The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've noticed lately on the board there's alot of shared pain. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm also noticing that lately there's alot of feeling bogged down in the now, as in "I cannot see how things are going to get any better! My life's a mess, I cannot believe the new low we've reached, and did I tell you what he did the other day?!" I'm sorry to hear that, too. Because what I'm really hearing is people seem to forget that this too, will pass. Got a great story to show you how life will move on with or without you, no matter if you give it permission to or not. Many of you know I've gone through the process recently of applying for graduate school. Part of the process is to get official copies of all former universites attended. One of the universities I attended previous to now was Wittenberg. Wittenberg has a rather stringent privacy policy that allows it to insist that the paper work be filled out in person by anyone who wishes one thing or another of the institution. This meant that for me to have them ship official transcripts to Wright State school of graduate studies, I had to trek up there, fill out the paper work, pay the fees in person (woe be it to the folks who don't live within the state!). A few things stood out as soon as I went there. Before I went, I made sure to pray. I also made sure to do an inventory of my emotions, and I realized I felt very very guilty about my past at Wittenberg--I felt like I had amends due to many many people. Before making any amends, I check with another person in recovery. When I called this other person in recovery, as we talked, it became clear of one thing: Time had passed! People had moved on since I had been at Wittenberg! People had gotten over whatever wrongs I had done to them, and it was better to let sleeping dogs lie in this case. "It would behoove you to remember, Sarah," said my friend, "People do stupid things in college, at Harvard, or in Havana; colleges have policies to deal with stupidity for this exact reason. I have a feeling you'll go up there and no one will even recognize you. They just won't remember you." Boy was this the case! As I drove around the series of one way roads that led around my old stompin' ground, my inner voice (we call it intution in recovery) kept saying "There's nothing here for you." The houses where my friends lived--my friends had graduated. The dorms where I used to live--still had the same paint jobs, and the same parking spots. Except for one, my freshman dorm: that building had been torn up because it had been condemned since 1980. I lived there in 2002. It was replaced with a new freshman dorm. The buildings where I held classes--still there. Nothing new. Professors still fighting for parking spaces. The windows still grimy from the fall and winter storms. "There's nothing here for you." I kept repeating these words, and I went into the registrar. And as I go there, I recognize the head registrar. I was infamous in this office. I spent more time in the registrar's office than I did in class! I knew more about Wittenberg policies than I did my own major! I was convinced that if I just had the right major...the right classes....the right profs....everything would be fine! I didn't have problems, I convinced myself, I had classes! The classes were the problems! (Sound a bit like how we blame our alcholic for our misery?) The head registrar? The one that I knew on a first name basis? The one that ran the office? The one that I knew more about personally than I did my own self? Didn't even recognize me. Didn't know my name on my Visa to pay the bill. Didn't even blink. In fact the woman hadn't changed a bit. TIME HAD PASSED! As I drove off, I realized I felt sad. I felt sad that I had left Wittenberg in such a bad way--with anger, resentment, guilt, humiliation. But at the same time, I felt greatful. I felt, for the first time, greatful that the professor who investigated me for plagarism did so--whatever he was thinking, he got me to wright state, to the theater dept, to my own apt, to my advisor I have now (unique child of god that SHE is...), to my circumstances I have today. Are you holding on to a resentment? Is it worth your energy? Is it worthy of your gratitude? If you think about it, this too will pass. There are only 24 hours in every day, whether you're in Dayton, Daytona, or Dublin. Are you really worthy of anger that wastes YOUR 24 hours?
Thanks Tiger, Great post. I love "this too shall pass". It was one of the first things that come in to my head when things aren't going so well. It ALWAYS does pass. The only way it doesn't is if one chooses to hold on to it. When we do that it gets even bigger then the initial deed. It's like a little snowball rolling down a big hill. It keeps picking up more and more snow and collecting more sticks, rocks and whatever else until all that's left is a huge rolling ball of resentment, pity, anger, frustration etc.. There is nothing the ball can do but eventually crash. I think we ALL have had horrific experiences in our lives. Some traumatic, some hurtful, some life changing. I can bet that every single one of us got through it though. If we don't collect and carry those circumstances we can leave them behind and learn from them.
That's not to say someone can't come here and vent, Lord knows we all need to do that sometimes. But the next step is to deal with it and heal. Not hang on to it for years and internalize it or add it to a list of wrongs done to us..
Christy
*Reality forms around your commitment to succeed.*
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
our ego's r so big that we think that no ever forgets us good or bad. It is good to be reminded to tune them down occaisionally, we are just another grain of rice in the box called this world. Who r we to think we r anymore?
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
That is one of my most favorite and remembered therefore used slogans. I use it when I am dealing with the pain of self centeredness and egotism. This is the first time I have seen it mentioned in relationship to the 9th step although it's true "time will pass" people will forget and the step says "...except when to do so would injure them or others." Feed back from others in recovery is very supportive and then I had done some stuff in the past that I needed to hopefully want them to forget. I couldn't forget because I caused much pain to others while the disease was raging. The amends takes time and preparing for the apology does also. I attempted to make an apology for a deep wrong I did after 20 years in recovery and could not (actually would not) follow thru until 2 years later. It took two 2600 mile round trips to finally make the call and ask for their permission to meet and talk...not excuse. What I found was that when they heard my name and voice they both traveled back in time 20 years and had lived that 20 years still affected and asking the question "What did we do to deserve that?" After they gave me permission to meet and listened to what was going on back then and what my amends had been (program and behavior change) they both were grateful to lay it to rest and were amazed that the apology process ever came to be. One of the people, the father, said, "I never in my most wildest dreams would have ever imagined this ever happening." The other agreed. The point is I do the footwork as you did. Speak to others, ask for help, pray and meditate, reflect on how it would sit with me and what would I like for others to do for me and then "pray for the courage to change."
There are other apologies I have not made because of the danger it would bring to others that didn't know they were involved but their trusted friends and family were.
