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Well AH came over last Friday and stayed till Sat. and I could barely stand that long. First about 10 mins after he got in the car he asked if we were going to get back together or not (I'm afraid if I say no the support will stop and if I say yes I'm setting myself up) so I say I don't know. He says it's unfair to keep him hanging on like a yoyo and all these NA girls are all over him bla bla bla. So he says he's going to assume it's over and start seeing other people. Now mind you I haven't seen other people at all because I just don't feel right about it (although I am starting to feel righter and righter LOL) Last time jealousy worked and I took him back for fear of losing him forever. I told him this time ok I guess that's what you should do then and I'll do the same. But it is so sad because part of me wants him back or maybe just the idea of him anyway. Then later that night he said he wanted joint custody of our son and that he wanted him to come live with him and have me visit. I almost lost it told him to get his shit together I was taking him home and that would NEVER happen!! I already know that if he got the money together to put up a custody fight I would run back to Washington in the blink of an eye and be where I had family support! That is one of my biggest fears, to lose my son to his stupid alcoholic father (that put it all back into perspective for me). It was an eventful weekend but we all survived. Plus I got some support money :) I don't think he understands how ridiculous it is that he would ask that when he has no license, no car, no place of his own to live. He wants to talk about the future when the past has been horrible and the present is shaky at best. But he is going to meetings, etc. but still playing the same old games and now I see them clearly. At first I just felt the reaction but upon more thought I realized it was just a game same old games. I have to get to the point where I just don't care anymore and I wish that point would hurry up and come!
Well, before we talk about him, let's talk about you. You say that you're afraid to be honest about your feelings to him because you're afraid the support will stop; you also say you're afriad to outright lie because you know that's not fair to either of you and so you find yourself in a bind. The reality is, by waiting for him to make a move and then re-acting to it, you're looking for a scapegoat again. It's the old behavior: I don't want to make a decision, I want you to make it for me, so I can hate you when everything goes wrong, resent you when everything goes right, and live in low self esteem the whole way because of the fact that I don't have a spine to make decisions with. You're also re-acting vs. re-sponding: if you were re-sponding, what you would be doing is using techniques of re-covery learned in the steps; instead, you're setting yourself up for old patterns you've found comfortable, safe and predictable living with an alcholic. After all, it's easier to blame someone that you hate and is hated mutually by others, right? By re-acting, you can say what you DID do, vs what you DIDN'T do. It enables the self victimization cycle that brought you to al anon in the first place. Now, we talk about him. He can do whatever he wants. He's a grown adult, and in the words of Ben Franklin, only two things in this life are inevitable: death and taxes. Technically speaking, not even the IRS can MAKE your husband do ANYTHING. It would be DECENT of him to pay child support, but by the same coin, it would be DECENT and KIND of you to allow him on a regular basis to have him and the kids have private time together. But there again, since the tensions are so high between you, this is why the legal system is involved. Additionally, no judge in their good mind is going to simply up and destroy a current custody agreement without consulting the person that the custody agreement directly affects: your son. They may appoint a Gaurdiam Ad Litem, a lawyer who speaks to the court on behalf of the child, gets legal help for the child (for example, he may petition the court that, as a part of the monthly support, therapy needs to be paid for, or a tutor for ADD needs to be paid for), or, if nothing else, stands in the court room on behalf of the child and says "This is how Johnny feels. This what Johnny wants. Over our meetings, Johnny has said this. Thank you for listening." That makes a difference in custody arraingements. Keep the focus on yourself and live in the solution. So long as you are re-acting vs re-sponding, you are giving away your power and not participlating in recovery. Think about it.
You're probably right in saying it's a game. The "I'm going to see other people" didn't work for him too well so he went to "I'm going to fight for custody". I wouldn't waste my thoughts on it while he is in the position of no home, lisence or car. Ain't gonna happen!! He's yankin your chain. He's trying to keep you walking on egg shells. Sounds like you have some decisions to make...
take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Sick people play on other people's fears. My father (the A) would bully everyone in the household. His biggest weapon was money and shelter. If you did not abide by his rules (filling his needs) he would threaten to throw you out. Keep praying for strength and faith. Your HP will never leave your side and neither will we.
Hi, It's been that way with me and my ex lately too. I think we both feared losing each other for good. However he still keeps messing up and deep down I know that I can't go back to that. I often have those fears that he will try to apply for more custody. He already has our son every weekend. Can you believe that when I told him if he keeps drinking when he's alone with our son that I'd have to do 'something' he said he'd apply for 50/50 custody. Like as a threat! Not because he wants to spend more time with his son. He knows he can't because he works. I don't think they would have much of a chance anyway, financially and with all the evidence of irresponsible behaviour: just keep a journal of all the stuff he does incase he ever does try to get more custody, and try to keep your side of the street clean so he has nothing on you. If you spend time with him, he could say in a court that because you were spending time with him that you really don't think his behaviour is that bad. Because if it was then you would stay away.
I understand about the "you don't know" if you want him. It's hard to just say you don't love him anymore. I think we are in love with the idea of what he can be. It's so hard to realize he is just not going to be that person. I think the idea of him being with someone makes us more mad. Why can he be sooooo good to someone else but couldn't for me and I gave him a child/children? Is this a good man? Will I be alone forever? I know I'm scared of the unknown. I wish my night in shining armor would come along. I think I ticked off my ah. I told him "look, if you can find someone who will put up with you then you should go for it." I told him "I think you need to go out and find you a nice girl who you can drink with and just stay drunk with each other" Of course he didn't like that. He wanted to hear me say "I don't want you with someone else" Didn't happen! He hates that I accept his alcoholism and I build my life away from his alcoholic life. I have only been a good wife, I have been loving,supportive and he could not ask for a better mother for his children. My conscience is clear. I am living happy. Of course the thought of him with another woman doesn't make me happy........he will never know that. We are very territorial, we are woman. lol Good luck hun. Your perfectly normal in how you think ;)
Thanks for that, glad I'm not alone in my crazy thoughts. I keep going back to what a friend said once. What am I afraid of that he will treat someone else like this and I said no that he wont that he'll get better. I like what you said about finding someone else to go drink with. He always talks about all the AA/NA girls who are hitting on him all the time at the meetings and I also once said go for it (laughing) maybe then you can see what it's like. That definitely pissed him off. I'm tired of being treated like I'm the one who messed up, like I'm the one who left poor him and his constant minimizing of what he really did. I am trying really hard to avoid latching on to someone else in order to "get over" him. That's my usual MO and it hasn't worked well for me, but on the other hand I would like to go out, date, see some other people - just nothing serious.
Well I can definitely be incredibly jealous of whoever the A makes the focus in his life even the dog! I can also be way way over involved. I've meddled, controlled and tried to control the A for years. I have stopped now but it is such hard work. These days I just ask do you have enough to pay certain key bills. I leave it at that. I can't tell you how very hard it is not to be in that over reaction, control, blame syndrome but it is progress.
I know for me absolutely the jumping into another relationship is the norm. I've tried that, done the research and know the results but I can still con myself that it is the key for me. I'd do anythng not to work on myself.
I also have a very very hard time surrendering to what I can control. Right now I feel anxious at my job. I'm new, I feel out of it (thats the norm for me). I can only do the best I can that's it. I can try to look for other work but I'm pretty consumed with other projects as well (like trying to get health care with no insurance).
For me it isn't so much getting to the point of not caring about the A. The point for me was to learn how to detach and surrender and since most of my life was about controlling manipulating and over reacting that was pretty hard to give up.
