The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I love the atmosphere in the chatroom, I love the way everyone is like a big family. It has been a lifesaver for me, and loads of other members. Over the last few weeks I have noticed we are receiving a lot of new members. Which is brilliant. But one thing has been bothering me.
When a new member comes in, they are ((((((((((((welcomed))))))))))))) and that is great. BUT, a few of them are staying idle, beacuse they don't know what to say about themselves. I have spoken to a few in pm, and have tried to assure them, they can say exactly what they are feeling. A new member came in the other day, and the roomies were great, But WOW, the questions were comming from all angles...(lol). And that must be scarey for them.
Thinking more encouragement for them to "share with us ", let them tell us about themselves. Will maybe help them settle in the room quicker.
I'm not meaning anything by this post, as I love who you all are, and what you do. Sometimes we all need a reminder now and then.
I understand exactly what you are saying. I have noticed this, too. I have also noticed that when newbies come in during a meeting, they must feel totally lost. A screen comes up saying we are in a meeting, no cross talking, etc. When I was a new member, I didn't even know what cross talk meant, nor did I know what was expected of me during a meeting. And "pm"........that was like a foreign language to me. I don't have the answers to what may be the way to handle these situations, except to say that "maybe" an OP could cross talk just long enough to welcome a newbie with an explanation screen to just them. I don't know......just thinking outloud about something that has bothered me for some time.
I think we really need to be respectful and mindful of the feelings that these newbies might be going through as they enter the room reaching out for help. I think we all want to help them to feel welcome and for them to find the love and caring we have found with each other. We all have good intentions, I know.
This program has so much to offer and so much love and sharing to pour out to so many. I am so thankful we have the opportunity to not only learn and feel it ourselves, but to share it and pass it around to others, as well.
Thank you for the opportunity to be reminded of what the newbies might need, ally, and to express things we might be seeing and offer our own insights on, too.
I think your suggestion is well advised, but I think also it might be suggestive to say that one of the things that makes persons in al anon "qualifiers" for this program is that the desire to "fix" the suffering. We have witnessed suffering in one form or another for an extended period of our lives and have found ourselves uncomfortable with it; as a result, we have developed techniques that allow us to "fix" the person's pain, when we are really seeking solutions that allow us to "fix" our own pain. Rather than letting the person go through the process needed to feel, heal, be real, we try to circumvent their process because we can't bear the idea that they may suffer. This does everyone a disservice, obviously. So when it comes to someone that is unfamiliar with the rooms, what to say, how to say it, if there's anything to say at all, sometimes it's okay to simply let go. We have policies in place to avoid "lurking." We have people with the patience and time to give to people too timid to participate in room group chat and would feel safer with an individual in a more private setting. And it always bears remembring that some peopel have used all their courage to look up the al anon website--that they found this site was more than they could hope for, and that they are witnessing real live "people" chatting about jobs, kids, houses, school, all this is overwhelming for them. The alcholism has become the central feature in their lives and they're trying to imagine their lives as we are living ours: one day at a time. That's a tall order.
I'm pretty new and I get lost. I hear people "sharing" and I have no idea what they are talking about. Maybe I need to learn the rules or the 12 steps or something. Are they posted somewhere? I listen but whatever they are saying doesn't make sense. I have never felt unwelcome but the first time I went into the chat about a week ago, no one pm'd me to let me know what all the buttons were for. I was completly lost. When I tried to talk.......I actually didn't get asked any questions so I felt unimportant. I didn't really expect anything from it, just trying to make some friends in my situation so it was ok. I'm still here ;)
Some people never really do feel comfortable in chat, and that's OK too. It moves pretty fast, and can be confusing. I also agree with Tiger - sometimes we do have the tendency to be codependent with each other. It's a fine line between being helpful and welcoming, and acting out our bad tendencies to do others' work for them. Somehow, though, it mostly all works out, in a rough sort of way.
I think while being concerned for the newcomer also. That we do the best we can in the chatroom as it is a very active room and somtimes it goes to fast to keep up. This is a self help group. Over the years i have seen newcomers come in and out, some stay some dont. We do the best we can to make them feel comfortable. I have found that sometimes newcomers dont want program thrown at them. I basically ask a few questions first i welcome them, then ask if they are new and what brought them to alanon and i let them take it from there to where they want to go or not. So as not to be stressed out to much on them so they are not scared away, also keeping in mind another persons pain who may be sharing at that time. There are times in the room where one member is in alot of pain and we are listening to them and trying to ease thier pain. WE dont forget about the newcomer they are learning as we are speaking also. sometimes learning the language of alanon can also be confusing until they know what it is we are saying.
So i agree with you as to be encouraging. However in my opinion we do the best we can in the chatroom and it is a success as it has been open for years. Sometimes we have to let go and let god and allow him to take over for us when we are overwhelmed with alot of people. And also let the newcomer ask for help themselves as it is a part of recovery to do this. Just as asking someone to be a sponsor is. I know i do my best in the chat room when i am in it. I also think everyone else does also.
My opinion take what ya like
kerry
__________________
Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
I agree 100 percent with what Kerry said. You know we cant be and do everything for everyone. You never know why someone leaves the chat room any more than we know why someone comes to one ftf meeting and doesnt return. Maybe we said something to them and they didnt want to be talked to. Maybe they wanted to be talked to but we didnt say something to them. Who knows!
What I think is important is for each of us to be true to ourselves and pratice the principals of the program in all our affairs. If we do that we can do no more.
It was confusing to me when I first came in the chat room. I sat quietly and listened. Some folks talked to me and I said the bare minimum in return. But what I did was listen and felt the love in the room. And I kept going back. Even when I saw things going on I didn't understand and sometimes things that bothered me alot, I kept coming back.
Why? Because I was ready. An old friend that was there those first times I was in the room had a wonderful thing he would say often, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
