the storage unit is paid for by my AH's credit card....that will soon be maxed out. I pray I can get everything out of there before I get locked out...and everything sold at auction.
I have lots of my AH's bills that need to be paid. I don't have the money for it or the heart to just let them go. Geez....what am I supposed to do? Advice anyone? I just don't know what to do anymore. I find that sometimes I wish he would just go ahead & disappear for good. But the way things are now....if I let anything go (his bills, his truck, anything of his) when he returns he will be PISSED!! He will give me the whole, "I wouldn't do that to you! I took care of you for 13 years and now you are letting all my stuff go to shit." I can hear it now. We've had this fight before. And for the record, we have been married for 14 years, I have worked all that time except for the year I was finishing up my 12th grade year in highschool-pregant all the while (we lived w/my parents during that time too) and for the 9 months I went to business school. Plus, for the last year, he hasn't held down a job for more than 2 months at a time. So he didn't necessarily "take care of me" at any time.
Ugghh! I am at a loss. And I am embarressed for anyone to know that he has disappeared on another binge again. I feel like his family is starting to blame me for not being able to control him too.
Well, you could start by working a program and not re-acting. The fact that you worded your post AGAIN!! says that you've been here before. It also says that the solutions you used the last time didn't work. You're in the same position, same resentments, same fears, same shame, same humiliation. And rather than calming down and putting together a game plan, you're blaming. This is the person that compromised you graduating high school. This is the person that in 14 years, 14 YEARS of mairriage, has not held a job for more than 2 months consecutively. This is the person that STEALS from you. And you're wondering why it is you're frustrated, humiliated, exhausted and beside yourself? The fact is, you've put yourself in this position! You've earned your place here. As one of my al anon friends says, been here 27 years "Pidgeons do what pidgeons do,and if you sit under their tree, they s**t on you." Honey, have you been S**t on enough? Having said all that, you know what to do. You do. It's that you want some one to give you permission and tell you what to do. And that's not gonna happen. What you need to do, and you knew I was gonna say this, is break down the laundry list of things you've needed to do since god knows when into smaller, more manageable pices. So his stuff's all over the house? Start tossin it in trash bags! To goodwill we go! So there's stuff still unpacked from the move? Leave it! Keep it in the boxes! Until you know whether or not you're staying in the house, it's better to keep things as they are. So there are bills to pay? Call the bill collectors! Tell them the truth! Show them your status! Go to a credit councelor! You knew these were the solutions. Why are you not participating in your own recovery? You knew this was the adult way to handle the situation. Why are you looking for your pidgeon to stop s**ting on you, when you keep sittin' under his tree? He's an addict! He ain't gonna change till he decides to! Until then, your life ain't either till you decide to! So what's it gonna be?
if I let anything go (his bills, his truck, anything of his) when he returns he will be PISSED!!
Girlfriend, What is he dong to you right now? You wouldn't do this to him either, leaving him to deal with all that needs to be dealt with. He will NEVER stop this without having consequences. Why should he? He thinks all is being taken care of while he leaves you alone, floundering and he's binging without a care in the world. You are not doing him any favors by fixing it for him, you know that. You would never do what he's doing in the first place! You would n't put him in this position. His comments are pure manipulation to enable what he does, nothing more. And yes, he certainly would do it to you, he is doing it now!!! Until you set some boundaries for yourself and put your foot down this behavior is what you can expect. You managed to get help with the move while he vanished. There were no enforced boundaries then, and here you are again for another go 'round. See the pattern? You must want more for yourself then this in order to change it. Guilt often keeps us from doing what we need to do, but that is our illness and is exactly why we are here. We need to stop that very behavior of cushioning their fall, protecting, covering up etc.. It is not showing love when we do this. It's prolonging his misery, enabling him to have binge after binge with no consequences...keeping him in his disease. Even worse, you are in the same spot yet again.
Knowing what he does, it's best to always have a plan B and boundaries in place. Nothing changes if nothing changes. It's up to you. Let it begin with me
With those two things in place, we have the ability to be calm in the midst of chaos. It's much easier to deal with when we know what to do. This time...I hope you come first.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I went through this with my AW last month. Out of money and turned to me. I gave her the only answer I could. I don't have enough money to pay both and still provide a place for our son to live and food to eat.
I chose to not take on the guilt of her spending money on something other than her bills.
It get's easier, and it is a mind game. If he doesn't mind letting them slide... why should you?
Please take care of you and know we are here for you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Y'all are all right! I am looking for permission to do what I know I need to do. I have come a long way in the last year since my AH told me he was using crack. He went from a hard working man to nada. It was like as soon as he told me a year ago what was going on, he had the permission to quit pretending.....he quit going to work and that is the way it has been for this past year. I have struggled w/all of the responsibilities.
I did put my "Plan B" into action last year. And I am still in the process of it. We sold our house & I got another one "in my name only". I have all of the bills separated out so separation would go easier. Now I guess I just need to put that part of the plan into action. The actual separating. I am just scared for him. I worry that as soon as I do that, he will get caught up in his already bad depression and go even deeper. I guess that is the bottom he needs to hit....I just have a hard time pushing him off of the cliff. It just doesn't feel right. What kind of person would I be do that to him.....my husband, the father of my children, my closest and only friend since high school? Granted he hasn't been much of any of these things in years.
I guess I know I am ready to move on. I am just so damn scared to do it.
You aren't pushing him off the cliff dear one. He has already made the leap himself. You just keep pulling him back up so he can leap again and again. Did you read david's post from a few days ago "Cutting the rope"? It's awesome.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Christy - I did read the post by David - "Cutting the Rope". And it makes sense to me. I just am not that strong. Everyone in my family & my husband's family tell me how strong I am and how they can't imagine how I have made it this long. But you know....I just feel fake. I feel like I have been pretending to be this strong woman...and really, I am just a chicken shit. Too scared to do what needs to be done b/c I am scared of the consequences everyone will suffer. My AH mostly. I will be alright. Granted money will be tight but hey, they are now. My kids....oh the poor things. They don't understand what in the world is going on. My husband's family.....once I "cut the rope" and he disappears, he may never resurface. How horrible for them! For my kids! I am not so sure I really care for myself any more.....I have settled in to being lonely. It suites me for now. I have my kids to keep me company. I am scared of the unknown. I have never been one for that. Of course there is something appealing about the current unknown's I live w/every day. When will he come home? How long will he be here? Is he going to get a job & help me financially? How much more of my food can this man eat? Is he going to bite my head off if I say or do the wrong thing? What is he doing now? Where is he going? Where has he been? Who has he been with?
All these questions, every day flood me whether he is home or not. If I "cut the rope" and he no longer has my home as an option, then I can eliminate these daily questions. Right?
Arrrggghhh! I am so frustrated. :( I hate limbo. QOD
((((qod) ))))) LOts of questions ! I can understand why you feel like your pushing him off the cliff. It's sure hard to watch someone screw up their life royally. I feel the same with some issues I have. GOOd point from the other reply he made that cliff himself.You didnt cause it you cant cure it and you sure can't control it. pulling for ya, jo
Girl!!! Call me!!! You must be with my husband? Just kidding of course but he could be the same guy. I'll talk to you and try to help you through this. Here's what I would do if it was me (which it's not) write down all the things that need to be done. Prioritize probably storage unit first, etc. put things that need to be done for or paid for him at the very bottom of the list. Then start working on the first thing first and assume he's never coming back. He probably will but it's better to go on the assumption that he wont. Just assume he's gone forever. How does that feel? Are you sad or is it a relief? Does it ease your mind about paying his bills, etc.? It should. He doesn't mind leaving you and the kids without support, he doesn't mind picking drugs over supporting his family. I see it as another woman. He chose it over us/me. Its hard not to feel sorry for them but would they put up with the same bs from you? Just something to think about. You control how you think and feel about things. You can look at it however you want - maybe a new beginning?
THANKS AGAIN EVERYONE - YOU ALL HAVE GIVEN ME MUCH TO THINK ABOUT! Usually I just pretend everything is normal. Life as usual. I go to work, come home, make dinner, clean up the kitchen, give baths, work on the house a bit, go to bed. Maybe tonight I will find a few minutes for me....to just think on it a while.
I am so sorry for this horrible situation!!! I think carolinagirl has a good idea--a plan of action. Start putting that list together and doing something. It will help to stay busy. When I have time to "worry" and think about "what if" then that's what I do, but if I find jobs to do and do some action I am much calmer! Everyone is so right, honey, you did not cause this and you can't keep him from going down, but you can keep from going down with him! Take care of you and your kids. Do what needs to be done for your sanity! You talk positive to yourself--allow no self-guilt!! You are doing what needs to be done! You are strong whether you feel it or not!! You have made it this far! We are wishing you the best.
I am in the same boat, except, my A is in jail right now. I know your frustration, though. On top of all the frustration when my A binged, I worried about his safety. I ruined everything good going in my life. It was all I could think about and all I could focus on. I can relate too about the unknown of cutting the cord being scarier than the familiar chaos and angst of staying put. I wish I had read some of the replies to your post before hiring an attorney for my A. I had other priorities that should have come first. We live and learn. I too, feel so much guilt everytime I try to cut the cord. He will spiral downward...He also reminds me of this, in not so suttle threats..."If I lose you, I will do something stupid". I fear for my safety, because I know part of that he means what he may do to me. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and I am far from figuring things out. I have gotten some great information from visiting this sight. "Don't do anything for six months, while you work the program", "try to go to a face to face meeting", "take care of you". It is hard work.
I have made that my focus this week, even if it means taking time off work. I will get myself to a meeting. I hope just knowing others are working on the same thing you are working on is helpful. I am sending you all my best wishes.
Nothing changes .......unless something changes. I will not echo what everyone else has posted, but I will ask you this..........What do YOU want from life? Just a reminder that YOU have choices! Wishing you the best..................gardengal
Q what do YOU want to do? Do you want to pack his stuff up and be done with him?
My A bailed on me too. Took me awhile, months but now there is nothing left of his here. I don't care if he gets mad. I mean he may have abandoned his stuff becuz he did not care at the time, but guess what? He abandoned ME becuz he did not care at the time.
So why should I care about "stuff" when he did not even care about ME?
You know if I bailed and partied for a week or two and did not call or come home, I would EXPECT to not be welcomed back and expect my stuff to be gone. Aism makes them so arrogant like we are just going to wait. NOT ME.
I learned to put everything in my name only. Divided it all. Then if he went away, I would be ok.
It is sad you have to go thru this. How horribly rude for him to not even call you.
Hugs hon, keep coming back and update us. love,debilyn
