The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new here. I've read many posts, but finally today, I decided to register. I've been realizing I need help, but mostly too angry to get it.
This past Christmas, I broke off an engagement with my A. He is also the father of my 4-year-old daughter. The first couple of weeks were unbearable. Fortunately we don't live together and actually live about an hour apart. He lives with his parents because he spends too much money on Vodka that he can't afford rent. The distance has been my savior.
We've been together almost 7 years, and from the beginning I told him I would NEVER marry him if he was still drinking. I wanted to leave so many times over the last seven years, but when I would suggest it, he would threaten to kill himself. Once he actually went into the basement and put a loaded rifle in his mouth. I had to stop him. He didn't have any real intention of pulling the trigger, but he was drunk. God knows he could've done it by accident. Needless to say, his guns have been removed from his house. Another time he took an overdose of blood pressure medication (again, he was drunk) and his mother called an ambulance. He found himself in the CCU with tubes in is nose pumping charcoal into his stomach.
Anyway, the last 7 years have been full of all the things you talk about in so many of these posts. I was constantly trying to "help him" and all he did was twist reality to try to keep me off balance.
My new-year's resolution for 2006 was to learn detachment. I bought the Melanie Beatie books and I think I was getting pretty good at it. I stopped fighting with him when he was drunk. I didn't really even talk about it much when he was sober. They really don't listen anyway. He noticed the distance and got very upset. I even told him "Look, you're not going to live much longer and I have a daughter I'm going to have to raise by myself. That's my reality, and that's what I get to live with. I'm going to continue to live my life with or without you. It is what it is."
Fast-forward to the past few months. . .he is an insulin-dependent diabetic. He had what everyone thought might have been a diabetic seizure, but now I'm not sure. He ended up in the ER and found his kidneys were starting to fail. He snapped and started taking the best care of himself. Neither his parents nor I could believe it. I started to become hopeful that a marriage was actually possible. Well, that lasted about a month, until he went to the doctor and found his kidneys were back on track. It was acute kidney failure, not chronic, brought on probably by dehydration and taking combinations of medication that he shouldn't have taken. So, dodged that bullet. No reason to keep trying, right.
I prayed to God for him to "sh*t or get off the pot" because this suffering has to end. For him, for me, for his family, for everyone. It can't go on. If death was the only answer, I was okay with it. Almost wished for it. Isn't that terrible?
My 2007 message to him . . . Good luck with that! It's my way of saying I hope you succeed, but I can't help you. I can only continue to wish you good luck. He hated it. He went over the deep end and was drinking 24-7, about a fifth-a-day. His mother called me telling me that if he killed himself it would be my fault and she would never forgive me. Finally on Jan 8th, around 1am he got in his truck (in his underwear) and wrapped it around a tree. He staggered away with just bumps and scratches. He spent the night in jail and his lovely mother bailed him out the next day.
He's been sober ever since. He started going to AA on the 13th. He says he's committed to 90 meetings in 90 days and that he realizes he ruined his life and he's never going back. He has been to a meeting every day since and last Sunday he went to 2 meetings because in the evening he was feeling bad after talking to me and realizing that I haven't forgiven him and I'm not ready to come back. I don't know if I ever will.
He really is VERY different! He loves AA and calls me about each meeting to tell me what he's learned. I laugh because everything he says, I've told him in the past. His answer is always "You don't get it. I wasn't listening to you. I was just trying to figure out what to say/do to get you to stay. Everything except give up my best friend."
I cry so much. I cry more now than when he was drinking. Then I was angry. Now I'm scared. This is suppose to be the answer to my prayers. What am I suppose to do now? Can I forgive? Can I trust him? Are the scars too deep?
You're in the right place. Don't beat yourself up for not trusting your A. Trust, once broken, takes a very, very long time to re-establish - and in some instances, it's just not possible. And if yours has been sober since 1/8, and going to AA since the 13th, that's only what, 2 weeks? Not long, really.
You said: "If death was the only answer, I was okay with it. Almost wished for it. Isn't that terrible?" It's not terrible; it's human. Been there, felt that way.
I've got three kids - 7-1/2, 6 and 4. Their dad totalled his car on 12/30 and on 1/12 went into a one-year rehab program. And I'm not sure that is going to be enough - or if he'll stick with it. But it's up to him, not me. My job is to take care of me and the kids, not him. Take care of yourself and your daughter, and keep coming back. We're here if you need ESH, a shoulder to cry or or just to vent.
my story is pretty much like urs... except i am very thankfu i do not have any children with my ex boyf. the "A".
im 26 in 2 weeks time.. i was going out with my boyf. for 2 yrs... we were even living together.. before the madness of drink and drugs tore us apart.
i like you had listened to sooo many promises.... so many suciide attempts, so many broken promises... "i have learned my lesson..please take me back..i am nothing without you...ur my soulmate, lover and best friedn rolled into one.. and i lost you..i hate myself for it.. and if you give me 1 more chance i promise you i will never hurt you again..i want you to be proud of me... i love you with al my heart and soul..please dont give up on US"
lines like that... i heard after every time he came out of rehab or hospital after trying to kill himself. i got sick of the lies, i do not trust an inch of him...
that is why i left. and never went back.
i cant live a lie... i cant live with an addict, they are selfish lying manipulative people who suck u in to their self pity and lies. the addicts world is CHAOS and i cud not live in it.
i hope you do find what ur looking for here, many people in here will offer yo support and advice, alot of people stay with their partners, others will leave them.. it all depends on ur own situation and how you can cope.
i wish you every luck and happiness... but one piece of advice.. ur mans mother has to learn to LET GO and stop bailing him out... he's NOT 5 yrs old. she needs to GROW UP. and STOP BLAMING YOU FOR HIS F**KING PROBLEMS.
it makes me soo mad... coz none of this is UR FAULT> its HIS choices, HIS LIFE, HIS SCREW UPS> you need to take care of you and ur child.
keep coming back.. we are always here to listen.
(i remember all to well, the pain, the intense heartache, the anxiety, the not eating, the not sleeping, the sheer feelings of frustration, being so lost and alone and praying that everything wud just go normal.. but it wud never happen.. i cant go back to that place.. so i did the one thing i cud to save my own sanity... i walked away. to answer ur last question.. NO i was hurt by him SOOOOOOO many times... i cud never trust him again.)
If death was the only answer, I was okay with it. Almost wished for it. Isn't that terrible?
Don't beat yourself up over it. I had fully accepted that my husband's drinking would end up killing him. I wished for it occasionally...once out loud to him. Take it as a sign of what his drinking is doing to you... you don't want to be the person who would wish harm on another.
Welcome to what will feel like you've come home "How"
Just like he has to work his program, now it's up to you if you are going to work yours. There's help and encouragement whether the Alcoholic is still drinking or not. Sometimes it may be harder when they are sober (believe it or not) regarding relationships so just keep coming.
Regarding your MIL, please, please don't ever believe that "nonsense" one bit. It's just a lie. Seems like that's where he learned his manipulation and guilting tactics from.
Take good care of your daughter. I am so proud of you for putting her needs before his. I wish my mother had had the courage to show my Dad the door. He was the A in my life. As a result, here I am.
And finally I share a Melody Beattie that has saved me over and over again when my distorted thinking thinks I can handle a relationship with an A:
Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge.On one side of the bridge, it is cold and dark.We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain.Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain.Some drank; some used other drugs.Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior.Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people’s pain to distract us from our own pain.Many of us did both:We developed an addictive behavior and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people.We did not know there was a bridge.We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky.Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time.We saw the bridge.People told us what was on the other side:Warmth, light, and healing from our pain.We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn’t listen.They couldn’t see it; they couldn’t believe.They were not ready for the journey.We decided to go alone, because we believed and because people on the other side were cheering us onward.The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see and feel that what we had been promised was real.There was light, warmth, healing and love.The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side.Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done.No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge.Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right.Some will come; some will stay on the other side.The choice is not ours.
We can love them.We can wave to them.We can holler back and forth.We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us.But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty.It is where we are meant to be.We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another’s time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place.And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today’s reminder:I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing.I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that.I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed.I know that where I am now is a better place and that is where I am meant to be.
yours in recovery,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I wouldn't worry too much just yet about what to do if he really sobers up. Just keep working your own program, get yourself healthier, and you will see what you will see. The best thing you can do, both for him and for yourself, and for your child, is to get better. There is no need to rush into anything, and if he is really taking recovery seriously, he will know that too (even if he does not admit it). He needs to focus on himself, and you need to focus on yourself, for quite some time.
This sounds EXACTLY like me over the last three months. I felt good about accepting my new freedom. I was free from the empty promises he always dished out. I have actually saved a $300 check he wrote to me once when I loaned him money. I was suppose to "save it until Friday" when he got paid. On Friday, he warned me not to cash it because the money was gone. I've held it in his face before and told him that I keep it to remind me of all the empty promises he's ever made to me.
It looks like you met MIL. You sure have her number. Don't worry, I don't let his mother upset me. I know (and I've told him) she is the biggest enabler in his life. I actually told her that if he killed himself, she should only blame herself because she never made him grow up and that our four-year-old daughter is more grown up than he is. That was wrong. That should never have been said, but I was angry. I spoke to his brother about the conversation and told him I understand that she is a mother and she is scared for her son. She's only being defensive and I will not hold that over her head. I know it isn't my fault. I even talked to my A about it. He agreed that I cannot blame myself for ANY of his actions. WOW.
In writing these posts, I've realized that I'm upset because letting of him gave me the freedom and stability and rest that I wanted for so long. Then he actually quit drinking. Now my world is upside down again. I thought the crap was over. Now it's worse.
We went to dinner last night and I told him that although I'm proud of his nearly 3 weeks in recovery and proud that he's going to AA every day - 90 meetings in 90 days. I don't want to dimish that accomplishment in any way. But the flip side is, it's only 3 weeks and I need time to determine if these wounds will heal. I told him I actually hoped he would spend 90 days in jail for his accident, because that would give me 90 away from him. I want peace of mind and I'm not going to get it any time soon.
I know all this stuff is hard to sort out... But is there a deadline you need to meet? There is no decision that has to made today. It might give you some peace of mind to just observe for a while. Take time to heal yourself while he is doing what he needs to do. Two people in early recovery have a hard time making informed decisions. Sit back, relax, watch and heal my friend.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Welcome! So glad you are here. I have been here for the past month and what I have gained has been more supportive than I ever could have imagined! I hope you find something that helps you....as is said - take what you like and leave the rest. My boyfriend came home from rehab 2 weeks ago after being gone 6 weeks. I hear the pride and happiness and hope in your voice that I feel as well and it is wonderful. To love someone so much and to see them have this transformation is miraculous...many have seen this place many times and I know it is realistic to consider relapse and all....but I for one pray this is THE time for him and I celebrate his changes all through the day...recognizing his strength from a deteched place makes me feel strong too...the power of change...it is beautiful. All that said, I too am unsure, struggling with trust, wondering why I put up with what I did, fearfull of remaking this relationship. You mention scars...in my case they are still wounds. I am emotional and worn out. I have 2 small children to raise. He is often irritable and tired - understandably for us both! I question every day can a relationship really happen while we both recover? It has been helpful for us to take days away from heavy talks - but then we feel distant - blah blah blah. What has helped me....alone timereading and posting herereading melody beattiepaying attention to when i feel strongpaying attention to when i feel weakforgiving myself allowing myself all emotionsexercisewatching my kids playtherapywork
I send you love in these early recovery days....they have been so hard for me....but worth it I think for the changes we as individuals are making.Where WE will be.....only time will tell. Keep coming back. love fifi
You will probably never fully trust him again and that's ok. It's your saftey mechanism. I hope and pray he is one of the few that actually stay sober. My best friend died in Aug from alcoholism and my ah is soon on his way too. :( Day by day, moment by moment. Your in my prayers. ^i^
I have been going through this too. It is hard to trust them. The father of my son and I have been separated, we were never married, he said on New Years Eve he wanted to make a change and for us to be together as a family again. But there was a problem, he kept saying 'what are we going to do', and 'why can't we still be together (spend time and sleep together) while I work on this'. I kept saying that I have been so hurt though, lots of bad memories, I just can't trust him and he will have to build it up. I gave him a chance and tried to trust him and give him space to rebuild it. Well he blew it last night. After less than a month I found him drinking again, and while our son was with him which he said he wouldn't do. Our son is 19 months old. Someone once told me just assume that he is drinking even when he says he's not and live accordingly. I will never again invest more in him than I'm prepared to loose -emotionally and financially.
"If death was the only answer, I was okay with it. Almost wished for it. Isn't that terrible?"
I think many of us have thought this. I know I did as well as a few others I have spoken with in here. I think it just tells us how badly we have been affected by the disease and that its time for us to stop worrying about them and start working on us.
What you do now is, put all your energy into you. Get yourself healthy, put off all major decisions until you can make one without doubting your motives.
As far as forgiving him......you forgive him more for yourself than to make him feel better. All that anger and resentment will eat you up inside.
The trust wasn't broken overnight and it surely is not going to come back overnight. It will take awhile to be earned back, how long that takes and if it happens is different for everyone. There is no set rule.
Concentrate on you while he concetrates on him. I also think that in many cases as we get healthy ourselves it gives the A the ability to also concentrate on their program. You will know if and when you are ready to start working on your relationship with him, but for now, work on you.
