The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thought I would update my wonderful family here on how my new date went.
You may remember that I was concerned about the amount this guy was drinking on our first two dates. A year out of the relationship with my ex A ........I was very anxious to ensure I didn't get stuck in yet another alcoholic relationship. I am so well aware of us codies attracting more of the same,and was on the alert for any early signs I should avoid if I was about to tip my toes back in the water.
THANK GOD for this wonderful programme and the tremendous ES&H shared amongst us here at MIP. I took on board every bit of advice given..........and thank all who responded from the bottom of my heart.
New guy returned to the area( I live in Turkey,he is in Belgium) and phoned me to ask me out again. He took me for a lovely dinner,which I readily accepted then sat and watched for those danged little red flags again!! Sure enough,two campari and sodas before dinner followed by three bottles of red wine.( I drank just two small glasses and a cola). Next night we had dinner again and the same scenario. All the info I needed to tell him that this "relationship" wouldn't be going anywhere.
Of course,he says that he doesn't have a drink problem and that I was probably oversensitive to it..( he knew why my last relationship went sour) and that he is definately NOT dependant on alcohol,whilst also admitting that he drinks like that all the time...........every day!!!!!!!!!!!! DENIAL OR WHAT?????????He is an international businessman and assures me it's perfectly normal. HELLO????
ALthough he had said he would pick me up in his car,I wanted to be in control of the situation and took my own car. He was actually going to drive back to his hotel after,but I managed to persuade him that it wasn't a good idea and that with the number plates on his car-he would be stopped by the traffic police and breathalysed so I would prefer if he allowed me to drive him home and he could get a taxi to his work the next morning. He agreed to this,so I took him back. I couldn't bear to think of someone causing an accident through drinking and driving.
The following evening he had a business dinner with a group of local business associates and asked me to accompany him. I went (again taking my own transport) and totally lost count of the drinks consumed. The bill was enormous. I've seen all I want to see.
We've agreed to be friends,but I have told him there will be nothing more than this. He will be back in the country in a month and has asked me to have dinner with him then and that we can see where we go from there,but that he really wants a relationship. I've told him that a relationship is categorically out of the question for me. He is a nice man and really good company to be with.........and I found it strange that he can drink this much without showing any sign of drunkenness. Only proved to me that he is a very hardened drinker...........and NO WAY I will go down that road again.
The blinkers are well and truly off!! I'm feeling very proud of myself because normally my heart rules my head.....BIG TIME. At last I have the tools to protect myself and take some sensible decisions. I finally can see I have choices. And I fully intend to use them wisely.
Part of me feels a bit miffed because it took a lot of courage for me to dip my toes back into the water...............only to find the water too hot!! But hey? I will do better next time because the rose tinted glasses are consigned to the bin.
Good work detective!! hehehe I've had two dates with a guy and I saw him downing rum and cokes and that was the end for me too! I for one, am VERY proud of you. That is a really big step in the right direction. (((BIG HUGS)))
Sorry that didn't work out for you..well not really..LOL! Look at this way, Your very first time out you saw the signs and did what you needed to do. That should give you the confidence to carry on knowing that "you know what you know...and you're right!!
Love ya girl Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Way to go Chris!! It's been my experience, that the red flags are usually there, but we have to be willing to see them for what they are!! That is an awesome post to show somebody taking real steps to "break the cycle".
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Great job listening to your head....you have a lot of ESH yourself and sounds like you used it to serve your best interest...you! Good luck getting back out there to try again in the dating world...I have always been scared of that and think you are brave to be trying something new and healthy. Best wishes, fifi
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that you DROVE YOUR OWN CAR to these dates. GREAT WAY to take care of YOU!!! And, a great reminder to me that there are lots of little ways to take care of me.
Also, his responses to your perception of things was a great reminder for me to pay attention to how people respond to my concerns. In his case, I noticed that he 1)minimized (it's not a big deal that I drink this much) 2) it's just your perception 3) name-called you're probably overly sensitive 4) attempted to get you to move from your boundary by trying to persuade you to have a relationship.
This reminds me both that 1) people tell you who they are 2) we can teach people how to treat us.
