The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
wow, it is just one thing after another lately. if i was superestitious........, i would think the grim reeper is out to get me. this summer i experienced a fire. i was sitting in my camper van, all packed up and ready to go, when i saw flames, i jumped from my vehicle ,the impact of the explosion pushed me away from the fire. i live soooooo far out of town, that by the time the fire truck got here the fire had died down. lost some trees, saved the house, van and entire contents gone. and, i didn't have so much as a bruise. fine...., dreamt of fire and explosions for awhile, but, i am okay. tonight driving to town, hit a deer. HARD !!!! hit her broadside. the front end of my vehicle is a mess. just the other day, i was exclaiming how fortunate i feel not to have ever hit a deer in the twenty years i have been driving these alberta back roads. today i did . the poor thing, she didn't die right away, and, i think she had her baby with her. talk about a bambi moment. mother deer dead in the ditch, bambi running to the woods. anyway, some men stopped, checked the vehicle, body is in bad shape but the motor and fan and all the under the hood stuff seems good. so i continued on my way to town. guess where i was off to...... an open aa meeting. made it to the meeting, when it came time for me to speak i broke down, i sobbed. i don't really like to do that at meetings. [isn't that sponser what sponsers are for?] i don't think i was crying just for the deer. but every thing. i am so sensitive lately. this stuff with my daughter and granddbaby, my husband is a crisis in motion, i just smashed my vehicle and killed a poor defenseless animal. i seem to be going through some post brain stuff from when R--n died. i am usually fairly optimistic but lately i find myself wondering......................, do i want to be here? will this ever end? what next? and, what the H_LL is going on? have i tapped into some higher power that gets it's kicks out seeing me go through this? i am soooo embarressed because i broke down at the meeting. after the meeting i thought people seemed uncomfortable with me. so i am thinking i did it again. baring my soul caused them pain. i have no business opening up and breaking down. except i didn't plan to cry. i just planned to be there. for myself, to help me on this journey to wellness. i know i am not the only one to experience problems. i hear that at meetings. but, i would lilke for things to start getting better at some point . i feel like murphy's law and i have become best friends.
((((((((jewely))))))))) Life can sometimes seam very crewl. I know first hand. You think things are getting better, then BBBBBBBBaAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMM something else happens. My suggestion would be to keep the faith! Dont forget your God and I would highly suggest to TRY ever so hard to find positive out of a negative situation. I know it can be so hard, but in the end, you'll thank yourself. I am not sure that I have seen you in the chat rooms, but I have spent the last year dealing with crisis after crisis. My son was diagnosed w/cancer at 17 months old. He is now almost 2 and a half. He had such a tough time. One thing after another. I kept my faith and kept my contact w/God and I tried ever so hard to find positives. I'll share a couple with you. One, I met some of the most wonderful caring doctors and nurses in our oncology team. Sad to say, but now that we dont' go up weekly, I actually miss them. Two, I met some children and parents that did have it harder than me. One gal was a single mom with other children. She was an inspiration. Three, I learned through my son's eyes that just because there is something "wrong" with someone, you don't have to treat them any differently. My litt'l man would say hi to a man or woman whom was walking, in a wheelchair, using crutches, it didn't matter. He did not discriminate. He loved and smiled to them all.
I understand, a couple months ago I was feeling like a cloud of doom. It just seemed everything I got involved in or touched or wished about something would happen to cause problems, BIG problems. It gets better. This too shall pass.
My Mom had a fire at her house, she was not home but has mentioned having dreams of fire. Less now then when it first happened. Support people have said that a fire changes most people forever in various ways, I've seen changes in both her and my stepDad. Most important is that you are alive and well.
You said : i have no business opening up and breaking down.
Where the heck else can you open up if not at a meeting?
May I suggest ODAT. These are all different instances, different days, even different years etc. Try not to add them up and count them. We tend to forget that there are good days in between. How about focusing on those? We are all going to have really bad days, really bad things can happen. The trick is to let them pass and don't put them in a collection basket to carry around with you. One day at a time, one problem at a time...and don't forget to count the good days in between.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I don't know why it is that as people, we kind of naturally are uncomfortable with showing our real emotions.... (I used to think it was just us men, but it really is not). I'm pretty sure that when I started in Al-Anon, I was worried about crying, or losing control, etc..... The reality is that sometimes we NEED to cry, let stuff out, and let others in.... It's part of our healing process, in that as we share some of our pain, we can ask others for help, learn from each other, etc....
Keeping it all bottled up inside of us is a good way to get a direct one-way fare to the "Funny Farm", in my humble opinion. I, for one, am glad that you are making breakthroughs.... it is all a part of YOUR recovery.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
((((jewely)))) Now is the time to tie a knot in the end of your rope and hold on tight. We will be here for you. HP will be here for you too. Sounds like you are very overwhelmed, dealing with lots of things, your grandbaby, the loss of your dear son, and who knows what else. You are on overload. So glad you are here. It always helps me to know that there are other people going thru a lot of the same thing I am, even if it is sometimes different situations. But we are all dealing with pain, confusion, frustration. Just wanted to let you know you are important. I will keep you in my prayers. Do something nice for yourself everyday. Even something small.....buy a pack of gum you like. (There was a time I wouldn't even spend a few cents on myself for a pack of gum, when my A was out spending lots of $$$ for his beer and cigs, so this was an important step for me!)Find a few minutes by yourself to just go limp and relax. Light a sweet-smelling candle, close your eyes, and just think about the fragrance. Let your mind rest. Will keep you in my thoughts. Love in Recovery, Becky1
I can so understand how you feel. Some traumatic stuff happening hon through no fault of your own. It's loss and grief. I once hit a dog -- stupid owners never kept track of him. I was completely devastated. I even hate hitting a squirrel and they are rats
Wow my meetings sure are different. When one of us cries, the rest let them get it all out, someone hands a tissue or puts their arm around them and then at the end of the meeting, everyone is over offering support, love and encouragement.
A new Martina McBride song hit me as I read your post hon and here it is:
You can spend your whole life buildin' Something from nothin One storm could come and blow it all away Build it anyway
You could chase a dream That seems so out of reach And you know it might not ever come your way Dream it anyway
God is great but sometimes life aint good And when I pray It doesn't always turn out like i think it should But I do it anyway I do it anyway
This worlds gone crazy And it's hard to believe That tomorrow will be better than today Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all you heart For all the right reasons And in a momemt they can choose to walk away Love 'em anyway
God is great but sometimes life aint good And when I pray It doesn't always turn out like i think it should But I do it anyway Yeah I do it anyway
You can pour your soul out singin' A song you believe in That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang Sing it anyway Yeah sing it anyway
I sing I dream I love anyway
yours in recovery,
Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
got up today, filed police report , insurance claim, and, all the paper work that goes along with hitting a deer. my husband did a stupid thing, i told him it was a stupid thing, and he fixed the stupid thing, right away, without getting mad. i talked to him about the troubles i see with our daughter. i told him i usually don't say anythingto him about her because i am afraid he will go on a binge and blame me. said i couldn't hold things in anymore, she is ''our'' daughter not just mine. he only seems to like to hear the good things. lately there isn't much good to tell concerning what is going on in her life. i didn't tell him everything i know [i am just to morally emabarrassed to talk to anyone about certian things] but at least he listened, over chinese food. it was nice. so what the heck is going on? Al-anon, i can't beleive the difference you people make in my life. but, as maria said, believe it anyway.
