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My exA is very mad at me. His sister just let it slip to him that she knows hes drinking again. Admittidly, I did tell her......well, she asked me...and I couldn't lie to her. All the signs were there and she is not stupid. (She didn't say I told her)
He was sober for a short time last year and somehow kept of the facade of being sober in front of his family. He lives an hour away and they don't often see him.
I did tell him that I felt it was unfair to expect me to "keep his cover for him". (This sounds crazy doesn't it?). He made it clear that he would be very annoyed with me if I went behind his back...as he sees it.
Frankly I think I did him a favor. Why should I keep up his stupid game of pretence. I did not go to his family. They were concerned and came to me. He expected me to lie. Why should I!
On the rare occasion he saw them he was argumentitive and awkward....even hungover on one occasion. I know you could smell the alcohol on his breath.
Anyway, we are now seperated, but live in the same town. I see him sometimes. I expect him to challenge me on this....I don't know what to expect...I am quite worried. I don't know how to handle it. Should I deny telling her...or face up to it.....
Hmm I think they would probably work it out for themselves as you say (if he smelled of alcohol etc) eventually if you hadn't told them, I suppose it depends how involved you want to be with him and his family. If you are broken up then perhaps it is not your problem any more, because now that you have said something you are involved. He shouldn't get mad at you for not covering for him, I don't think you have to talk to him if you don't want to. I think if this happened to me in the past I'd be telling his family about him in (secretly) hopes that they might be able to fix him or see what he's really like. What were your motivations behind telling them when you could have said nothing (and said nothing for you, not because he wanted you to).
I have had to make the same choice. Time and mistakes brought me to the conclusion that telling the truth is the right answer for me if I choose to answer, even with the backlash it sometimes created. My other standard reply is, "It would be best to ask him that.".
Deny or face it? I faced it. Upside is I created a boundary, he knows I will not lie for him and I kept honesty my #1 priority. Downside, I get lied to more, and contradicted to the point that his family thinks everything I said is a lie and that I am crazy
My motivations, well, at the time it was obvious he was drinking. They could smell it on his hungover breath.
When he left the room his sis asked if he had been drinking. I had not intended discussing this with them...I was put on a spot...it would have been stupid to lie....the evidence was pretty obvious....
He knows his family will have no more to do with him if they know he's drinking (his words). This is why he wants to keep his big secret!
I do not want to cover for him, and did my best not to enable his drinking......
Lying for him is a form of enabling. You would have been covering his tracks and preventing him from facing the consequences of his own actions. Since his sister came to you and asked, you were not leaking his information, only answering a question honestly. I think Jennifer's suggestion is great, "You should ask him." Especially since you are broken up, you can also say "Sorry, but that is no longer any of my business.
Alcoholics project their anger at themselves to those around them. He is really more mad that he got caught.
Keeping the big secret for the alcoholic never is a good thing. Lies only turn in to bigger lies. If he confronts you could simply put this back on him where it belongs. Not your prblem. It's HIS disease, HIS idea to cover up, HIS lie and HIS problem. Why is everyone walking on egg shells with your A?
This is what makes us so sick to begin with. He will never get better as long as all this secrecy and enabling is going on. No one should be able to manipulate us in to lying for them. To me, there is no dilemna here. I told my A long ago "I will no longer lie or cover in any way to your protect your disease".. I protected that boundary through some pretty uncomfortable times but in the end, I was the honest one and that is never wrong.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 13:12, 2007-01-26
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I like what Jennifer said "It would be best to ask him that." -that is a good one, I will have to remember that. In that sense you are neither covering for him nor getting involved, it's completely neutral. Jennifer's right- he or his family could later call you a liar even though you know you were telling the truth, it's part of the denial. I understand though that you said you felt put on the spot. But he wouldn't be able to put some blame on you for his being found out if you had made them ask him directly, you wouldn't have to deal with any of them.
He made a point of contacting me to ask me if I had spoken to his sister. He was scary.
I just said it was none of my business anymore whatever he did, and that his family were not stupid. Our relationship is over. During our relationship I made it clear to him that I would not cover up for him. I would not lie for him.
He shouted at me in the conversation, and threatened me. I felt like a hostage. Then he said he was sick of me and ordered me to get out of his sight. He didn't need to ask twice!
Then the calls to apologise started........ I think his brain is just so absorbed in alcohol he has lost nearly all of his reasoning.
Thanks for helping me through this. Its over now I think.
