The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You guys teach me so much with your shares. I wanted to take this time to say thank you.
I have entered the dating arena.I was on a couple of dating sites.I told you about the first man I met and that his drinking a bottle of wine by himself bothered me.Everyone here understood my hesitance to get involved with him. Everyone understood my concern over drinking a bottle of wine.My friends, all of whom thought he was nice, didn’t understand because they have never been involved with an addict.
So, I met another man. This is man #2.He owns a successful company, he is a biker, his teeth are black from years of smoking, he claims not to drink alcohol because he had been married to an alcoholic and then lived with a drug addict. He said that he has a standing dinner and movie date with his male friend every Friday.He said that he has a standing dinner and Sports night with his brother every Sunday. He claimed to like me and wanted to date me on Saturday. But, I was seeing red flags and I decided to heed my gut feelings, so today I broke the date. I am trying to view this in a positive light: that I am recognizing red flags, learning from past mistakes, and setting boundaries.
I was having car trouble and he invited me to his house so he could look at my car. He runs his business out of his home. Inside the business portion of his home he has a fully stocked bar. He said the bar is for his customers and independent contractors. I gave that a lot of thought because he is a small business owner and it seemed rather excessive to have a bar built into his home which has little enough space as it is. Most people who do not drink will take someone out for a drink or simply not offer it. I could not imagine someone making unlimited alcohol available during working hours. Somewhere in there I felt there was a lie and a red flag. And all I could think about was that my a ex-husband had also told me he didn't drink.
Guy #2 also told me that he really wants to have deep emotions for a person before he becomes sexual with her. On the surface this sounds really nice. My a ex-husband said the same stupid thing to me. In point of fact, the a ex-husband never did get around to the sexual aspect of our marriage and I had known him for 2.5 years by the time of the divorce. In his case it was a result of drinking. He was impotent and he had no interest in anything outside of his addiction. Anyway, I gave it thought and I remember that my first husband who died used to touch me all the time, not so much in a sexual manner, but the fact is, he loved me and wanted contact of one sort or another. I called a friend who has a healthy marriage and asked about when she and her husband first met, and she told me the same thing. We both feel that when two people are attracted to each other, it is just natural that they will want to be together as much as possible in the beginning, that there will be a lot of respectful physical contact, and a lot of talking, and all of this was missing with Guy #2.So, I am proud of myself for recognizing the signs that something is wrong and doing something about it, and not feeling clingy or frightened or willing to accept any crumbs.
I told my sponsor that I think my dating attempts are not meeting with much success. And she said “ I think you are doing very well in the relationship arena. The red flags ignored before are flying around and you're picking them out! That is really SO good! Knowing what you don't want pushes you toward recognizing what you do want. It's just patience... patience... patience... even through the loneliness.”
So, all in all, I am moving in the direction of being an old maid.But I will be an emotionally healthy one.
I wouldn't worry about being an old maid - the haelthier you get, the more heathy people wil be attracted to you. I agree, this is real succcess - there is not one reason in the world to even begin to get involved with anyone until you are sure. You know what happens when you start to love someone who is sick - it ain't pretty.
I congratulate you on doing the hard and challenging work of looking honestly at yourself while dating. NOT EASY! But sounds like you are learning and using what you have already learned and this inspires me. And about being an old maid...I think the waiting will be worth it when you find yourself in that beautiful place. I have seen love arrive in so many different ways for people in my life...in so many impossible situations...and I really do believe that miracles and love are possible for everyone. All the while tho, don't forget to continue to love yourself! And have fun! love, fifi
Congratualtions on your success. Keep doing what your doing and before you know it Mr. Right will be there for you and because of your healthy attitude you don't have to settle in minimal realtionships. I was once told by someone once upon a time that ther is someone out there for everyone. It may take 6 months, 6 years, 16 years but you will find the right person for you one day. Just keep being positive.
I am in much the same position myself and have only just dipped my toes back in the water..and found the water too hot.(I posted recently on what happened)
It's nerve wracking watching out for those red flags,isn't it? But I am learning to trust my instincts and it's liberating to actually recognise those flags. Before,they would be there and I just ignored them. I didn't have enough faith in my own judgement to act on them.
Now I know better. I'm not concerned about being an old maid anymore. I deserve the best,and by golly I am not settling for anything less than. I don't deserve crumbs.........I want the whole danged cake!!!!
I agree that like attracts like. Now I am working on faking it till I make it. I have the tools now......I just have to actually use them. And using them I am.
It's good to see you are too.
Dating is never easy,but you are doing just great. Recognising those red flags is a good step in the right direction.Lead the way (((((((ditto)))))))))))))....I'm right behind you.
