After five months of rehab now what will happen? - Al-Anon Family Group

Marianne · Member

After five months of rehab now what will happen?

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

Short answer to your question is "Who knows?" Long answer - if you put your focus on doing what is best for you, and take it slowly, one day at a time, your next step will always come to you. If it doesn't that may be a sign that you should do nothing just yet. There are many of us here who have gone through our A's recovery, and the one thing in common is that we need to get out of the way of their recovery, and work on our own. Welcome, there is help for you here. Read our literature (you can get it from links at the top of the page, or from official alanon sites, or from ebay or amazon, or from the public library, or, best of all, go to a face to face meeting and you can buy or borrow it there). Get to a meeting if you can, come here to post and read on the board and to chat (we have meetings here, too). Eventually, you will hear things that resonate with you, and can start making changes. Not everything will apply to you - we expect you to take the parts of the program that you can, and leave the rest.

Marianne · Member

Thank you so much Lin XXX

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Marianne :)

My best suggestion is to find a meeting A.S.A.P and get started on "your" journey. He has his own path to walk. He very well may not be able to be there for you. That's where Alanon can help.
Walking on eggshells because they've been in rehab isn't the answer. He knows what he has to do and what it takes to get there.
Why not attend some meetings and figure out what you need and how to get there? There are online meetngs in the chatroom daily and it's open 24/7.
There's always someone that understands and has been where you are, even in the loss of your child...I know that pain also.
Alanon can't promise that your relationship will work out, but if you work it, you can keep your sanity and have peace in your life.

Christy

Fifi · Senior Member

Welcome Marianne! So glad you have found us!
My boyfriend just came home from rehab, and it has been wonderful, but also very difficult for us. I am dealing with emotions I bottled up/denied for the past year...he is dealing with emotions he has not dealt with for 13 years! What has been helpful to me has been....1. I made a list of what I liked while he was away and I try to maintain that positivity for myself...I even shared some of it with him and he has respected my needs. 2. keep space for me 3.we learned quickly that too much talking about heavy topics got us one step forward two steps back...so we have fasts in a way...no heavy talk for a day or two to get grounded again. 4. we both practice our own recovery actively in our own way. 5. we have a code phease..."lets be carefull" we say when conversations start leading us to an emotionally scarey place..we cool out with a hug and drop it at that moment and discuss it later when we are steadier. 6. We DO things together...getting better by getting busy...
And most of all I try to remember me...and take time away ...even just a few minutes to settle down, take a deep breath, sense the presence/guidance/protection of my hp as I know it.
All this said....it is hard hour by hour ....just as hard as when he was drinking/using...just different.Luckily I know I will survive. And he says he will too for him. Progress....certainly far from perfection.
Good luck to you...hope you find some of what you need here.
Love, fifi

-- Edited by Fifi at 17:44, 2007-01-27

Friendofyours · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry you lost your son. As a mother, that would be my worst nightmare. (hugs) I agree with the other poster....who knows. All you can do is try. Sometimes things just do not work out and sometimes they just do. I'm sure since the passing of your son you realize just how precious life is. So do not think of a BIG picture. Live in the moment. Don't worry about what your going to talk about. I believe in the Lord and there are two words I live by and maybe you can give it a shot ;) It says "BE STILL"
We are here for you all the time when you need us. Your boyfriend should have his support in place. If it's meant to work out it will. If not, you sound very put together and I'm sure you will know. Good luck sweetie. BE STILL :)

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Mariane welcome to mip , now what you ask ? Now u start over , sobriety is not the answer to all problems but it sure helps . I hope tht u will find al anon f2f meetings as quickly as u can your going to need support from people who have been where your at. We need to stay out of thier face and off thier backs , get our lives back on track and the good news is u only have to do this one day at a time. Enjoy sobriety don't miss the good days . Just remember that nothing u do or say will cause them to drink again were simply not that powerful . good luck Louise

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((Marianne)))))))),

Welcome to the MIP family. Here you find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and a bit of humor (good for the

). I am so sorry for the loss of your son. What a handsom man he was.

As to what to expect when your partner gets home, not a clue. Hopefully his sobriety will continue, 5 months in rehab is a long time. But he has been given the tools for his recovery. I know that feeling of walking on eggshells. So don't walk on eggshells. I was so afraid that if I said or did the wrong thing, I would "trigger" my A and he would relapse. Well guess what, he did anyway. As a councelor once told me after another attempt at rehab, I may "trigger" him, but I am NOT RESPONSIBLE for him acting on his triggers. He has a choice to make, to drink or not. I have nothing to do with it.

Now is your time to work on your recovery. Your recovery must be about you and for you, regardless if he continues his recovery or not. My hubby is now 8 months sober and I can tell you that the dynamics of a sober relationship differ from that of an active relationship. Before I found Alanon I did not know how to handle his constant relapses. I wish I had found Alanon sooner. But I am greatful that I did. I continue to work my program and he continues of his path of recovery. We try and go to AA meetings together, and do our daily meditation readings together. That has helped bond us even closer. I no longer walk on eggshells with him. I think before I speak, and I try to say what I mean, but not say it mean. I can be a bit bull headed at times. One of my faults that I am trying to correct. I have learned to be more patient with him. I trust him again to make the choices he needs to make. I trust myself to do the same for myself.

Remember to patient with him, if he's gone alot to his meetings. Recovery (ours and theirs) is a selfish thing. It has to be. It's how we survive. You will learn many things at your Face to face (f2f) meetings. If you can't make it to one in your area, please join us for our online meetings. Come and chat with us anytime you need to. You are not alone on your path to recovery. Many of us have been where you are.

Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Marianne!!

Your post was scarey for me. I remember when I was at the "no knowing" "unsuspecting" stage and it was terrifying. Here is what I learned that worked for me and others have mentioned some of it also. Get to as many open Al-Anon Family group meetings as you possible can over the next 90 days. (I got to over 100 because there were over 439 meetings a week within 50 miles of the city. Tells you how profound a disease alcoholism is.) Secondly make one meeting your home meeting and start looking around for a sponsor in the program. Sponsors have done it before us and know the way. They don't advise or tell us what to do. They tell us what it was like for them, what they found out and how they do it now that works for them. Get a sponsor who has a sponsor cause they are walking the walk not just talking the talk.
Thirdly...lots of Al-Anon literature and read it all from pamphlets to the daily meditation readers such as the ODAT (One Day At a Time in Al-Anon), Courage to Change and Hope for Today. Some would suggest that you also read the AA Big Book or portions of it. That is a good idea however practice focusing on a relationship with a Higher Power (one greater than yourself and the Alcoholic in your life), a more healthy relationship with yourself and a more healthy relationship with your alcoholic and others. Al-Anon has GREAT relationships we will love you until you learn how to love yourself and never, never, never tell you that you should do something that we have no personal experience about.

So those are three suggestions..."take what you like and leave the rest" and I took them and it saved my spirit and life. I am deeply awed and grateful at this simple program.

So we don't know how it will be for you. We only know how it was for us and you are welcomed to try that.

Keep coming back.

Yours in service and lots of (((((((hugs))))))))

AndiLynn · Senior Member

Marianne,

No one knows what will happen. I can only tell you from my own experiences what happened for me. My A had been in rehab twice, did well for awhile after each visit but slowly went back downhill each time. So he obviously was not ready to change. I went through a long period of time not knowing where our relationship was going to end up, and then the last part of 2005 I was seriously planning for his death because he had gotten so bad. (He is also a crack addict) When he wouldn't come home I was no longer waiting for him to come home, but waited for either a phone call from a doctor or a police officer at my door to tell me they had found him. This became too much for me so I put it in my HP's hands, this doesn't mean I still didn't worry, just that I got it so I could bear it. My A eventually had enough after one bad binge, he had blown $4000 and when he returned home 2 days later I told him that I was not expecting him to be alive. That was all I said. A week later he decided he needed to change and found himself a wonderful program. We are still together and slowly putting our relationship back. I am there to support him, but I focus on me and let him focus on him. I found what has worked best is to let him sort of take the lead in certain areas. I know I can't do it for him, but need to support him and sometimes it can be hard to know when you are crossing the line. That's why I let him lead, so to speak. We have also made sure that we opened the lines of communication between us. Each knows they can go to the other about anything with only 1 rule.....to approach the other in a respectable, loving and adult manner. I stopped worrying about whether we would be able to work things out and just sort of picked up my oars out of the water and let that boat drift. I figured I would just see where the current was going to take us. I had too many other things to do than worry about something I only have partial control over (it takes 2 to make it and 2 to break it). I also felt that until both of us were well into our recoveries there was no sense in worrying about the relationship. How could we work on a joint effort when we were still learning to work alone? lol
It is a year later and we are now begining to do some serious work on us, both of us have changed in some ways after the "experience" we have been through, so in some ways it is fun getting to know each other over again.
Just be patient and keep your focus on you. Go to meetings where you can hear others stories and ask questions. It helps so much.

Andi

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.