Why does HE have such an affect on ME?? - Al-Anon Family Group

jackie · Newbie

Why does HE have such an affect on ME??

gail16 · Newbie

Hang in there Jackie!! I know how you feel when he says if he had to choose between beer and you he isn't sure what he would choose. What makes it even worse and adds to the frustration is when he openly tells you he knows he hurts you by drinking and he doesn't stop anyway. That just goes to prove the fact that he has a problem and when they are dependent on something, like beer, they don't feel normal or relaxed unless they have their fix. Don't give up hope, just remember, you didn't cause this and you can't make him change. I'll keep you in my thoughts, (hugs). Dori

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Jackie)))))

Glad you are back and posting more. Those are great questions and I can't even begin to know what your husband "thinks", but I will give you my opinion based on my experience with my wife.

Her drinking made me mad.... because I didn't understand what she was going through.

When she drinks my day is ruined only because I am focusing my life on her and her disease instead of leading a life of my own.

I am upset with her choice to continue to drink because I can see, where she can't, that it is destroying her life, and will kill her someday if she doesn't stop.

Her decission makes a negative effect on me because I let it.

That last one sounds cold, but it's really not meant to. Of course you love your husband, just as I love my wife. This is a disease and love and intentions have nothing to do with it. They will often say the right thing... I will quit if it means that much to you, but without help they can't back that up with actions.

I personally believe if it was a simple matter of will power, they would do it for us, for the kids, to save their job.... whatever. But it's not, it's more than that.

So long as they believe they can control this... they can't. My wife has lost her home, her kids and me, and she still thinks that she can have a few at night to relax. She is an adult and that is her right.

That is why this program is about us. They can't control their own disease ... we certainly cant do it. We have one choice, take care of ourselves so there is at least one reasonable adult in the house and it mine as well be you. You are worth it.

I am glad you are here... hang in there, get some literature and keep posting. Below is a link to a Alanon pamphelet that was given to me. It's very interesting reading:

http://www.bendfeldt.com/alcholism.htm

Take care of you!

doxie · Senior Member

Why does it affect us so bad? Yes, because we let it. But it is so dang hard to not let it. I am dealing with this again right now too. Is he, isn't he, will he, won't he. Why am I thinking about what he is doing and not about what I am doing? I mean, The Good Lord knows I have plenty going on in my life that I could be thinking about, but no I am obsessing over son. It is hard not to do.
I do not believe that they want to do this. I mean who would choose to live this way? I believe it is an everyday battle and always will be. Some days they are strong and some days they are not so strong. But one thing for sure is we can be strong no matter how their day is going.
I have to look to my HP and my program to get me through this and realize that this is something I am going to have to do for a long, long time.

Good luck and I do know what you are going through.

Doxie

Friendofyours · ~*Service Worker*~

I often wonder what would happen if he did everything I asked of him??? Guess what? He did........and I had a dry drunk. He worked the program and for seven months of sobriety it was hell. He was bitter, resentful, hateful, it was like he was just waiting for the opportunity to pounce on a drink.
He did.......he got a job on the other coast and it's the first thing he went for. So getting sober for someone else.........well....it doesn't work. Plain and simple. Sometimes we don't want what we get in the end. I wish you the best. Sometimes you just have to throw in the towel and realize that YOU are what's most important and take care of yourself before the disease takes you down with it. GOod luck.

mama_nz · Senior Member

I was thinking the same things tonight.
I still can't comprehend how my A can deny so much.
He either genuinely doesn't get it or he is in huge denial.
Either way, tonight I realised that I finally reached that point where I don't care about him anymore, I've been so broken down by it all. Tonight he also said something along the lines of 'what have you become, you are as sick as me'... that really hit home.
I feel stuck in this now only because we have a young child together.
You know how you know when you are really over something, when someone who previously had a hold on you says something to you and you feel nothing anymore, where once you would react but now you don't care what they say to you or if you never see them again. I'm at that point. I feel nothing for him anymore, and it's peaceful. But also sad. Sad for our son. Sad that the relationship was once full of potential.
You sound like you still love your husband.

babysteps · Senior Member

I would recommend to everyone in our program read all of the AA literature in addition to Al-anon. I don't think we can truly heal until we have a greater understanding of alcoholism.

I attended an AA step meeting yesterday that was step 2. We read from the book, the 12 steps and 12 traditions of AA. Step 2 states, "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Restore us to Sanity. Your AH can't choose you over alcohol because the alcohol has affected his sanity. That is why it makes no sense to us. Please read the AA big book and the 12 steps/12 traditions. The writings are not an excuse, but an explanation. It has helped take me replace anger with the 12 steps & traditions of al-anon. Good Luck! Babysteps

annmarie · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jackie,

I read the book "getting them sober" by toby rice drew when I was in early recovery. It helped me a lot. It might help you answer some of your questions for yourself.

He is gripped by a cunning, powerful illness. This controls him. It doesn't mean he does not love you. I know it can be hard to see this sometimes when we are affected by their behaviours.

He will do what he is going to do....regardless of what you say or do. Try and be kind to yourself now. This helps take the focus off him.

Yours in recovery

AM

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