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Eureka!!! I think I may have finally hit rock bottom. Yipee Kai ee MF. Thank you God!!! I have been waiting for this day for 7 months and even tho it is so painful that I wanted to die, I now realize that my AH is nothing more than a narcissistic, selfish, self centered, son of a bitch. Whew!! That felt really good to say that.Friday night I was out with some girlfriends, and my friend, Kelly asked me if any of Loren’s sisters had blonde hair. I said, no, that they all had dark hair. So, I asked her to tell me what she was obviously wanting to tell me and she said that she said that she saw Loren out at an eating establishment, in the bar section with a blonde woman, and Kelly’s group of friends was wondering who he was with. Then, today at an appointment someone said, “Do you think he has been with another woman”, and I said I don’t know, why, do you think so? Well, they proceeded to tell me that he has been seen at the VFW sharing French fries, obviously together, with a blonde woman who was the assistant county attorney from June until December. A promiscuous woman who had bragged about how many men she has screwed in our small town. She has already gone through most of the available men in the sheriff's department and the local police force. -- And was bragging about it. My husband's truck has also been seen at her apartment overnight. Late at night and early the next morning. She was fired by the County attorney because she was so crazy and now is working in another town. She said that the woman has dumped him and has now moved on to at least 2 more men since Loren. I spent the whole morning crying. I thought he would have had the good sense to not shame and humiliate our children by being so blatant in the gossipy small town, but I guess I was wrong. I feel so bad for my children as I’m sure everyone is talking about us and feeling like the kids and I are pitifull and to be pitied. I don’t know how he can do this to me and the kids, but my therapist said that he has not changed and to please, please not let it reflect on me. This is his addiction, not mine and to hold my head up and be the moral force in my children’s lives. God help me. I can’t even begin to tell you how much this hurts. My father always said that your good name is really all you have got, and to never tarnish it. Now our name has been drug through the gutter, and it is not a common name, so everyone knows it is us. I know this will eventually get back to my children as the gossip is spreading like wildfire, so I took the opportunity to tell my children instead of having them hear it on the bus or at school. I tried to soften the blow by telling them that this is no reflection on them or me, and we have nothing to be ashamed of. Hold your head up high. He obviously didn't care enough about his children or me to have been discreet or perhaps not do it at all. His wants, needs and pleasures come first, not his kids. This man sickens me. I have loved him since I was a teenager, and this knowledge just guts me. Pain, Pain, Pain, when will it ever stop?
This must not have been easy to hear, but I think you are right - there is some relief in knowing that a line has been crossed, and nothing can ever be the same again. The only thing he has dragged through the mud is himself - you have not done anything. Yes, people talk, especially in a small town, but they also go on to talk about someone else tomorrow. If the whole town has to watch you take it, you can take it like a lady - hold your head high, and look them all straight in the eye.
Let me give it a shot. I feel your pain. My AHsober left 2 years ago. Just walked out. We live in a small town and we also work for the same place. It is very painful that he left, it is very painful that he doesn't seem to care about the impact it has on our family (our children are out of the house), it is very painful when he says " I' m dating (we aren't even divorced) and " I am going to find out what is out there", and it is painful when friends and colleagues make comments about where is he? and oh, I saw him at the local bar.
But I have to trust in the Alanon program. Have you read today's ODAT? I think that it is true but very hard to accept. It is a disease and the alcoholic is basically a good and sensitive person. It says "I pray ..... especially in times of crisis, that hostile behavior on my part will only add fuel to the fire that could destroy us both".
Hope this helps. I know it is hard but we need to keep the focus on ourselves because we are truly powerless.
The A I am with didn't cross that boundary but betrayal comes in many many forms. I think that is also part of alcoholism they always say that they said they would not cross certain boundaries then they do...
The more I read on alcoholism the more I know about the disease. The issue for me is the contagious part. When you live around an alcoholic some of the behavior becomes infectious. For me some of that behavior was over reaction to everything. There is a saying in Al anon how important is it. I understand that you are hurt and mortified. I also know that over time people do forget. Pretty soon someone else will be in the news. You don't need to take this on as yours so don't. I know that is very very difficult. I was queen of over invovlement with the A's stuff till I came here. Now I am not. I just let him sort it all out on his own.
Some things I don't even ask about anymore wheras I was so intrigued before...
Having been in this situation before...there isn't really a whole lot I can say to ease your pain, anger, and worry at this point. I am sorry it was you this happen to.
If it were me, and it has been...I would get tested for STD's. Then, I would pick up the pieces and go on with my life. This part of my life no longer has control over me. I am free of that pain. I had to forgive both parties in this.
Forgiveness to me isn't forgetting what has happened. Forgiveness isn't condoning it. Forgiveness is letting go of it so that I can heal. The first person I had to start with was me, "how could I be so stupid? what is wrong with me?" I beat myself up and the truth is, there is nothing wrong with me and I am not stupid. Then, I am able to forgive the others. It is okay for me to say "this is not okay" and close the door. Behind that door I have to let go of it and pray that the people involved in this get everything I would want for myself. (I had to stop praying, "I hope they get everything they deserve" The vindictive tone would come out..lol)
Is it okay to hurt? yes Is it okay to be angry? yes Is it okay to be scared? yes. Then process it and move on.....you are worth so much more. You deserve serenity.....to be happy, joyus, and free. Ziggy
A similar situation is going on around me. My A was caught driving without a license, in a woman's car ... who can't tell her husband she knows him or gave him the keys so he is looking at going to jail. I feel ashamed of his choices .... and hurt more than anything.
I am living my life in a way I can be proud of. I make decisions for me, remembering that nobody else has been in my shoes, and I haven't been in theirs. I can not control him or his decisions, anyone who wants to judge me based on his choices probably isn't one of the people who's opinion matters to me.
That's my logical outlook on it, the emotional part is a little different. Even though I know I can not live with him this way, it hurts.
i am so sorry you are hurting. i went thru a similar situation. my now ex ah slept with the sleezy hairdresser in our small town. when i found out, after the shock, i went and got tested for std's. she had slept with almost every farmer and factory worker in town. i did many other crazy things that i thought would help take away some of my pain and anger. revenge is complicated and i can't say it made any real difference. what helped me was time, love from my family, support from my meetings and more time. i am sure there were those that talked about it behind my back. my father was a major part of out community and everyone knows who we are too. but when i came to my dad about it all and how i was so sorry that this would reflect on him he told me that it is not what happens to us it is how we handle it. that's what people remember. and i had the oppurtunity to set an example for others out there who also have family problems...that one crisis does not have to break me. for me the whole thing brought me to my knees. i hit my bottom also and although my ah and i tried again after this episode it was never the same for me. i jumped back into alanon with both feet and started taking care of me. it will get better. the pain will lessen. you will get thru this. keep your chin up and remember not to compare your insides to another's outsides.
