The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First of all I would like to say that I am so happy to have found this place. I have been reading the posts and doing a lot of research on alcoholism. Here is my story....
I met my husband when I was 12 or 13. Started our relationship when I was 15 and got married at 20. He treated me like a godess since day 1. We did have ups and downs like all relationships, but for the most part it was great. We used to party together and smoked pot on a daily basis. The drinking wasn't much of an issue...we drank, but not as much as the pot. That eventually stopped. He was the man I knew I was going to marry. He would open my car doors for me, meet me each day with a rose in his hand and treat me with 150% respect.
He had a hard life. His mom (who was his world) died when he was 13. His alcoholic dad and alcoholic uncle stepped up and raised him and his sister. He knew life with an alcoholic and would often tell me how much it hurt him. I also knew life with an A, as my dad was one. He was a single dad raising me and my brother until I was 9. He then married my stepmom, but continued to drink heavily until about 10 years ago. He has not drank a drop since. My dad is my best friend and has always been there for me. He was a functioning alcoholic...never missed work, paid all the bills and was the best damn dad he could be. He would wait until me and my bro were in bed before he actually got drunk so that we didn't have to see him like that. But, it was still there and we still knew.
When my husband and I got married we didn't even have alcohol at our reception because we didn't want it ruined by some drunks. He would drink on occassion, but never really go out of control and I never saw it as a problem. Sometimes I even drank with him. It started getting out of control when he got a new job as a dealer in a casino. He started going out after work and then stopped coming home most nights. I was pregnant with our 2nd child. We were constantly arguing about it. One morning I woke up and his stuff was gone. He finally did come home that day, but just to tell me that he had cheated on me. My world crumbled that day. We ended up separating and his drinking got worse. After our daughter was born, he begged to come back home. After much thought, and some great advice from my parents, I let him come back. He was still drinking, but not as much. He eventually quit working at the casino because he knew that would make me happy.
Things were great for a while. The drinking seemed to be under control for the most part. But, now it's not. He drinks on the weekends. ALOT. A 12 pack is usually not enough for him. I have to work in the evenings on the weekends and have often times (okay, every weekend) come home to my house a wreck and him passed out. I have told him that he is damaging the kids, but he doesn't see it. There have been many instances to prove this, but I will not get into that now.
He thinks that he isn't an alcoholic because he works and pays the bills. In his world you are only an alcoholic if you drink all day every day and it effects your job. Well, suprise suprise he got plastered a couple Thursdays ago and called in on Friday.
When he's sober, we have the most amazing relationship ever, but when he drinks, I just hurt so bad. I have told him he is Jekyl and Hyde. Two different people. Drunk, he is disrespectful and doesn't care what he says. Sober, he is the most amazing man, husband, father ever. He has told me (when drunk) that I need to deal with this, this is him and he will drink when he wants to. He has told me (when sober) that he wants to stop drinking. I feel like I am on a roller coaster and can't get off.
I can't even tell you the amount of times he has told me he wants to quit drinking. But, then he gets drunk again and says he only said that to make me happy. One day after a weekend binge, he texted me from work...I am done drinking. When he got home he told me that he was talking to a guy he works with that lost everything to booze...his house, his car, his job, his wife, and his kids. My husband told me he didn't want that to happen. I believed him. I think he didn't even drink the next weekend, but the weekend after he did.
I feel like he is battling with himself. I have told him that I truly believe he wants to quit, but doesn't know how. I have told him that he needs help, but is too scared to admit it. He will not talk to me about any of his feelings...he says he can't. I AM HIS WIFE!!! Why can't he talk to me?
So, this past weekend (after yet another binge) he makes a "deal" with me. If he can quit drinking until we get our taxes back, which will take 4 or 5 months, then he can get a new game system. So, my answer to his "deal" was...Why, just so you can go back to drinking AGAIN and things can go back to the way they are. He told me that maybe this was what he needed, something to work towards to stop. I ended up having a breakdown and bawling like a baby. He held me and asked what was wrong...I told him I was tired of hurting. He once again was my caring loving husband, telling me not to cry and that he loved me. Why can he quit drinking for a game system, but my happiness isn't enough for him to quit?
I am so tired of believing he can quit. I am so tired of hurting. I am just so tired. If you made it this far, thanks for listening. Sometimes it helps to let it all out. There is so much more I can write, but since I've already written a novel, will stop for now.
An alcoholic WILL say "I am not an alcoholic" that's called denial. He will also say "I can quit anytime I want to"......they can't. If he's tried, he'll know. Your story sounds exactly like alot of ours. Your husbands saying "well, I work" is called a functioning alcoholic. An alcoholic just the same. I am so sorry your going through this. I know how tough it is. I really hope he see's he's ruining his life and yours. Help is out there, sometimes they just don't know it. I suggest finding meetings in your area and offer to go with him to a few. Maybe he will see there is nothing to be embarrassed about. It's only shameful to drink and NOT get help. Good luck. Nothing good comes from alcoholism. Ever. :(
Welcome to MIP, and your recovery. You have made a brave step by looking for help, cause as you can see we become as sick as they do. This is a family disease, drinking and some other symptoms are theirs, and the pain and distrust and disappointment and resentment is ours.
This program can help you if you will give it an honest chance. Keep posting, try the chat meetings ( the link is in the upper left corner of this page ) and maybe try some face to face meetings locally.
The most important thing to remember is you are not alone, and you didn't cause this to happen, you can't control it, and unfortunately you can't cure his disease, but there is a lot you can do for yourself. It is possible to be happy weather he gets help or not.
Again I just wanted to welcome you to our family.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Welcome! You are in the right place. I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. Your story sounds familiar to me. You are right, he may not stop drinking, but that doesn't mean that you and the children have to suffer. This program will give you the tools to take care of you and your needs. When I first began recovery I had no idea what my needs were anymore. I was so busy focused on him and his drinking. My mind was constantly thinking about the next step to take to avoid a crisis. Well, I've come a long way and I'm not done yet. I now realize that my AH is an addict no matter what he says or doesn't say. He's an addict that will continue to look outside himself in filling a void within himself that only he can fill, but instead he chooses to fill it with things that aren't good for him. It hurts terribly to see the people we love the most struggle with this disease, but it also hurts when the people we love the most treat us poorly. Keep coming back, keep posting and reading. You can find peace and serenity whether he stops drinking or not.
One Day At A Time, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Hon, it's not about you. He not doing it TO you, or in spite of you, or because of you. He is doing it because he can't help it. If you can accept that as reality, then you can stop trying to change him, and decide what is best for you to do. This program can really help you - ease the panic and the pain, so that you get enough clarity to think about your situation. We have been where you are, and understand how you can love a person, and yet not be able to stand him at the same time. Get to face to face meetings if you can, read our literature, and read over old posts here. Not everything will apply to you, but I guarantee some will.
(((((Jackie))))) Welcome to MIP!! You have come to the right place with your story. It reflects many of our stories. We are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable. They are powerless over alcohol. There is pain but there is joy and hope for us on the over side. I find the Alanon has many tools to help us. And they tell us to keep the focus on ourselves.
Welcome! I am glad you found this place. It can help so much! Just keep coming back and reading and posting. Find a meeting-online or face to face. WE are here to encourage and share with each other. Take a deep breath and know that if you work this program good things will come. (not necessarily your husband's sobriety, but a better freedom and life for you!)
