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Ah has been gone for three months and has only seen his children once. He even had to leave Christmas because he was sick and he had the shakes. My poor babies do not deserve this. Weekend after weekend he lets them down. They are 6,5,5. I am so sick of seeing the disappointments on their faces. I have ran out of excuses. Doesn't he realized he's wasted six years of their lives so far, in five more years they are going to make their own opinions on him and I don't think it's going to be a good one. He says how he loves them so much but he just can not quit drinking. I know that's BS because he quit for seven months. I've signed the divorce papers and they are in process. I never wanted it to end this way but I know after seven years with him that this is who he is, he's a weak individual. This is the way he will die, this is the way he will be remembered. He likes the "poor me" role so well that he's willing to die for it. I'm not mad at him, I feel sorry for him and think he's pathedic. I sometimes wonder if he would be better off dead. I'd rather him completley out of their lives then half way. Thanks for letting me vent. I do not love him and he doesn't understand that. It will never come back. He's made his love known and it's to alcohol. I am going to put an end to all of it......I am going to get out of this one way or another and save these children from his lack of self control. He's no role model, he's no father figure..........he's a drunk, what honor is there in that?
I can so relate to your post...my husband has been gone for months and has not even seen his children one time....my kids are teens now...and it's too late....the pain I watched them go thru in his absense was horrible....
I wish I coud tell you that it's an easy transition, it's not, however, you are doing the best thing for you and your kids.....it gets easier with time....and your life will become more peaceful...
(((friendofyours))) I understand where you are and only you can decide what is right for you and your children, but I think we need to remember that the person your husband is now, is the disease and not the man you married. Being weak and the self pity are all part of the disease. I also have 3 small children (7,6,6) and they too were disappointed by their father many times before he found sobriety this past year. What I did was to explain to them that their daddy is sick. That he does love them very much but his brain makes him sad and makes him do things that just aren't right all the time. I found this helped them alot, they would still get alittle upset when promises were broken, but at least they knew it wasn't that he didn't want to be with them, but that he couldn't be with them. Keep taking care of you and your children
Andi, Your children are all only a year behind mine, that's too funny. I have to be careful what I tell them. They have such kind hearts so if I tell them daddy is too sick to come they get sad for him. They would rather him sick here. Know what I mean. I just tell them "it's mommy's job to make sure they are safe and sometimes if a person drinks alcohol they do silly things without thinking and I have to keep them safe, it's my job" I tell them "daddy loves you so much and is having a hard time stopping the drinking but he is really trying (I know he's not) He will come see you as soon as he gets better even if it's a long time from now. He thinks of you everyday and loves you heart and soul" So for now his phone calls will have to do.
My kids are 11 and 9 now, but were similar ages to yours when my A-wife was actively drinking...... I learned to NOT make excuses for her relationship with them.... When they were sad and missed their Mom, all I could do was reassure them that they were loved and safe. When they were sad, I hugged them. I showed them love, but realized that I could NOT give them any guarantees of what their mother may or may not do, whether she would show up when promised, etc., etc.... At times we prayed together about things, but I tried very hard not to bad-mouth their Mom (much as I wanted to at times), nor to try to tell them how their Mom was feeling, etc...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Yeah, I'd keep it more to reassurances that none of it is their fault, it's not because they weren't good enough (sound familiar?) I'd try not to speak for him - you can reassure them that he has a disease, it's very sad, but that's just what happens sometimes. If you have extended family, other reliable adults who love them, include them when you remind them that they are loved and will be cared for. Even though they are so young, I'd try to let THEM talk, and tell you how they are feeling. So often kids surprise us - they are concerned about things we would never think of, and things that we think would devastate them don't bother them at all. My daugher recently told me, years after the fact, that she was terrified that Children's Services would take her away. That was never an issue, there was never any danger of that, but since she never told me, I was not able to set her mind at rest about it.
That's very sad. And it may feel that way right now. I used to feel that way, too, but I can tell you a story about . . . it's never too late.
I raised my ex-husband's two kids because their mother is an A. They are now 24 and 22 and on their own. I'm no longer married to their dad, but still a very active member in their lives. I do love them like my own. When they were only 8 & 6 years old I struggled with helping them cope with the fact that their mother chose alcohol over them. It was tough and there were LOTS of tears. I fought with her about the fact that I was more of a mother to them than she ever was. She's now 50 and finally quit drinking about a year ago because she was diagnosed with esophogeal cancer. My step-daughter told me that although she's sorry it took so long for her mother to finally wake up, she's so glad she did. She said she had to learn to forgive (not forget, but forgive) all the neglect and accept her mom for who she is. I sat with her at the hospital the other day to keep her company while she sat with her mom and she said "It's never too late. I know I don't have much time left with her, but I so thankful for the last year that I've had."
