The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i know now why i hit the deer........., i am not blaming anyone, but, upon reflection, i can see that i was exhausted that night. canadian guy mentioned in one of his posts about keeping things bottled up, i do that. i come from a family where you ''don't tell, don't say anything ,and most of all DON'T SHOW EMOTION, IT IS A SIGN OF WEAKNESS''. shared at the meeting that night,[i hit the deer] i have always been the pillar of strength in my family. i am the one every one turns to make things better. i literally have been made into the family saviour. this is where i started to sob......, i can't do it anymore, i can't help them anymore, i can't save them. there is no hope for my husban-he is in the oilfield-these guys poor as much alcohol into themselves as they do diesel into their big 4x4 trucks. i am sobbing and feeling so ashamed. i am vulnerable,tired, worn out, dealing with my own health issues , and........., i can't do ''it'' for them anymore. so......., this is a good place for me to be, i have said before......., ''I DON'T WANT THIS ROLE OF SAVIOUR'', but it is a hard cycle to break. because, even if i don't want it - they do. i read in the ODAT last weak that we cannot by will alone root out these defects of character,these compulsions, and, habitual behavior patterns, they must be replaced. i know today....... i want to replace the ''me'' god i have become with the ''my''god of higher power. thanks again for letting me share my experience, strength and hope. getting it out of me and online to you helps clarify what i am doing. today will be a quiet day......, i feel a bit achy, sore, tired and traumatised by hitting that poor deer.
We have all been here, and if you read these messages you will see it does get better. Try to think about YOU. Do what you want. Follow your programme. It can be very frustrating, and we all want everything TODAY....lol I know I did and still do sometimes.
I so relate to your post of pillar of strength. UGH. Gotta tell you when I first admitted to being human and making a mistake, it hurt like hell to fall off the pedestal and hit the marble floor. With Alanon I learned how to pick myself up, dust myself off.
Here's something else that helped me when I realized I'm not Superwoman any more:
Angela's Word
When Angela was very young, Age two or three or so, Her mother and her father Taught her never to say NO. They taught her that she must agree With everything they said, And if she didn't, she was spanked And sent upstairs to bed.
So Angela grew up to be A most agreeable child; She was never angry And she was never wild; She always shared, she always cared, She never picked a fight, And no matter what her parents said, She thought that they were right.
Angela the Angel did very well in school And, as you might imagine, she followed every rule; Her teachers said she was so well-bred, So quiet and so good, But how Angela felt inside They never understood.
Angela had lots of friends Who liked her for her smile; They knew she was the kind of gal Who'd go the extra mile; And even when she had a cold And really needed rest, When someone asked her if she'd help She always answered Yes
When Angela was thirty-three, she was a lawyer's wife. She had a home and family, and a nice suburban life. She had a little girl of four And a little boy of nine, And if someone asked her how she felt She always answered, "Fine."
But one cold night near Christmas time When her family was in bed, She lay awake as awful thoughts went spinning through her head; She didn't know why, and she didn't know how, But she wanted her life to end; So she begged Whoever put her here To take her back again.
And then she heard, from deep inside, A voice that was soft and low; It only said a single word And the word it said was... NO. From that moment on, Angela knew Exactly what she had to do. Her life depended on that word,
So this is what her loved ones heard: NO, I just don't want to; NO, I don't agree; NO, that's yours to handle; NO, that's wrong for me; NO, I wanted something else; NO, that hurt a lot! NO, I'm tired, and NO, I'm busy, And NO, I'd rather not!
Well, her family found it shocking, (tee hee hee - mine did too) Her friends reacted with surprise; But Angela was different, you could see it in her eyes; For they've held no meek submission Since that night three years ago When Angela the Angel Got permission to say NO.
Today Angela's a person first, then a mother and a wife. She knows where she begins and ends, She has a separate life. She has talents and ambitions, She has feelings, needs and goals. She has money in the bank and An opinion at the polls.
And to her boy and girl she says, "It's nice when we agree; But if you can't say NO, you'll never grow To be all you're meant to be. Because I know I'm sometimes wrong And because I love you so, You'll always be my angels Even when you tell me NO."
Source: Barbara K. Bassett
So my wonderful friend, say no more often, say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. Many, many blessings will come back to you when you learn that magical, two letter word
love Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Oh Jewely...so good to hear you let go like this. You must be exhausted....please be gentle with yourself and take good care. The world goes on without us just as it is meant to....you need not feel so much burden. You do your piece just by being you and being here! I share a poem that friends have shared wit me.... Wlid Geese by Mary Oliver You do not have to be goodYou do not have to walk on your kneesfor a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.You only have to let the soft animal of your bodylove what it loves.Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.Meanwhile the world goes on.Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rainare moving accross the landscapes,over the prairies and the deep trees,the mountains and the rivers.Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again.Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,the world offers itself to your imagination,calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting,over and over announcing your placein the family of things. Peace to you friend,love, fifi
if i could, i would put my arms around you and muffle your sobs and let you know that you don't have to be the ALL. i can't, but there is one that can. when i feel i can't take life for another second, i conciously imagine HP putting big, all-encompassing arms around me. i feel the warmth, the love, the faith, the me, the everything.. the flickering candle in my heart storms back. my toes tingle, my brain relaxes, my eyes fill with tears and light, and i know i'm loved. unconditional, unerroring, unemotional yet all emotional.
love and prayers to you always cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
It really is just a 2 letter sentence. 2 letters and a full sentence. I had to learn it and then practice it and then get up the courage to say it to others especially the alcoholic. "No" say it softly...practice it 90 times. "No" say it loudly...do it 90 times. "No" do it just with body language...practice it 90 times. "No" say it with compassion and understanding...practice it 90 times. "NO" say it with fear!!...practice it 90 times. Practice "No" every which way you can so that you get used to it. It's not "No because" or "No but" or anything but just plain..."No". Visualize it coming from your mouth to whom ever needs to hear you say it and never be affraid to say it when you definitely mean it.
(((((((((((((((dear bubbles)))))))))))))))))), a hug for you,
thank you so much for your love and support. you and the people of mip have been an inspiration to me. especially in area of showing emotion. i remember once something terrible happened to me. after the hospital check and the police brought me home, my dad greeted me at the door and opened his arms to hug me [very rare], i started to cry........, he said "don't cry'', i sank to the floor leaning against the wall and asked why?why should i not cry at a time such as this? he said ''crying is a sign of weakness''. from that day on, i knew, no matter how bad it gets, you don't cry, it is a sign of weakness. i have noticed that men of that generation seem to think that way, today, i feel fortunate, i am learning that it is okay to show emotion and not feel ashamed.
thank you for being my friend in recovery, blessings, jewely
